In the prison of LOVE (loving beyond)

Chapter 10

Ryouta's

*knock 3x*

I'm in my house for two days straight. I never went out and never talked to anyone.
Nung gabing umalis ako sa bar, hindi rin ako umuwi nung gabing yun dahil alam kong pupuntahan ako ni Kuya.
Ayaw kong makipag usap ngayon dahil gulong gulo ako.

Hindi naman ito ang unang beses na may nag confess sa akin, at lalong hinding hindi ito ang kauna unahang may humalik sa akin which is obvious since I'm a famous player.. Pero pagdating kay Yuuki.. Natatakot ako.

Noon kapag may nagconfess at nagsisimula silang maging clingy, I always push them away with blunt and frank words without even trying to consider their feelings.. Pero nung nagconfess si Yuuki, naubusan ako ng salita. Hindi magprocess ang utak ko.

I know to myself that I love him okay? But as I've said before.. I don't want to acknowledge this love.. Especially if it's Yuuki. He loved Youjin for so many fucking years and even still loved him three years after his death.. We barely know each other for more than a month and he says he like me? I don't want to think of things so complicated but then.. I think he was just confused. Maybe what he felt was like for a friend and a brother and was just intensified by the feeling of gratitude he held towards me.. But liking me as a man, while loving a man whom I can't even challenge into a fight... It's impossible.

"Ryou!! Open this fucking door before I even consider destroying it!" Malakas na sigaw ng tao sa labas ng pinto ko.
Kanina pa may kumakatok pero ayokong pagbuksan and hola.. Unfortunately, it was my dear brother..

Tumayo ako at naglakad palapit sa pinto bago pa niya maisipang sirain talaga.
Nakakatakot yan pag galit eh, tinototoo ang sinasabi.
Pinihit ko ang pinto at hinila papasok para lumawak ang awang nito.
Pumasok naman agad si kuya at malakas na isinara ang pinto.
Tumalikod ako at maglalakad na sana palayo nung hinigit niya ang kamay ko at pinihit paharap sa kanya.

"Are you okay?" He asked. He looked at me from head to toe. When he made sure I wasn't bleeding anywhere, he huffed a relieved breath.

"What do you want" walang gana kong sabi at naglakad papunta sa sala kung saan ako umupo at binuksan at tv.

"What happened between you and that Yuuki guy after you run away from him?" He asked.

"Nothing." I answered.

"Aren't you too harsh? You went running away without answering him properly and called his confession a "joke"." He said.

"He knew why.. I don't have to explain. And please, if you just came here to talk about it, then leave" sabi ko.

Narinig ko siyang bumuntong hininga at umupo sa harap ko where he covered the television from my line of sight.
He faced me properly and took away the remote from my grip as he placed it behind him.
"Ryou..why can't you accept his love?" Sabi niya

"Who knows.. I'm just like mom.. Not just my face, even my personality and my everything is perfectly similar to her.. Aside from getting hurt.. I'm also scared of hurting others. You see? I have trust issues.. I don't even trust myself.. How the heck am I going to trust other people I barely knew after a fucking few months, who was deeply, hopelessly inlove with his dead lover?" I said.

He sighed for the second time.
"What happened in the past doesn't define your future. Only the current you can make the decisions. Nothing will change if you stop moving due to your fear of what happened before. The most important thing is to live in the moment without regret isn't it?" He said.

"It's not that simple! I grew up without trusting anybody aside from you! I grew scared and feared the feeling of kindness and love from others because of the fear that they're just saying that but in the end, they are all the same! That they are all going to leave me in the end! Leave me hanging and then what?! I don't want to feel so hopeless and insanely hurt just because I let others enter my life.." Sagot ko at itinaas ang paa ko sa sofa at niyakap yun, my knees touching my chest and my forehead buried between them.

Lumipat ang kuya ko sa tabi ko. Umupo sa doon at pilit iniangat ang ulo ko at isinandal sa dibdib niya. Niyakap niya ako at dahan dahang hinahaplos ang buhok ko.
"Ryou.. Look, Its foolish to be alone just because you're afraid of getting hurt. I do understand how scary it is to be deeply influenced by someone, but once you take a step forward, you'll see that it's surprisingly not a big deal. That you don't have to be scared at all, and it feels way better than you have imagined.
You're worried about your own shortcomings but wouldn't it be better to be more aware of how much everyone cherishes you? Why don't you Accept someone's kindness gracefully, and know that it's fine to return it." Sabi pa niya.

Hindi ako kumibo at hinayaan lang siyang yakapin ako.
Hindi sa takot lang talaga akong masaktan. Siyempre lahat naman ng tao takot masaktan.
Pero kay Yuuki, ayaw kong magkamali.. Ayokong gumawa ng desisyon sa pagitan namin na masyadong malaki ang porsiyento na hindi mag work out, na baka kahit pagiging magkaibigan lang ay hindi na kami komportable.

There's no relationship that can work out from love alone. Trust is a very good foundation in a relationship.. If I can't trust him, or tell him anything that bothers me that worries me, it will take a short time before we crumble down, irreparable..
My fear of getting hurt is strong enough for me to reject him. But my fear that I'd hurt him is stronger that it's enough for me to avoid him all through out the school year.

I don't want to risk and take chances when I don't have the slightest will to trust myself. I don't want tk regret anything.. But I'm scared that If I do make a decision now.. I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
Having someone love you is great.. It is.. Very.. But the responsibility attached to that word makes some people hesitant to accept it.

When I opened my eyes, I looked around and realized that I was in my room.
It was already dusk so I sat up and went out.
I found my brother in the kitchen cooking some food, probably for dinner.

"You shouldn't have bothered.. We can eat somewhere" sabi ko.

Lumingon siya sa akin.
"Really? I just started preparing ingredients.. So it's not too late for me to stop. Should I stop? Where do you want to eat?" Sabi niya.

I slightly shook my head from his answer.. He obviously, just wanted to avoid cooking if possible.
"Wait for me here, I'll just change then We'll head out." Sabi ko nalang.

"Okay.." Sabi niya.

After changing ay sumakay kami agad sa kotse niya pero ako ang nagmaneho.
Medyo matagal tagal ang biyahe pero hindi naman siya nagtatanong kaya tahimik lang sa loob maliban sa musika.
Dinala ko siya sa isang seafood restaurant malapit sa dagat. Nasa top ng flat na malaking bato ang retaurant at glass lahat ng walls na napapalibutan ng dilaw na mga bumbilya kaya maganda ang tanawin sa labas.
Lalo na at bilog ang buwan ngayon.

"This place is perfect to relax." Sabi niya at naunang bumaba pagkapark ko.

Punasok na kami sa loob at umupo sa tabi ng glass na wall sabay kuha sa menu na inaabot ng waiter na nag usher sa amin.
"Are you going home in our village?" Tanung niya

"I don't know." Sagot ko at tumingin sa labas.
Matagal na mula nung umuwi siya.. Pero hindi pa niya gustong bumalik doon.. Hindi pa siya handa.

To be continued...