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I wake up screaming, kicking the sheets. I hear running, and soon my dad is in my doorway, his eyes wide. He had to have been asleep - he wasn't wearing his glasses. I breathe heavily, and my father makes his way over to my bed. "It's okay, it's not real. You're out of the arena. You never have to go back." It's almost a month since I'd gotten back, and I had nightmares each night. The first night, Marina had crawled into my bed with me, not letting me sleep alone, and my dad had fallen asleep in the chair next to my bed. "I'm fine. You can go back to bed." I say, running my fingers through my hair. "Lia, I don't mind staying in here for you." He assures me. I shake my head.
"It's okay, dad. Thank you." I smile, and he stands up, heading back to his new bedroom.
"You know where to find me or Marina and I if you need us." My father tells me, and I nod.
I wait a few minutes before I pull the covers off, and sneak out of my open bedroom window. I'd been keeping it open because the sounds of the crashing waves calmed me down. I don't even grab my shoes, I just start walking. Only a few people are out at this time of night, so I know I won't be bothered.
I walk towards the beach like a zombie. I look like one, too. I put my arms around my knees, sitting down, when I reach a big rock that Marina and I often visited. I look out at the water, wanting to go under and never come back up. I'd decided to live in the arena, but I was so overwhelmed with guilt and trauma that I couldn't even think straight. I rock back and forth, letting the tears fall down my face. I leave for The Victory Tour in two days, and I dread looking at the families of the fallen tributes. To make matters worse, it all wraps up at Snow's mansion.
I stand up, walking towards the sea. I want to feel the water touch my feet. I stare out at the crashing waves, and my feet start leading me deeper into the water. My green nightgown is soaked, and the water is up to my shoulders now.
The image of Azure smiling before I left to find food replayed in my head, and wouldn't stop. If I had been there, I could have protected her. She had to have been so scared when she died. Knowing that I wouldn't be back in time to save her, and that she knew she couldn't fight well. The blood in the white snow haunted me. She was so tiny, but there was so much blood. The thought of Lily holding Azure's head in her hands made me sick. I had tried so hard.
Before I knew it, I was completely underwater.
I couldn't breathe, but I ignored it, letting my body instinctively thrash around in the water. My head feels like it's about to explode, and it's like somebody is pointing a gun at my chest, telling it not to beat, but of course, it does. My lungs inhale the briny water, and I begin to fall further into the darkness that threatens to swallow me whole.
I wake up, choking on water. Someone pulls me into a sitting position, beating on my back so the water comes up. When they lay me back down again, I am staring into Finnick's green eyes. There are tears streaming down his face, and I weakly reach up to wipe them.
"Cora, please don't leave me. Don't kill yourself." He pleads. My eyes are still heavy, and I just want to sleep, but I force myself to sit up.
"How did you-" I cough, still tasting the salt water.
"I couldn't sleep; I decided to come down here, and I saw someone thrashing in the water. You scared me to death, Cora." He tells me. He can't ask me why I wanted to do it - it's obvious.
"I didn't want to live when I got back, but I'm glad I did because it lead me to you. I'm not gonna lie and say that the bad thoughts ever go away, but you have so many people that love you." He rambles.
"I'm scared, Finnick. I just want it all to go away." I cry, hugging him. He strokes my hair, gently rocking me back and forth. I cry until I fall asleep on his shoulder.
***
I wake up in my room, with Finnick standing next to my bed. It's daylight now.
"I didn't tell your dad. I know what it's like coming home after the Games. So, I won't tell anyone. But if you try to-"
"I won't." I tell him. He sits down on my bed, grabbing my hand.
"What if we make a routine?" He suggests. My eyebrow raises as I look at him. "Routine?"
"Anytime you can't get the thoughts out of your head, knock on my door. I don't care what time of night, you just knock on my door anyway. I'll comfort you until it goes away. What about that?" He asks. I smile softly, nodding. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"Finnick, I just want you to know...I wasn't planning on doing what I did last night. I really just wanted to get some fresh air and watch the waves crash. The memories overwhelmed me, and it was like my feet were moving without permission. I'm sorry I scared you. I'll be better." I tell him.
"First week I got home, I found myself tying a noose. I had just been tying my ropes normally. You don't have to be better right now, Cora. You just have to hang in there, and know that you are loved, and what you did in that arena doesn't define you."
***
I'd stayed in my room, letting the early hours pass by. I couldn't fall back asleep, and though my hair had dried, I was sure I still smelled like saltwater. I still couldn't believe I'd done that. I was disappointed in myself, and I was thankful that Finnick would let me tell them on my own terms. I make my way towards the dining table, putting a smile on my face before I hear my name. I back up a little, making sure not to be seen.
"Will things ever go back to normal? I mean, she's been through so much, but do you think things will ever be the same?" I hear Marina ask, and my father sigh. I stay put, wanting to hear how this conversation unfolds.
"I don't think they will. I don't think a person can go in and out of the arena and still be the same. I just hope she doesn't shut us out." I hear my father say. Looking into the dining room, I see just my dad and sister. My guess is that Uncle Fletcher is out on the boats.
"I can't imagine going through that. I never thought I'd see her cry over Blaze Keenwood. He pushed and shoved her more times than I can count, and never had anything nice to say. Lia is more forgiving than I could ever be. It's a good thing...usually, but I'm scared it could get her in trouble one day." The fourteen-year old admitted.
"Every cut, every kick, every wound that was inflicted on her; my heart would stop. I was petrified that we were going to lose her. I've never wished someone dead before, but when it was down to her and that girl...when she won...I had never been so relieved at someone getting an ax to the head." My father looks zoned out, and I think I can see tears in his eyes. I'd been focusing on myself so much that I hadn't even thought of how my family felt. Now I felt even more selfish for my actions last night.
"So, no. Things won't be the same. The best thing we can do is be there for her, get her through every nightmare, give her space when she needs it. The innocent Coralia had to die for her to win, and I'm thankful she did." My father says, walking towards the sink.
"Should I go wake her up?" Marina asks, and my eyes widened.
"No, let her sleep. She barely does anymore. I'll wake her up after I've done the dishes." I make make way back to my bedroom, making sure to stay quiet. I fall back into bed, staring at the ceiling.
