Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) also known as Clinical Depression is one of the most common mental disabilities in this day in age. MDD affects people in many areas of their lives, causing sadness, lack of appetite and sleep, as well as hard times performing simple every day tasks. Healthline.com states "in 2015, nearly 7 percent of Americans over age 18 had an episode of MDD". - https://www.healthline.com/health/clinical-depression
With my experience living with MDD, I noticed that once I am aware of the episodes, I tend to oddly enough..feel less grounded than I did moments before I knew I was having an episode. This was my first of my many diagnoses. This is definitely the one that has impacted my life the most. I find myself having a hard time doing something as simple as lifting a finger to scroll through social media, or taking a sip of water. Even getting u to use the restroom some days. It may not be this severe for everyone, I envy those who have it less crazy than I. Its hard to remember we are all soldiers, battling the same battles..through different perspectives. Once I learned what MDD was, and how it impacted me.. I began to reach out to learn more about myself..and how I can start the road to healing. Living with MDD for so long already, I had began to get used to how I hurt and what I feel. But I still had questions. Why do I tear up my fingers and lips? Why is it so hard to breathe? An action so simple that I have been doing since I was born. Why in certain lights was it so hard?
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). So many people, of all ages are unaware they may even have this disorder. Anxiety is a common feeling, but being completely crippled by it is a whole new level of twists and turns. GAD causes exaggerated anxiety and worry, with no obvious or logical reasons for it. This disorder normally presents itself as a "constant". My personal term for an always lingering feeling or emotion. Generalized anxiety is something that I have lived with, but this has affected many people that I hold dear to me. Constant panic attacks, the tearing at my fingers. I realized I hated it more when I met others who struggled as well. Seeing how this as well as MDD affected people I love, made me even more conscious of what it is to struggle.
These were the two that became the stepping stones to being self aware enough to really start to heal. These disabilities have evolved so much since my diagnosis. I have learned that anxiety is fear based. That its based on imagination and irrational thinking in most instances. I realized that my depression is a reminder that I'm not numb, and that I am still capable of working through the hard shit. Do I remember these things every day? Every moment? No, of course not. I, like everyone need outside words and support. I too need reassurance sometimes. That has been the difference between good days and bad days. Or good hours and bad hours. That reassurance can come from people, music, art, nature. I found that it is just important to find those little reminders. Sometimes the hit you unexpectedly when you aren't looking for them. Sometimes those reminders are the best.
The word "Diagnosis" I have found, can be intimidating. Sitting with the psych, hearing that your diagnosis is -blah blah blah- I was heart wrenched when I heard there was anything wrong with me. But at the same time it all made sense. Below is a writing prompt that I had written in my journal this past year. An expression of how I felt.
"I wanted to be part of the group for so long. I tried everything to make friends, make my family proud. All because I began to notice that, notice my own weaknesses.. the world around me was starting to catch onto what was going on. I thought if I hid it all inside my head and wore a mask, i could get myself through when I was finally alone. Truth be told, even when I was alone...I never was alone. I was accompanied by my fears, my insecurities, my questions, evn little random thoughts. What astronauts ate for breakfast that day. I was surrounded by brain fog so thick, I almost felt I was blind. my eyes and brain being separate working meant nothing at this point. It was always as real as seeing thick forest fog with my own two eyes. Disoriented. Now it all is starting to make sense." -Jaden Elizabeth, 2019
I am starting to know I am braver than my anxiety makes me out to be. I am stringer than my depression tells me I am. The same goes for my readers. Even if it isn't you..and its someone you love. Humans as a species are so complicated and yet so simple at the same time. We need to be reminded of our individuality. our disabilities and imperfections are a fucked up way of reminding us..but it is a reminder none the less. congrats on staying with me through this second chapter.
*Healthline.com is to be credited for the information of study on MDD. Link here: https://www.healthline.com/health/clinical-depression *
*Artwork displayed is by Shawn Coss, an illustration on MDD. All rights to the art go to him!*
YOU ARE READING
Everything and Nothing
Non-FictionThis novel is about my journey living with multiple mental disabilities. This book is filled with personal stories, poetry, Hypothesis and breakdowns, Mental history, as well as pages and pages worth of coping mechanisms and forms of self help. I wr...
