In the prison of LOVE (loving beyond)

Chapter 8

"I'm not blaming you." Sabi ni Yuuki.

He saw how Hiragi froze pero hindi ito nag angat ng mukha.
He continued, "I left back then without saying a single word.. Because I thought you'd blame me as I blame myself. Sure.. Nagtampo ako sayo, kasi higit kanino, alam mo lahat ng mga nangyayari. Nandoon ka nung nag away kami pero wala kang ginawa.. Pero wala naman talaga akong karapatang manisi diba? Kasi wala rin akong ginawa.. After saying those words, iniwan ko siya at hindi nagparamdam.. Akala ko... Akala ko kapag binigyan ko siya ng oras na mag isip.. Marerealize niya ang intention ko.. Na gusto ko lang siyang makitang nasa maayos na kalagayan.. But then...
He must have really loved music... Dahil mas pinili niyang patayin ang sarili niya kaysa mamili sa akin at music.. That's why.. I hated music so much..." Yuuki.

Dahan dahang nag angat ng mukha si Hiragi.
"Then... You deciding to srart music again.. Was it because you're finally moving on? Or was it because you're still imprisoned from the past?" Tanung nito.

Napatigil saglit si Yuuki pero ngumiti ito ng bahagya.
Hindi siya sumagot pero alam niya sa sarili niya kung paano niya nagawang bumalik sa pagkanta.
"Thank you for telling me what you feel. Thank you for sharing my burden and guilt as well. But, let the self judge the right and the wrong, let others decide to praise or to blame, let gains and losses remain uncommented. You should go and free yourself as well. That way, we won't suffer the same agony.. We have to move forward after all." Mahina niyang sabi habang nakatingin sa paanan niya.

But... Was it really that easy to move on from such a thing?

Of course not.

Yuuki has been struggling so much to do that for three whole years..
Well.. Maybe it's just because he really didn't want to move on just yet back then.
He blamed himself and loathed himself for saying those provoking words that lead Youjin to do such a thing. The guilt and self loath ate him so much that he almost didn't want to forget about it.
Pinilit niyang hindi kalimutan yun at mabuhay na parang walang lakas para magpatuloy.. Kasi yun ang paraan niya kung paano niya pinarusahan ang sarili sa nangyari. Kung titignan mong mabuti, wala siyang ibang ginawa sa loob ng tatlong taon kundi ang magpenitensiya.. Whether he did it on purpose or subconsciously..

He only found himself gaining the courage to make a step forward because Ryouta was there pushing him from behind. Was he doing music again because he was moving on or because he was still imprisoned in the past?
It's Neither.. None of those are the reasons why, Yuuki thought.
He decided to do it again.. Because he wanted Ryouta to find the courage to move forward.. The same courage that he gave Yuuki unconsciously.
Was it to help him and see him happy again? Freely accepting love and affection from others? Of course..

But it would be nice.. If he would be happy and feel loved..
Beside me, Yuuki thought before smiling.

"You're smiling" Hiragi said.
Napabalik sa katinuan si Yuuki sa biglang pagsasalita ni Hiragi.
"You kept on using that usual poker face of yours.. I finally saw you smile.. For once, after Youjin was gone." Pabulong ni Hiragi sabay tayo.

Nagpaalam na siya kay Yuuki at dahan dahang naglakad papalayo.
Napahinga siya ng malalim. Isang beses.. Dalawa.. Tatlo.. Hanggang sa hindi na niya napigilan ang luhang nagmamakaawang lumabas sa mga mata niya.
Napakagat labi si Hiragi at napapikit ng mariin bago nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.
Hindi niya alam ang nararamdaman niya ngayon.
Malungkot ba siya? Masakit ba dahil sa guilt? Sinuntok suntok niya ang dibdib para maluwagan ang naninikip niyang dibdib.
Naiinis siya. Nagagalit siya. Hindi sa ibang tao kundi sa sarili niya mismo... For feeling so relieved.

Alam niyang hindi pa lubos ang pagpapatawad ni Yuuki. Alam niyang hindi rin siya napapatawad ni Youjin. Alam niya ring hindi pa niya kayang patawarin ang sarili niya.. Kaya nagagalit siya dahil kahit alam niya ang mga pesteng katotohanang yun ay hindi parin niya mapigilang makaramdam ng kaginhawaan..  Suddenly, He remembered what Yuuki said earlier..