The Diary of Joy

Reconciliation

23. Peace, the year of the Phoenix

Dear Angel,

Today was an interesting day for me. Something unexpected happened that made me both happy but also partly frustrated since it wasn't such a perfect day for my mom.

Okay, okay, I know I am getting ahead of myself, and you are getting frustrated with my vagueness. Let me start from the beginning.

Today I got an unexpected invitation to join my fairy grandmother and grandfather for a morning walk. Of course, they didn't give any further explanations (That's so like them!) but still, it was uncommon for them to do so which is why I thought it might be important and immediately agreed to meet up.

Once I got to the river bank they wanted to meet me at, they were acting strangely. Usually, they were very proud, calm and collected, but this time they seemed almost nervous.

When I got there, grandmother smiled at me as if I were her favorite person in the world, which I never was, while grandfather awkwardly cleared his throat. It was clear to me that the conversation would be a serious one, and I wasn't sure I was ready for whatever they had to say.

"Joy, I know that we haven't always seen eye to eye, and that there are some things we don't approve about you." Grandmother said.

That was a gross understatement. It wasn't about them approving something about me, they didn't approve of me, of my existence. They thought I was unnatural, an abomination. I heard them say so one time. Still, I decided that this was not the time to point that out. Instead, I just nodded my head in acknowledgment.

"However, your grandfather and I have thought about it, and we are ready to accept you as our granddaughter." She said.

The way she said it annoyed me more than anything before. It was as if she was doing me a huge favor by accepting the fact that we were related, by finally treating me the way they should have always treated me, but still, I said nothing.

Even when those hypocrites moved close to me, hugging me tightly, I said nothing. I just returned the hug.

I know what you are thinking. Why would you do that, you crazy girl!? They never accepted you, and even now they made it look as if they were doing charity work!

Well, as much as that is true, I still want their approval, their acceptance, more than I thought. It was as if finally getting something you had been craving for and being unable to refuse it even if you knew it would be bad in the long run.

Also, this might be the first step for them to become better people, more accepting. Maybe we could finally have family dinners I've dreamed of, I thought then. Of course, that was when they decided to crush that wonderful dream.

"You are always welcome. However, we cannot extend the same courtesy to the humans that you call your siblings and your parents. You understand Lyna has betrayed us in the worst way possible, and although elves are generally okay, we can't accept one as part of our family. Not to mention the humans." Grandfather said.

Grandmother nudged him gently, trying to recover from the awkward situation his statement was bound to cause. He stopped talking, not sure how to go on or what else he could say.

"What your grandfather is trying to say, is that we are not yet ready to forgive Lyna, or accept other members of your family. However, if you give us more time, if you are patient with us, I am sure that one day we will be able to do so." Grandmother said.

Although she was always a better actress than grandfather, it was obvious that she didn't mean it. She seemed appalled by the very idea of accepting my family as it was.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by that. It's the way things were since I could remember. Only before, they didn't approve of me either. They would say it was something I did, or how I acted, but I always knew it was about me being a hybrid.

Not wanting to ruin the moment that I saw as a crack in the dam, I thanked them and apologize saying I had to go do some schoolwork, knowing full well that it was the only valid excuse in their eyes. We parted on good terms, but it took all my strength not snap at them, not to yell, rage, demand they accept my family. Baby steps, I guess.

Still, as I hurried home, I couldn't stop all the bad memories from flooding in. All the times they said things that hurt my feeling, the times they didn't respect or accepted who I was, all the tears I shed because of them being unable to just let me be me.

I might not be perfect, but no one is. All I needed from them was a kind word, support, but all I got was disapproval.

One time, when I was very young and naive, I thought that maybe if I did something nice for them, they would finally love me. So, I used my magic dust to make a cake for them. Of course, having in mind that my fairy dust is rainbow-colored, that was how the cake turned out as well.

Instead of being happy about the small sign of affection that I made, all by myself, they got angry with me. They told me that no self-respecting fairy would so blatantly display such defect, that fairy dust should only have one color. That night I cried so much that my mother barely managed to calm me down and still, I insisted on visiting them, on trying again.

Another time, when I was at the annual party that most magical beings attended, in my beautiful new dress with shining stars all over it, they approached me. Even after everything, I thought they just wanted to say hello. Of course, that was not why they approached me.

It turned out that I unconsciously put my hair behind my ears, and my elf years were on full display. They told me to hide away the abnormality, that it showed clearly that I didn't belong.

That time I cried a little less and went to dad, not wanting to further upset mom.

After that, I got tougher, and I never cried, no matter what they said. Still, today was just too much for me. I've felt so many conflicting emotions that crying was the only way out.

I feel great that they have finally admitted I exist, but I also feel guilty for not standing up for my family more. Still, I think it might be justifiable since I was completely stunned by the development.

Anyway, I am exhausted from so much crying. I am off to bed.

Love, always,

Joy