Tear You Apart

Drown With Me

The sky was a stormy turmoil, threatening at any second to unleash a surge of dreary precipitation. I couldn't help but think it was fitting weather for the day. The remaining December snow had turned to a dirty grey slush overnight that swished and crunched when you walked through it and it stuck to my shoes as I stood among the crowd. My socks were soaked but it was a minor convenience, far from my focus. Somewhere ahead, an elderly priest dressed in formal attire droned on about heaven and angels.

Half the school was here along with the entire faculty and somewhere further towards the front was Leah, sobbing into the arms of one of the other girls in her grade. Part of me wanted to comfort, to be comforted but I couldn't move. Could barely think. It was like my brain couldn't process that this was actually happening.

"Our Father in heaven we thank you that through Jesus Christ, you have given us the gift of eternal life..."

A few stray raindrops touched my forehead. Near the head of the casket, a woman wailed and curled up on herself while a man consoled her and murmured words I couldn't catch. I wanted to react similarly; to cry even but nothing happened, it was as if my emotional faucet had been turned off completely. My heart thudded away in my chest at a steady rhythm, not too fast but not too slow. Despite the current state of things, I was not in any danger from anything but my own personal guilt for the current state of events.

"When the time has come, let us depart in peace, and see you face to face, for you are the God of our salvation."

The congregation murmured amens. The air was solemn and quiet besides the occasional cough or sniffle.

"Amen," The word fell from my lips but held no meaning. What was peaceful about this? I wanted to be angry, to scream, to sob, something.

"It's a damn shame," an older man said on my left side with a sad shake of his head beside me to his friend. Nobody I recognized. "She was only sixteen you know?"

My blood started to boil as I shifted from foot to foot the best I could uncomfortably. How can someone speak of a dead person with the same sense of disappointment one might speak of a missed football game?

The other man shook his head in agreement but turned back to the service. Drops of icy rain were beginning to come down more persistently, landing on the brown coffin lid with resonating 'ping' sounds before sliding off the side and disappearing into the earth. Here and there an umbrella unfurled and ejected, adding a splash of color sporadically among the crowd like bulbous tulips erupting from the sea of black.

The priest paid no mind to the falling water and pushed on. "Let us say the Lord's prayer."

The gathering spewed forth the words of the prayer obediently. The woman from before was no longer sobbing, but sat under an umbrella, her eyes bloodshot and swollen as she hiccupped. She looked ready to hop in the plot hole along with the casket, not that I blamed her.

Her eyes met mine before I could glance away, and I momentarily wondered if she'd read my thoughts. Did she know that I caused this? That I was the reason she was here burying her daughter on Christmas Eve and not sitting at home preparing for the holidays?

I allowed my free hand to drop to my side and I broke eye contact, looking down at my shoes. My left calf was in a heavy leg brace and my left arm in a sling. The doctors said I was lucky to be alive much less walking out of the hospital... well hobbling was a better word. A warm hand slipped into mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

I looked to my right into a familiar pair of emerald green eyes.

"Hey, you okay?"

**flash back**