So, I'm crying.
This is A.
I'm so stressed.
My dad is making me stressed by talking about me going to college and focusing on school and shot. Which is important, but he's been doing this as long as I can remember. Literally.
I've kinda been able to deal with that but now, I'm in a relationship.
My whole family knows about it, knows about him, has met him, I've met his parents...it's stressful.
I've heard people saying that being in a relationship is tiring or stressful but I thought it was just like...if you guys don't belong together then that's how it is.
I've been in online relationships (do they even count as real relationships doh?) and there were no problems...except for them wanting a lot of nudes and then me being insecure and not sending them so they get mad at me and then.....
Okay so, this guy.
He's nice. He's funny. He's great. He's perfect.
Wait.
Okay...
Wait.
I'm all scrambled.
The thing that I'm trying to say is that my family is stressing me about being in a relationship. The whole "being in a relationship is tiring" thing was supposed to lead up to the "because of my family and other people expecting the relationship to last forever."
I
Fuck
I feel like I don't know how to feel love.
Fuck
But that's not true
Sometimes I do
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I'm iffy
I think I'm bipolar
Or have multiple personalities
I'm not even joking dawg
How I'm feeling right now: I'm stressed because I don't know how long this relationship is gonna last. My family thinks it's going to be until I die. It's been 2 months. I'm not even 18. All of my other siblings found 'the one' at my age so...they have high hopes. And I don't feel like I can like/love anyone right now. I know that long-term, my boyfriend would be amazing. He's very mature...money wise and he's realistic,
The thing is-is that he's too realistic. Or...idk. He's too...fuck.
He's too straightforward.
He's like "people make up heaven and hell because they're scared to admit that there is no afterlife. Once we're dead, we are dead. No afterlife. Just black."
Then he's real handsy.
I try to tell him but I try to not be mean about it.
Imma be honest.
I don't like him touching me. But I like touching him....this is getting weird. I'm sorry, maybe skip this part? But...
I just don't get any pleasure.
It either doesn't feel like anything or it hurts.
We haven't done...IT. Basically everything else though.
I'm just so....
Confused about my feelings rn.
I'm sick. Seasonal depression be hittin me hard.
He's such a good guy.
He's real nice and shit.
I like him whenever there are other people around. He talks normally. He makes jokes. He's cool.
But once we are alone it's just all touchy.
We've never just had a normal conversation in person.
AND THEN THERES THE OTHER THING THAT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF.
I. DONT. LIKE. HIM. BUYINF. ME. SHIT.
IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
YES, IM GRATEFUL FOR THE GIFTS HE GIVES ME BUT FUCK.
I FEEL SO BAD WHEN I GET THEM.
I was raised with hand-me-down everything. I'm the youngest child. I have been with my mom when we were bankrupt. We're still poor. Not like...poor-we don't have an apartment. But poor-we need to watch how much we spend this week or else we're gonna be in the negatives and we can't buy that much food. I'm not used to fucking...brand new clothes. I shop at goodwill and Salvation Army. I'm not used to a brand new fucking computer. The one that I threw away awhile ago was a Windows 7 computer from fucking like 2012 or some shit. I'm not used to anything brand new. I'm not used to anything above $20-$30.
You're buying me all this shit, that I may not use and/or will throw away in 5 years. And then we're out in public with so many goddamn people.
I'm starting to cry even more.
I don't know why but lately I've been so afraid of going out in public. So afraid of everyone judging me. Everyone staring at me. Everyone laughing at me. I'll step on something and fall. I'll make a weird noise by accident and everyone will laugh. I look disgusting, people are going to insult me. Men are going to rape/kidnap/murder me.
It could be because I've been in my room for a whole year, crying, after a giant breakdown.
I. Don't. Want. Him. To. Buy. Me. Stuff.
I mean, I do. I really want all that shit that he's getting me. And if he said, "if you don't want me to get it, then I won't." Then I feel like shit because I really do want it.
I can't win
My feelings are so
Ugh
I wanna say that I want to wait until I'm older. Until we both are older. But tbh, when someone says that, it doesn't happen. It's just ends. But I really want it to happen.
I don't know if I'm too stressed with the relationship or if I just want to be depressed and lonely again.
Which I know sounds fucking terrible.
Who wants to be lonely and depressed?
I don't know, some crazy fucking bitch.
I don't want to feel bad but it's a lot better than what I'm feeling right now.
I think that's it.
I probably didn't say things the way that I meant to say them.
I'm worried that someone is going to show my boyfriend this, and he's gonna confront me about it.
I hate confrontation.
If you do see this, which you probably will never see...you're perfect. It's me being bitchy. And please don't bring this up to me, I'm probably just going to breakdown. If you read all those things and think that you can fix whatever I said then just...fix it without telling me.
Well, imma go cry some more now.
I just want it to be clear that I'm 92% sure that I won't feel like this tomorrow or in a few days. It's just one of those nights.
~A
