"Straight"

we take strange things to feel normal

Things settled down for a few days after the incident with those boys, or at least that's what I thought. That was before the death threats started being put in my locker at school. Now I receive at least one of them every day. 

I haven't told Phil though. How could I?

I stare at the messily written note in my hand, the fourth one this week. They all mostly say the same things, telling me the awful things about myself and how I should die and stuff. These stupid idiots don't realize that these things already go through my head on a daily basis. All they're doing is feeding my self hatred. 

Mr. Way, or Gerard, or whatever, has been as diligent as ever to watch out for any kids who might wanna make fun of me in the halls or say something rude to me in class. He won't take anyone's shit. That's what makes me admire him so much. 

I haven't told him about the threats either. 

Stuffing the crumpled piece of paper into my pocket, I meet up with Phil and we walk home together holding hands. As we walk into his house, he gives me a quick reminder to take my pills. I sigh and reluctantly open the drug cabinet.  

I swallow the two antidepressants and think about how they're supposed to make me feel less sad. It's funny how they kind of do the opposite. The pills are just another temptation that I have to hold back on. I've tried overdosing before, but I survived and just got really sick. It sucked. 

"My mum said that she'd be home late tonight. She's dropping dad off at the airport because he's going on a business trip. That means we have the house all to ourselves," Phil says while smiling brightly. I return the gesture and sit down on the sofa, exhausted from school.

We end up watching anime for a while and cuddling before Phil falls asleep on my shoulder. I kiss his forehead and wonder how I got such an amazing boyfriend. 

If he knew all the things you've done, he'd never love you.

I shake my head, as if denying the voices in my head. 

He'll find out one day and leave you. They always leave. You don't deserve anyone.

"Shut up," I mutter to myself. I can't let the voices get the best of me right now.

You don't deserve any love. You're a mistake. Just kill yourself already. 

"Shut up!"

Phil stirs and opens his eyes a tiny bit. 

"Dan? Who are you talking to? Are you okay?" he murmurs sleepily.

 I take a deep breath before replying.

"Yeah, I-I'm fine. Let's go t-to bed, okay?"

He nods, but still looks at me suspiciously as we make our way upstairs and climb into his bed. 

"Goodnight, Danny. I love you."

"I love you too, Ph-Phil."

It doesn't take long for him to be snoring softly next to me. I pull out the crumpled piece of paper from my pocket and read over the threat again in the dim moonlight shining through the window. 

They're right. You should just end it. No one likes you, and pretty soon, Phil won't like you. You'll be all alone, just like before. 

No, no, no. I'm not going to listen to the voices. Not today. 

Your very own parents couldn't even love you. 

Shut up. I'm not doing this right now. I'm going to sleep. 

You can't escape us. We'll always be here.

I close my eyes tightly and cuddle up to Phil's warm body, trying to comfort myself. 

It's going to be okay. I'm fine. The voices can't hurt me. 

Oh how wrong I am.