contradictory

twenty nine

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millie's heart stopped. she expected a cry. a loud, shrilling cry. she needed to hear it.

"i-is my baby okay?" her question was demanding and timid all at once, and as she felt winona's hand squeeze hers, millie knew.

"millie, dear, give us a moment," the doctor said.

"n-no my baby! t-tell me they're okay!" she cried. all she received in response was commotion between the doctor and nurses ordering for an operating room.

"what's going on? tell my daughter what's happening," winona demanded with authority.

a nurse broke free from the bustle around the newborn and had sad eyes. "miss, your son seems unable to breathe on his own. we need to take him to run tests and scans."

millie's bones seemed to bend more than she could bear. she caught a glimpse of her angel as they wheeled him out in an incubator and felt the numbness takeover her body.

"we will update you every chance we get about his circumstance, millie," the doctor called out.

millie's mind was void. there was not a single thought swirling around as she worried. winona needed to help, she needed to assure her. but how could she? they weren't given much by the doctor to feel secure.

"sweetheart, you have a little boy. a beautiful baby boy." it sounded pathetic to hear, but millie needed something, anything to distract her void thoughts. "millie, he's going to be okay. they'll take care of him."

she never got to hold him. in fact, it was hours before she could see him. and when she finally did, her heart shattered.

there her angel with tubes attached and shielded from his mother's longing touch. the doctors did everything they could have for a moment. now it was all on time, that god awful thing that left a ticking in her head. but millie would listen to the ticking for as long as she needed if that still meant her angel would be okay.

grace had remembered the letter that maddie told her to give to millie, and she dug it out of her pocket feeling guilty it had gotten slightly folded. millie almost didn't want to read it, but as she sat next to her son who was struggling to even breathe, she realized she needed something to ease her bending bones.

she opened the envelope and with a shaky breath, began to read it out loud to her sweet, innocent baby with his eyes wide open staring at his mother.

dear millie,

at this very moment i'm sitting in this meadow of wildflowers here in iceland. i had to make myself time to have a day spent here. i miss our meadow. this one's nice , but you're not here to meet me. i found myself searching for you in the landscape and was disappointed i wouldn't be able to sketch your face.

god, when you first learned of my slight obsession with drawing you, i wanted to hide in an untouched corner of the earth and never show my face again. i thought you were going to hate me and run as far away as fast as you could," millie chuckled in the most breathy way before continuing.

but we were great. you always were, always will be. i don't know where i'm off to next, but i know it'll be spectacular. i've sold all of my art, millie. everything i've painted , someone has wanted. all of the landscapes, and the architecture, all gone.

i miss you, sunshine. you're always on my mind, even on cloudy days.

one day, sunshine,