Tear You Apart

Escape Myself

"Uh, well..." I hesitated. I could feel their eyes on me as I looked down at the plate in front of me. A nervous sheen was forming on my face as my body temperature rose in embarrassment. I didn't dare look to my right for fear that stupid fluttering would start up again on top of everything else.

"Now Elliot don't fluster the poor girl." Diane came to my rescue, shooting me a motherly smile as she undoubtedly noticed how uncomfortable I was quickly becoming.

Judd made a small noise in his throat and I tried to swallow my humiliation.

I wanted to disappear as I forced a breath through my nose, attempting to steady my breathing as Leah quickly changed the subject to something else. I would never be able to thank her enough for being able to pick up on my anxiety.

How pitiful can you be?

Trying to ignore that stupid purring voice, I began shoveling my food into my mouth. The 'zoodles' were essentially grated zucchini, with chunks of tomato, mushroom slices, and some sort of white sauce tossed in. It was savory and sweet simultaneously and sent my taste buds to garlic-y heaven.

Elliot was one hell of a cook.

I allowed myself to fade into the background, politely chewing my food as the Birch family quickly fell into what I could only assume was their dinner routine. Leah and Nick argued about trivial nonsense, Diane and Elliot discussed their respective days at work, and Judd sat in silence only occasionally snapping an insult at one of his family members.

Despite the awkwardness, the vibe was warm and sickeningly inviting. As annoying emotional as they were, they had a weird way of making strangers feel at home. A pang of resentment coursed through my veins at the family. My own was the opposite of the spectrum. This family had fond memories and warm-hearted dinners filled with zucchini noodles and conversation. I pondered for a moment if it was genuine resentment or jealousy I was feeling and urged the attitude to reside for fear of poisoning the atmosphere with my disgruntlement. It wasn't their fault my mother left and took my father's will to live with her.

The hand that wasn't curled around a silver fork curved in on itself and I could feel my nails digging into the flesh of my palm harshly, the knuckles turning stark white. I couldn't feel the pain, but I knew if I opened my palm, four blood-stained crescent moons would be incised into the skin there.

You're repulsive.

I could feel Judd shift ever so slightly beside me, his eyes flicking to the hand I was mutilating. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably and brought the hand to rest in my lap. I could see him out of my peripheral vision, his mouth twitched down even further from his characteristic frown before returning to his original position. It happened so quickly I wondered momentarily if it had actually happened at all or if I'd imagined it. The meal was slowly dying now as everyone finished.

I felt like I'd been sitting at the table for eons. My stomach was suddenly in knots.

Getting up hastily and excusing myself, I rushed into the small half bathroom down the hall and barely made it to the toilet before the zoodles made an unceremonious reappearance.

I hit my knees as my abdominal muscles heaved again, forcing more vomit up my throat. The garlic was no longer comforting now, burning my taste buds as it left my mouth and causing tears to blur my vision.

Any sense of belonging I'd felt was flushed down the toilet with the imitation pasta.

I needed to get out of this godforsaken house, with its' doting memories and playful arguments and zoodles made with love. This was no place for a loathsome creature like me and to pretend otherwise was a pathetic miscalculation.

Leah was outside the bathroom when I finally emerged, and I nearly stumbled into her.

"Devi are you alright?" the genuine concern in her voice was enough to make me feel sick again. Too many emotions were whirling around my head, threatening to overtake me. I felt like I was going to shatter into a thousand pieces.

"Gotta go. Feeling sick," I muttered desperately with my head down as I pushed past her and all but ran out the front door towards my Jeep.

As the engine leapt to life, I glanced up at the house and it seemed to mock me with its clean white paint and happy residents. Suddenly, I wanted that house to burn to the ground.

Something shifting in one of the windows on the second floor caught my attention and a pair of cat-green eyes stared me down unblinking as I sped off into the cool night air.

**

Judd's POV

Solitude was nearly unobtainable in the Birch household, except in one place. I'd discovered the walls when I was thirteen by accident. The house had been remodeled several times since the original owner Duke Ellington had died in 1974 but the original foundation remained and with it, the walls. They were old but sturdy and had just enough space in between them for a person to fit. I'd spent entire days mapping them out and discovering the interior of my home from a whole new perspective. Originally, I used my hiding place to pull unsavory pranks on my younger siblings or to spy on my family but as the years passed as I grew distant from them, I began to find solace in the silence and solidarity the walls provided, something my infuriating family unit could never offer.

And so, as I crawled through the vent in my bedroom into the wall that lay between my room and Leah's, I pondered the evening's events. Leah had brought home the girl from the other night. The crazy bitch. Leah introduced her as Devi.

I thought back to the night she'd sauntered into my room like she owned the place and disarmed me. I'd been furious at being bested by this tiny creature of a female but also curious, although I'd never allow her to know that. She had snarled some threat at me, but I was momentarily lost in her features, her blue eyes melancholy despite the viciousness there. And then she was gone. I was no stranger to females but this one left me feeling on edge. She had a rugged persona sure, but her eyes gave away a lifetime of ruin.

Last time I saw Devi, she'd been quite attractive; her hair reached the small of her back and she had donned a slip of a tee shirt that exposed the soft curves of her pale abdomen that begged to be grabbed and bruised. This evening though, she looked sickly, wearing a hoodie that was several sizes too big and her silvery hair was wrapped in a messy bun. Those eyes held the same fierce spark with a hint of despondency.

My father had tried to converse with her, and she'd faltered almost instantly, that intense image she put on replaced quickly by an uneasy child. It was almost funny how quickly her aura changed and yet some small piece of me had demanded I protect her at all costs, despite my own anxiety about being the center of attention. I'd shaken off the feeling and ignored her for the rest of the meal, although I couldn't help but glance at her on occasion out of my peripheral. She relaxed almost instantaneously once the conversation no longer involved her and she seemed happy to sit and listen to the others.

Towards the end of dinner, she tensed up and I was drawn to her again. The hand closest to me was curled into a tight fist. What the fuck was wrong now? Her entire attitude was screaming, and I glanced up at my family who were oblivious. How could they not see the of wound up ball of turmoil this girl was? Anxiety and something I couldn't place were rolling off her in waves. Again, my masculinity was roaring at me to fix whatever ailed this little creature.

I could feel my brow furrow in frustration but I quickly forced my face to relax into it's natural scowl. I needed to get a grip on myself. I didn't even know this girl. I needed to get my fucking hormones in check or something.

Devi had all but leapt up from the table a few minutes later to run to the bathroom and that seemed to be the que for everyone to disperse. My parents gave each other a silent sympathetic look and Nick murmured something about how weird Leah's friend was. I stood, the chair screaming in protest and stomped to my room, eager to distance myself from the bewildering thundercloud that was by the sound of it, puking profusely and my family who dared to judge her.

The wood was cool and smooth against my back as I brought my thoughts back to the present, allowing my head to fall back and I allowed a small frustrated groan to escape my lips. Warmth was creeping up my neck into my face and despite the walls being my safe place, I suddenly felt trapped.