believe || madderton

3. handling it

In the next days, things only got worse. Because of the fact that Madden was my neighbour, I often went to school either way too early or far too late, so I wouldn't encounter him. My mum didn't really notice anything, since she didn't have to get up before I went to school. Also in school I did everything to keep out of his way. But I noticed that I only did this so I wouldn't seem like I wanted to be near him. Actually I did exactly the opposite. Everytime I was wandering through the corridors with my friends I was looking for him. I didn't want to talk to him, probably I would just embarrass myself. I just wanted to see him. Of course my friends noticed that I was absent most of the time, but they let me be. I think they still found it quite amusing, that I had a crush on a teacher. It all went so far, that sometimes when I came home, I felt down because I hadn't seen him this day. Then I would walk up to my room and stare out of my window, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. I persuaded myself that it wasn't stalking, since I still was allowed to look out of my window. When I then decided to give up, I would practice my songs. Yes, I had other purposes in life than just my teacher. I took singing lessons at my school and in fact, I was really good at it. At least my teacher Mrs. Blackbird thought so. She said I had to sing at the next event at our school. And of course I was confident concerning my singing skills, but just at the thought of singing infront of so many people and then Madden, I felt sick. But fortunately I didn't have to worry about that right now, since the next event at our school was not until christmas. One thing I had to worry about aswell were my french skills. Although Vicky taught me quite a bit, I still sucked. Fortunately Ben was just as bad as I was, so we both would just make fun of the words and not listen to the teacher, since we didn't understand a single word. Our only hope to survive the trip to French was when Rami was our personal interpreter.

So my most current problem was still Madden. I had struggles in deciding how to behave infront of him. Should I try to act as everything was normal, ignore him, or be nice to him so he would maybe like me too? My friends weren't really helpful in that matter. Lucy told me I should tell him how I felt which was completely crazy. Rami agreed with her, I mean what other option did he have? And Ben and Joe said I should be so annoying in his class that he would give me detention and then had to be alone with me. But every english class got worse. At first I just ignored him and tried to act as if I was just tired every lesson. Gradually I started skipping school and instead spent a day in the park smoking or going home. Since my mum wasn't home until the evening I could do whatever I wanted. Sometimes I took my dog JB for a walk. He always supported me. I told him about Madden and I must say he helped me more than anyone else did, because he just listened. He didn't give any opinion that I didn't want to hear or tried to persuade me into doing anything. He just listened and I felt like he understood me. One day where I decided to attend the english lesson for once, it was a complete disaster. I couldn't concentrate and just scribbled the lyrics of some songs on my sheet. I feelt miserable. I had to look at Madden while he stood there and looked as stunning as always and I couldn't do anything about it. I just had to look at him and accept that there won't ever be more than this. I continued to write the lyrics of my favourite song into my notebook.

I can't find
The right romantic line
But see me once and see the way feel
Don't discard me baby don't
Just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have, cuts I have
They need love
They need love, they need love to help them heal

Don't let the sun go d...

"Taron?" I looked up. Madden was staring at me, with reprimand in his eyes. I cleared my throat. "Yes?...Mr.Madden?" He saw how embarrassed and intimided I was and his gaze softened a bit. "Could you pay attention please?" I nodded and thought it was over with that, but after a short pause he continued: "What were you doing anyway?" I threw a quick glance at Joe next to me and saw sympathy, but also amusement in his eyes. I cleared my throat once more. "Oh just..." Madden walked up to me and observed my sheet. While he was reading I looked at him and tried not to stare too intensely at him. After a few seconds he smiled gently and then muttered: "Great song." Then he looked at me, gave me a wink and went back to his table. I slowly turned my head to Joe and Ben who were smiling full of joy. Joe leaned to me and whisper screamed: "Oh my god! What was that?" I couldn't hold back a smile, but then hushed him. "Shhh, what if he hears you!" Joe shut up, but still had a wide grin on his face. After the lesson I got up and was about to leave the room, when I heard Madden calling after me: "Taron, wait a second. Could I have a quick word with you?" Oh no. I stopped and slowly turned around. With my best fake smile I said: "Of course, professor."  Joe and Ben passed me and gave me a pat on the back. Ben mumbled: "Good luck, mate." I swallowed and then sat down infront of the teacher. When everybody had left, he stood up and walked up to me until he stood right infront of my table. Then he sat down aswell and said in his alluring scottish accent: "Okay, Taron. I noticed, that you often skipped school in the last few days, but also that it were mostly my classes... Is there a reason?" I swallowed and tried to find a good excuse. "Well, I... no, not really. I just...I'm sorry.." I stuttered. He looked at me with something undefinable in his eyes. Then he moved a bit closer and layed his hand on the table. How bad I wanted to reach out and touch it. Just hold his hand... He also looked at his hand and then pulled it back. "Okay Taron, I know, that it's the last year of school for you, but don't you think it would be helpful to use this opportunity of getting educated? Just don't forget that not everybody is this privileged. I mean, you're eighteen, you can decided for yourself, but please think about it. It's your future." I nodded quickly and mumbled something like "Yes, I know. Sorry." For a few seconds he just looked at me and I felt like drowning in the blue sea of his eyes. Then he cleared his throat, stood up and said: "Okay, thanks Taron. You can go now."I was a bit disappointed. I didn't want to leave him yet, but I didn't have a choice so I stood up too. When I was about to open the door of the classroom, I hesitated. I turned back and noticed that he was looking at me. "Thanks Professor.." He smiled kindly and my heart jumped a bit. He nodded and said: "No problem, Taron. You can always talk to me." I nodded too and a little smile appeared on my face. Then I left.

My friends were waiting outside of the school. At the sight of me, Lucy jumped up and speeded to me. "So did you confess your feelings??" I shook my head and laughed. Rami came too, placed his hand on his chest and shouted theatrically: "Oh Mr. Madden! I love you so much!" I laughed even more and pushed him back. He stumbled, but still couldn't stop laughing. After I told them what the little meeting was about, we decided to go home, since we had loads of homework to do. While I was going home, my thoughts drifted off to Madden. I was aware, that I probably read something into it, but he behaved strange when he was with me. Or I just wished he did, because that would mean, that I meant something to him. Even if it meant, that he didn't like me, in my opinion that would still be better than if he just thought nothing of me. I at least wanted to cause him some emotions.. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind. "Hey Taron." It was Madden. "Hello Professor..." I tried to hide how nervous I was. "How are you?" My thoughts were spinning inside of my head. Was he really chithatting with me? I cleared my voice. "Well, okay I guess..just a lot of homework expecting me at home." He chuckled. "Yeah, me too." I smiled a bit. "What do you mean?" He winked at me. Obviously this was becoming a habit. "I have to correct your essays." I chuckled. "Yeah, right..." He observed me. "Did you hand it in?" I took a deep breath and then smiled embarrassed at him. "Noo..." He laughed a bit and his eyes sparkled in amusement. "Oh, Taron. What am I gonna do with you?" I swallowed and noticed how I started sweating. This was too much for my needy teenager brain. I don't know if he noticed what he had just said, but he quickly added: "Well, nothing. Obviously. You don't have to write it if you don't want to. I'm glad if I have one text less to read." I nodded and searched for something to say, to make the strange tension between us go away. "So uhm, prom is next week. Are you going?" He was clearly thankful that I changed the subject. "Yeah, I suppose. Most of the teachers are going." I nodded. Since it was my prom, I was already stressed out. To continue our conversation he said: "So Taron, what are you hobbies?" I looked up. I was quite surprised that he was interested in my personal life, but decided to be honest with him. What did I have to lose? "Well, I do some sport, sometimes go out with friends and everyday I take my dog for a walk, but when I think of my hobbies the first thing that comes to my mind is singing." He seemed quite surprised. "Singing?" I nodded, noticing that I gained some confidence. A smile creeped on his face. "I'd like to hear it one day." I blushed. "Well, you will probably." Now he looked even more surprised. "Really..That's uhm great..." I noticed that he was quite confused and explained it to him: "Yes, because I'm gonna sing at the next school event." He smiled and then chuckled slightly embarrassed. "Oh yes of course. Well I'm looking forward to it." I smiled and we both talked until we arrived at home. After I had taken off my shoes and my jacket, I immediately ran up to my room and called Lucy. I told her everything and she literally screamed when I said that he mentioned, he wanted to hear me sing and so on. "Omg Taron! He so flirted with you!" I blushed. "No, he didn't. He was just being nice." But Lucy didn't gave in. "No Taron. I tell you. This man flirted with you." I chuckled and I noticed that I got used to having a crush on him. I didn't even question it anymore. I just accepted it. Lucy and I continued to talk for a while. After she hung up I noticed that now I also thought that he had flirted with me. Maybe I just wished that he had, but I allowed myself this bit of hapiness.

Seven days later I was standing infront of the mirror and adjusting my bow tie. I had to admit, that I looked like a snack. I couldn't await it anymore to see Madden outside of school. In this moment I found myself so handsome, I was sure, that he would fall in love with me when he saw me. Then my mum appeared and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Come on honey. The cab is already waiting outside." I smiled and hugged her tightly. Then I left the house and got into the cab.