Laughing On The Outside

Chapter 6

  He felt awful. Awful. He had to learn how to control himself, it wasn't like he couldn't. It was just hard, really hard to do so. He knocked on your door the next morning before going to work. He didn't care if you were sleeping, he didn't know if you were already gone, he just wanted to see you, hear your voice. He spent the night beating himself up for the way he acted and he wanted to make up.

  "y/n, are you there? I'm sorry! I promise I won't yell at you like that again! Ever!"

  You had to open up. You had to let him apologize. He knew you were unaware but the connection Arthur felt... You were a kind human being, soft-hearted and fragile, a gift sent from the universe. Meaning that there was still hope for him, that he could eventually stop being on his knees. That with you by his side, he could be helped and finally stand on his own two feet. In his miserable life, you were the only one who cared enough to talk to him, attend his show, hell, even lecture him about his murders. You were special, different, in a way Arthur couldn't pinpoint. He couldn't just let you slip from his grasp.

  But were you ever there in the first place? What if all of these interactions were just creations of his mind? What if you were too good to be true? With a messed up mind like his, he couldn't find a way to confirm it. He just hoped. Hoped that when he would wake up the next morning and the morning after that, you'd still exist.

  "I'm a messed up person, I know I am. But everyone has someone, right? Someone to lean on? I have no one. And if you leave me too, I don't know what I'll do..."

  The door slowly unlocked and eventually opened, but the chain remained on it.

  "You have your mother..." You croaked.

  "Hey! Hey... I thought you left..."

  "Well, obviously I didn't."

  You'd heard it all. You didn't catch any sleep at all, getting a good night's rest was a long distant friend at that point, first your job and then Arthur, it was wearing you out.

  "Are you mad at me?"

  "No, Arthur, I'm not. It's just...Give me a second." You knew he wasn't going to leave that easily. You'd made the mistake to let hin trust you and now you had to slowly start facing the consequences.

  You closed the door to undo the chain and you hesitantly opened it again. It was rude for you to hide in your apartment while he awkwardly stood in the hallway. As soon as Arthur met your whole figure, he didn't spend another moment and just walked to you and hugged you. He put his arms around you so desperately, holding you as if you were going to disappear forever. You felt uncomfortable in his embrace. You wanted to hug him too, you so much wanted to because he needed it. And he deserved it, he deserved to be hugged and loved.

  But you were frozen. You just stood there, hands hanging, as you let him bury his head into your shoulder. You just blinked and waited to pull away. You couldn't offer him the affection he needed, you thought you'd be able, but you just couldn't, especially when thinking about those three men dying almost instantly on the subway.

  "I'm sorry, I'll do better, I promise I'll try to do better, ask me to and I will try to do better... I want to do better... I want to be better..."

  If you hadn't spent all your tears the other night, you would definitely be crying now.

  Sad. Arthur, his life...Just, sad. And that sadness had long settled in your heart and started absorbing the light from your face that mirrored your soul. You thought you'd be able to absorb or bounce it away, but instead, it was already consuming you.

  "See? That's what I mean..." You finally spoke, as he pulled away.

  "What?"

  "We... We can't work. We're not friends and I hate to say this but I cannot trust you, Arthur. I can't. I want to be here for you but-"

  "You know what, I get it. It was stupid of me to think that there was one person in this world that actually cared. It's not your fault, it's mine. I'm sorry I wasted your time."

  That's how it'd been, going back and forth with him was not progress at all. And your thoughts were tangled, one moment you felt ready to undertake the difficult task of trying to help him, the other you just felt like this involvement would cost you so much more than you could imagine.

  You could at least try.

  "Hey..." You sighed at the sight of him walking away.

  "Arthur!" Great, he was ignoring you now. You quickly put some shoes on and grabbed your bag, leaving for work a little earlier wouldn't make any harm.

  "Arthur, I'm talking to you! Wait!" The keys trembled in your hands too as you struggled to lock the door. When 6iu finally did, you practically ran to the elevator where Arthur stood, waiting to get in.

  "Am I hearing voices? Good for you, Arthur, good for you..."

  "You're not hearing voices, you dumbo! Hey, look at me!"

  And he did. Completely emotionless, as if he was made of ice, he turned around in an instant and you almost fell on him. You took a few cautious steps back, wiping some invisible dust from your jeans.

  "Look...I can't promise I'll be here forever, but for as long as I do, I'll try to make the best out of it. What do you say?"