In the prison of LOVE (loving beyond)

Chapter 2

Yuuki's

"I will do everything for you, Yuuki." He sweetly whispered in my ears before hugging me.

"Can't you just please trust me?! Don't walk away just like this! Because, I can't live without you!! Please! I'll do anything for you!!" That's what he said to me during our fight. It was our first and last fight since 6 years old up to that day.. The words he kept on saying to me..

He'll do anything for me he says.. He kept on saying it.. He kept on repeating it, but I never ordered nor wished for him to do anything for me. Having him love me more than anyone is enough.. But for some reason, at that very moment.. I snapped. I hated those words.. Since I wished for him to do a single thing after 8 years of being together.. So I shouted back at him before leaving him.
It was in the spur of the moment, it wasn't intentional, it wasn't meant from the heart, it was only because of anger..

And then, I found myself standing inside his apartment. It was dark, cold and the sickening scent of alcohol.. It was still very clear, playing inside my head like a recorded high quality video.. It was vivid, complete, and unending. That moment.. Where I was just standing infront of him. Hugging his guitar tightly in my hands. My mouth was hanging open, my eyes are widened.. While looking up at his body hanging from the ceiling..
I was so shocked that I wasn't able to do anything.. Not even crying.. I was just staring at him, while hugging the thing that he treasures more than anything..
~~~~

Napadilat ako ng mata at walang ganang bumangon sa kama ko.
Napanaginipan ko nanaman yun. Ang araw kung kailan ako nawalan ng gana sa lahat ng bagay. Ang araw kung kailan tumigil sa pagtakbo ang oras ng buhay ko. Ang araw na iniwan na niya ako.

I haven't been able to sleep since that day, And the very few times that the medicine finally allowed me to sleep, I would dream about it, and then wake up. How many thousand of hours have I experienced over the past 3 years. But Since I knew the reason of it, I thought that it's okay. It should have been okay..
Pero habang tumatagal, lalong humihirap. Lalong sumasakit.

Bumangon na ako sa kama at ginawa ang personal hygiene ko bago ako lumabas ng bahay habang hawak hawak ang gitara.
Hindi ko iyon ginagamit, pero hindi ko mabitabitawan.
Pumunta na ako sa sakayan at nag hihintay ng tren.
Pagkasakay ko sa tren ay sumandal ako sa may bintana habang nakatayo at nakatingin sa labas.

I'm not lonely..

Yeah, I'm not lonely. Dahil ako mismo ang lumayo sa mga tao. Mula nang iniwan niya ako, naglaho rin akong parang bula, mula sa lugar nayun, mula sa mga taong nakakaalam sa akin, sa mga taong sumusuporta sa akin, sa mga taong alam ang buong kwento, lalong lalo na sa mga kaibigan naming pareho.

Nagtransfer ako ng tirahan at paaralan. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na lalayo ako para hindi ko na maalala yun.. Pero tang ina lang.. Kahit isang araw hindi niya ako pinatahimik..

Tumayo na akong maayos at lumabas sa tren at naglakad ng dahan dahan papunta sa school.
Lunes na lunes pero para akong patay na naglalakad. Walang energy at nakayuko lang ako nang may mabangga ako.
Nagbow lang ako ng kaunti bago ipinagpatuloy ang paglalakad.
Graduating na ako.. Sa wakas, matatapos narin.
Napahinga ako ng malalim at pumasok sa building ko.

Umupo ako sa upuan ko sa tabi ng bintana at napatingin lang sa labas.
Maraming mga studyante ang nagsisidatingan.
Lahat sila nagtatawanan, kung hindi nakaakbay sa katabi ay nakalingkis ang braso nila. May mga tropa, may magkaibigan, may magjowa.