P.s i still love you

Ch. 10

Nialls POV-

I still cant believe he is gone. He was the only person who helped me pull through. Now where is he?

I came back to the flat yesterday. Louis stuff was gone. Not that im surprised. Honestly, i expected it.

I hate this. I loved Harry. Harry loved Louis. Louis hurt Harry. Harry is now gone.

Everything is going wrong. How could Harry just leave? What the fuck is wrong with him? I was always there. He just didnt know it.

I dont know maybe its neither Louis or Harry's fault. Maybe its mine. Of course its mine. I shouldve let Harry know he could tell me anything. I should've helped. But i didnt, and thats just the reality of it.

I just want to feel anything but this kind of pain.

I never knew why people inflicted pain among themselves. Im just about to find out, though.

I take my razor and dislodge the razors from the handle.

I cry. For what seems like hours but really was only minutes. I try to think of things that might make me stay strong and not do this, but my mind has only one thing on it. Thats Harry.

I twirl the blade around in my hands and wonder what made me fall for Harry so hard?

Was it his curly hair? Or his bubbly personality? Or his cute smile that made his dimples show? Or was it just him in general? The last one. Definitely the last one.

I dont want to give in to the darkness that surrounds me, no. But can i really avoid it?

I just want pain. Different kind of pain. Not the one that makes my heartache and head spin. The one that physically hurts. But then again, this ache for Harry also physically hurts. Ugh. This is so stressful.

I finally stop twirling the razor and place it between my thumb and pointer finger. I press it against my wrist and the itching sensation grows impossibly stronger. I apply more pressure before carefully dragging it across my wrist.

Relief. Its what i feel. Not the kind where everything is okay again. The kind where a bunch of stress is released. I know why now. I know why they do it.

Its not for the attention, hell no. Its for the relaxing flow of blood that oozes out. Its so that you can feel pain other than the one that caused you to fall into the dark pit called depression. Its like letting all the pain ooze out with the blood. Of course, only to return after the pain soothes out a bit.

I dont want to get into the habit of self harming. But what else an i do? It helps, a lot. Already!

I jump into the shower and let the stinging sensation take over as the lukewarm water hits the cut.