Laughing On The Outside

Chapter 7

 
  The bathroom door slammed shut with a loud bang. You locked it with quick moves before collapsing on the floor, you back leaning against the cold wood. You let yourself cry, there was nothing else you could do. You were tired, so tired, you could pass out at any moment.

  It hurt. The fact that all the progress that seemed to me made was instantly erased. His words were like knives that instead of wounding him, were turned towards and stabbing you and your heart. What a fool you were, thinking that he was getting better. All the smiles he gave you, the better sleep he seemed to be getting, these were all signs of progress. And yet with just a few sentences, he'd managed to destroy the positive image you were starting to form.

  "My boss wants me to take some shots of the city, I could use some company..."

  "y/n, I don't know-"

  "Come on, Arthur, it'll be fun! Fresh air will do you good, I promise. Plus, rooftops always make the city look beautiful."

  You weren't the type to jump into generalized conclusions but maybe severely damaged people couldn't be fixed. You ended up telling him that. You knew you shouldn't have but his confession shook you to the ground. You couldn't believe your ears, the way he looked so peaceful, as if he'd set himself free from some kind of bond...It scared and sickened you.

  "I can walk you to work today if you want."

  "Really? Thank you, Arthur, that's really kind of you. How about some coffee along the way? My treat..."

  One day Arthur kindly asked to take you to his mother because she was constantly asking to see you. Which meant he had not only mentioned but also talked about you. She was a really kind and welcoming woman, you thought about her last moments and cried harder. Whatever she did in her younger life, it was wrong. But everyone deserved a second chance. She deserved to live the rest of her years at home, watching her favorite show in peace.

  "Hello, you must be Arthur's girlfriend! I hope you don't forget about poor old me too soon!"

  "Uh, actually, we're just-"

  "Mother! She's just my friend!"

  Friend! You thought you were getting there. But friends don't lie to friends. Friends listen to each other. If Arthur was truly trying to be your friend, he wouldn't play games with your trust he fought to gain a fragment of. He shouldn't have kept whatever he did a secret. Being honest with you would mean that he understood he did wrong. But he just couldn't see it. Like the night at the train, it was starting to become a habit now...You let yourself believe that Arthur was your friend. For a split minute. Then everything started tumbling down again and there you were, not having a clue as to what to do.

  "Why are you doing that?"

  "What?"

  "Closing yourself into the damn fridge? Thank God I came, do you want to freeze to death?"

  It was just two nights ago when he knocked on your door, angry with dried tears on his face. He'd thrown his mother's undelivered letter at you to read it. As your eyes scanned the underlined words, Arthur explained the whole situation with Thomas Wayne and how he was apparently his damn son. You managed to calm him down after a whole two hours. He slept on your lap as you reassured him that all could be solved with a simple conversation.

  You were wrong. Because, apparently, Arthur's way of solving his problems was killing them.

  Next thing you knew, his mother was dead.

  "Why did you do it?"

  "Wouldn't you do it?"

  "I wouldn't."

  "She ruined my life, y/n! That's the reason I'm here rotting all by myself! She's the reason I'm laughing every time I want to fucking cry!"

  "You didn't even give her the chance to speak to you about it!"

  "She should have spoken up when he was beating me up! But she didn't because she didn't care. She never did! People get what they fucking deserve!"

  "You are no God, Arthur, what she did to you was terrible, but the woman was mentally ill! You had no right-"

  "I had every right! I feel better now, actually. I'll be able to focus on my career as a comedian. Besides, she told me I was not funny, can you believe it?"

  You slightly jumped at the sound of him knocking the door.

  "y/n..."

  "Leave. Just. Leave."

  You wish you were there to protect him from all the important, even little things that shaped his mind. Arthur would be one of the best comedians, booking shows in theaters all over the city, get bigger, even. He would laugh with his heart as he poured it into his material. You imagined yourself next to that Arthur. Going out with him, maybe.

  "I told myself that the best thing to do is push you away. Abandoning me will finally be your salvation, we both know that. But I can't because I'm selfish. So can you please accept me the way I am?"

  He had to be kidding. No, he had to be in a way more serious state than you'd met him in. Him showing signs of improvement was an illusion, yes, he was crumbling and you thought he was getting rid of all the negative thoughts. Arthur was just planning his next murder, wasn't he? All he needed was a reason and there, thoughts could become actions in the blink of an eye.

  "Accept a murderer? For what? You've messed up the meaning of acceptance, Arthur. I can accept a mentally pressured and depressed person, I can accept his plead for help, I can accept his fucking lies about wanting to change. But I can never and nor will I ever accept a killer."

  The bangs on the door were getting louder, he didn't reply, he just took all his anger out at the poor door. It didn't take long for him to start laughing. And Arthur laughed, hard. As if what you've said was one of the best jokes he'd ever heard in his entire life.

  "Have you ever tried counting the stars?"

  "Is this why you brought me up here?"

  "Damn, Fleck, you got me..."

  "I never felt the need to. And now there's the brightest one, sitting next to me, trying to fix an old camera. So what's the point?"

  "Ew, this is worse than the penny joke. And my camera's not old, excuse you!"

  The sound of his voice was driving you insane. Your blood was boiling, you wished you could slap some sense into him. But it was Arthur, nothing made sense, him, your relationship with him, nothing. You gathered all strength in your body to stand up. That was it. You were done, for good. You tried to put the fact that he'd killed to the side and call it an event to the past. You believed people can change and evolve, turned out people didn't include the man behind the door. And opening it meant that he had got you again. It was like opening the door to your heart again.

  Arthur had to understand that you were not going to keep putting up with his crimes. You just rested your head against the door, praying that he'd just give up. Giving in first was going to make things worse.

  "I'm sorry!"

  "We both know you're not. Leave."

  Silence filled the atmosphere after a while. His laugh died out and soon did his footsteps. You waited some more before going out. You expected him to jump out from some wall or room, but nothing. He had left.

  "Can I hold your hand?"

  "Why?"

  "I don't know. It feels nice..."