Stay With Me

11

His mouth hung open as he tried to process what she had just said. His mouth closed then opened again as if he were trying to talk, the tears in his eyes now falling harder as he slowly backed himself up against a nearby tree. His mind remained unusually silent as he took it all in. He wasn't ready for this. There was no way he could be the father a child needed him to be when he couldn't even keep himself from trying to end it all. How was he supposed to take care of another human life? His music career would come to an end and he would have to go to school so he could get a better job to take care of it.

No... I can't do this!

Closing his eyes as tightly as possible, Dead tried to imagine it was all just a dream. He would open his eyes and be back in his room with Vanessa laying across his lap while he wrote some new song lyrics. It was all going to be back to normal once he opened his eyes. Counting down in his head, his eyes opened as he reached forty. The sharp realization that he wasn't in a dream had his breath caught in his throat. He struggled to remember how to breathe.

"This can't be happening," he hadn't meant to say it outloud.

Vanessa sighed, moving to sit in front of him. "Pelle, it isn't certain yet. It could just be a late period."

She tried to sound convincing for the both of them. If she was being honest, she wasn't exactly sure who she was trying to convince at the moment.

"I can't do it," his voice trembling. "I'm not ready to be a father. There's so much I wanted to do; so much I wanted to see. I wanted us to go to Transyvania one day. I can hardly keep myself alive!"

"Pelle," she started, "I have to go to the doctor next week and find out for sure about this. I know this is a lot for you, but I need you there with me. I'm just as scared as you are."

Try as he might, Dead couldn't calm his nerves. There was too much going on as it was lately with Euronymous, the band, his lack of sleep, and his parents wanting him to go back to school. Looking down at the ground he ran a shaky hand through his hair, taking a deep breath as he counted to ten. Vanessa watched with worried eyes, her own fears swallowing her as she wondered if Dead was going to end their relationship now.

No. She snapped. You're being selfish. Here he is about to completely fall apart and you're just worried about yourself. This affects him too.

"Pelle," she stared as she kneeled down beside him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this on you now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, I just was afraid of how you would react. I didn't want you to know until I was absolutely sure."

Reaching over he took hold of her hand. "It's okay. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but I'm scared."

"Come back to the house and we can talk more there. You're going to get sick sitting out here in the snow like this."

Dead stood with a heavy heart. This wasn't at all how he wanted things to be between him and Vanessa. Yet now he could hardly stand to look at her at all. It wasn't completely her fault if something happened, he should have been smart enough to have been more careful; but what if she wanted to keep the child? Would she even consider how he felt or just push his feelings aside? No. She wouldn't do that to him. If she didn't care about his feelings she wouldn't have dealt with him when Euronymous was being a jerk. She wouldn't be here if she didn't care.

They walked in silence, Dead occasionally looking over at her through the corner of his eye. She kept her focus on the ground as they walked, her eyes half closed as if deep in thought. Yet she looked unhappy. Dead felt guilt gnaw at him as he kicked himself for getting so worked up over something that might not even happen. Reaching over, he took hold of her hand as they came to a stop.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I shouldn't have gotten so worked up."

Vanessa shook her head, her eyes still glued to the ground. "You don't have anything to be sorry about, Pelle. I should have told you what was going on instead of just avoiding you and the situation. If anything, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. We should probably try and be more careful in the future. I'm sure it's probably just me being late, but I guess we'll find out. But we should probably talk about what to do if it comes out positive. What do you want to do?"

"I honestly don't know. Maybe we could consider adoption or something? I'm just not ready to be a father right now."

"I understand, sweetness. Maybe when we see if it's positive or not we can look into it and some other options."

"I hope this doesn't change anything between us. I don't want to lose you over this."

"Pelle, there's nothing you could ever do that would ever make me leave you or think any different of you or us. Unless you slept with another girl, of course."

Dead laughed, his mind slowly calming down. "Wouldn't ever dream of it."

Bending down, Dead quickly picked Vanessa up into his arms before pressing his lips against hers as he walked up to the front door of the house. For the moment, his mind still held its fears, but he was slowly starting to come to the realization that she wasn't like the other's before. She wouldn't hurt him on purpose, and if she promised never to leave his side, he believed her with all his heart. As he walked into the house he could hear the T.V. on with Euronymous talking to Varg on the couch. The two looked over at them before going back to whatever conversation they had been having. Setting her down, the two made their way up the stairs to the bedroom to enjoy some peace and quiet for the moment. As Vanessa snuggled into his arms, he nuzzled her neck breathing her in.