Tear You Apart

Mess of Mine

I wasn't sure if my plan would work. I didn't even know if he cared or if he would show up. We still hadn't spoken, a fact that caused a stray tear to creep into my eyesight before I could catch myself. I stilled the traitorous emotion with a finger and bit my lip, wrapping my jacket around me tighter as the wind cut through my layers as easily as tissue paper. Leah had delivered the message for me and now it was up to him to reciprocate. This was my only chance to fix things, there was no time for self-pity or waterworks. My heart was pounding against my ribs, but this wasn't about me. This was so much bigger than just me. I pulled into the park and the memory of him confessing his feelings played over and over in my head like a projector. Was it my turn now?

His pine green Jeep sat parked in the same space I'd chosen the very first night we'd formally met, and I stopped breathing momentarily. Was that fate or just coincidence?

"You didn't call." I wrapped my trusty leather jacket around my freezing torso as I joined him in the elements. There was no indication this time to join him in his vehicle and that send tendrils of dread through me. His hands were in his pockets and he was leaning against the driver side of his Jeep watching my every move with calculating eyes as he spoke with a hint of resentment that rang loud and clear in his tone. He was still angry. I couldn't blame him. From his point of view, he must've thought the worst. His eyes were bloodshot and the bags under them were heavy and swollen. Was he high or had he been crying? It broke me inside to think the latter might actually be a possibility.

"Neither did you." I almost wished I could stand the scent of burning tobacco so I could have something to do with my hands beside resist the urge to ring them. Despite the voice in my head telling me to run-not walk back to my own vehicle, I stood my ground. I was a fighter goddamnit and this- he was worth fighting for. I couldn't picture the alternative. It might kill me to go back to how things were.

"Are we really doing this right now?" His voice was disbelieving as I interrupted him with a gesture. My hands didn't shake now. No in fact, I had never felt so sure of myself. "That isn't the issue at hand."

"Devi." There was a steeliness there that wasn't a few seconds ago. I wanted to cross the few meters between our vehicles and beg him for forgiveness and throw myself into his arms, but my feet wouldn't move.

"Let me speak." I couldn't stop the break in my voice but took a deep breath, pushing forward. "Please. I've known you for less than six months and yet it's like I've known you an entire lifetime. I swear I've aged ten years just being around you," I chuckled nervously. Judd was rigid; I couldn't even see him breathing.

"But it's more than that. I... I'm not right. And not in the quirky 'I'm different than all the other girls' kind of way. There are days when I dissociate so hard, I've hurt myself unintentionally. I wasn't lying when I told you I have the empathy of a chair either. Something, I don't know what, is seriously wrong with me." He shifted on his feet and rolled his eyes. "But not when I'm with you."

"So, I'm just a crutch for your mental instability?" Those feral green eyes were back, and his body language read irritation. If he had a tail, it would be lashing back and forth like an angry cats'. I minutely panicked. This wasn't helping.

"No that- that's not what I mean at all. I simply mean up until I met you, I'd never imagined I could feel such an array of emotions. That I could feel this." I was in front of him in two wide strides, grasping one of his own in both of mine before bringing it up to my chest and laying it over my sternum where my heartbeat thumped away erratically. He allowed it for a moment, his gaze softening as he leaned into the communication of our skin. "You're the only person that can make it do that Judd. Can make me feel things." My eyes fell to the pavement before meeting his, searching for any glimpse of understanding.