Laughing On The Outside

Chapter 5

  There were so many things going on in your head that clouds soon started forming in it. You couldn't put your thoughts into a regular and logical order. You had so many things to ask him, about his family, about his job, you didn't want to stay silent. But your intention wasn't to ruin his mood, Arthur seemed to be in a good one, anyway, you going to his show probably being the reason why. You kept silent as you were desperately trying to make amends with yourself and stop fighting your curiosity. He should have had it coming, you wanting to learn more. It was totally normal for two people to get to know each other but when it came to Arthur, it felt as if knowing more would create even more burdens between you.

  "So... About earlier..." You just couldn't help yourself. You were about to go inside the mind of a criminal, if he allowed you, of course, and you needed to be cautious. One wrong move and you could end up even dead.

  "Y/n... Did you really like the show or did you lie? I can take the truth, you know?"

  No, it was never your intention to lie about it. You actually enjoyed it, even though you ended up being seriously concerned about Arthur's mental health. The thing is, how do you ask? How do you ask if someone needs help, how do you make them open up to you and trust you? How do you unlock someone's memories without hurting or disturbing them more? You weren't an expert, you knew absolutely nothing about psychology... All you had was a big heart that was trying to alleviate the pain of a tortured soul even for a bit. You weren't sure how, yet, but you just felt like Arthur was worth the trouble, after all.

  "No! Of course not, I had fun... Your jokes are obviously not for everyone, I hope you don't take the audience's reaction at heart..." You sounded defensive in the beginning, that's why you tried to soften your voice. Upsetting him was anything but in your plans.

  "I was going to, but even if one person enjoyed it, then I won't. Especially if it's you..."

  "Arthur..." There it went, your first attempt to make yourself clear. Υou hadn't made up your mind, you weren't even sure what that whole thing with him was...

  "I still scare you." He stated lowly as if it was meant only for him to hear. He wasn't wrong.

  "Is it that surprising?"

  "I hate to say it, but, yes, and I can't understand why..."

  You shook your head, letting out a deep sigh. Was he doing it on purpose? Was he trying to make you talk about that night? Or was he so sick that he had just erased everything from his memory?

  "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

  "Arthur, correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't it like two days ago when you killed three people while dressed as a clown?"

  "Well, yes, but what does that have to with anything?"

  "You have to be joking, right?"

  "Since you came to my show and heard my jokes, you tell me. Does it sound like one?"

    No. Not at all. And if it indeed was a joke, it was a horrible one. Arthur's looked genuinely clueless and that was what made the situation even more concerning.

  "Do you even feel the slightest of remorse? You shot them to death, Arthur! To death!" You whisper yelled at him, not wanting to cause a scene. You were still walking down the street, people were all around you, talking about Arthur's dirty business was supposed to take place somewhere more private.

  "Why would I? Didn't you see what they did to me? This world sucks, y/n, and it's full of people like them. The sooner you realize that the sooner you'll get over whatever you saw a few nights ago...I feel fine, absolutely fine, look at me..." He said as he stopped in front of you, smiling as he spun slowly, raising his hands in the air.

  No, that was not the real him, that was just a facade, it must have been. Arthur was not the most mentally stable person out there, that was a fact, but you expected to hear something else from him. Maybe that he hadn't slept ever since the incident. Maybe that he felt so guilty he was considering surrender. Maybe that he simply decided to leave it behind.

  Not only did Arthur remember his cruel doings, but he also felt absolutely nothing about it. If anything, he seemed satisfied with his choice. Like he'd actually done something beneficial for society.

  "That's not how it works, Arthur... Lives are not money or candy to steal, they're... They're lives! And it's not in our hands to serve justice... That's the role of the politicians we vote for-"

  "Sometimes THEY are not enough! What did politicians do when I was starving? What did politicians do when I was robbed and beaten up? What did they do, Y/n? What did they do when everyone told me that I was not good enough, that I AM not good enough? Nothing. They only care about power and money. I never did. All I ever wanted was to be treated like a human being and they couldn't even offer me that! So don't try to tell me what's wrong and right because IT. WILL. NOT. WORK!"

  You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to prevent the tears creeping in your eyes from escaping their sockets. The way his voice raised, the way he seemed to be meaning every single word he said... It was all too much. You had convinced yourself that you were prepared for something like that, but clearly, you were taken down way too easily. You said nothing, your gaze focusing on your shoes. It was the first time he was having an outburst like that, at least what you knew of.

  "Shit, I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

  "It's fine. I understand. And you have every right to be bitter and furious. But still, taking lives is not a change for the better, you become like one of them, like...I'll just... Uh... I think I'll just take a walk around. Alone."

  "Y/n-"

  "Go home, Arthur. Thanks for tonight..."

  And it was fine. Honestly. At least it was going to be. Maybe you weren't ready, after all. Maybe your own mind was so tangled you couldn't actually make it and help Arthur. Seeing his point of you would mean that your own sanity was slowly abandoning you. And that's what you feared the most.

  You thought of his words again and again. Afraid to lose your sanity. You saw his point. But he was a killer. Society spat on his face. Afraid to lose your sanity. He had a point. It wasn't that tragic after all. He was fine, you were fine, what else mattered?