An Old Friend ✔️

TWENTYNINE

He broke down in front of me. His face was in his hands and his sobbing was like an arrow through my heart, and I started to tear up myself.

"Jin..."

"Please don't." he croaked out looking up to me. "Please don't decide this right now, give it time? Please?"

"Jin, I don't want this to happen again. Birth control is clearly not enough."

"But...please...just...give it time."

My heart hurt for him. It killed me to hear him so upset, to the point of begging. And never in million years did I expect to ever be able to say no to him. But this is not something I wanted to put my body through. I never imagined myself being a mom, having a family. But as he sat there in front of me, broken and upset, I tried to picture it.

Jin as a dad, me as a mom, a baby.

I guess it's not so bad.

But I don't want it right now.

I felt as if I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I really didn't want to stop my life just for a child. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure if I had a child I would be happy and love him or her, or them. But there is so much I wanted to do.

"Jin, please listen to me?"

He nodded and calmed himself, before his eyes locked with mine again. "It's not like I don't think it would be great, to have a child. Especially yours. But....there is just so much I want to do. I want to travel, and not just with the group. I want to be selfish...I just got you. I want to do things with you that I haven't been able to before. I want to go sky diving, spend a week in Ireland if one day I feel like leaving the next day. I want to be able to touch you whenever I want, kiss you, spend all my time with you. I...I love you so much Jin and I know it will take time for the feelings to be mutual but we need more time. I need more time with you."

He was listening intently and at first I thought he would argue it. "You love me?"

"You know I do."

"Then don't do this."

"That isn't fair!" I said angry at this point. "You cant use my love for you as a tool to get what you want. Do you not care about my feelings at all?"

"I do care about your feelings. I do. I care more about yours than my own. But what if you change your mind. What if in 5 years, you are ready for a family and you regret taking such a big step because of a scare."

"It's not just a scare. The birth control isn't working, I don't want to go through this again."

"I don't want you to either." he said.

"Then what do you want me to do?" I asked him. I was terrified of where this conversation was going. I didn't want this to end. Not like this. "What else can I do?" 

There was a slight pause between us, and neither of us were sure of what to say. We were clearly on different wave lengths with this topic and I started to get scared that there was no way to solve it.

We wanted different things.

The ONE thing we disagreed on.

The ONE thing that we wanted different outcomes on.

Could quite literally break our relationship.

Destroy everything we had worked for.

Throwing all the time I wasted on holding on to my love for him for nothing.

"Jin?"

"I love you." He whispered.

My body froze and my eyes were wide.