my diary

something i wrote at one a.m.

do you ever sit there and you're crying and shaking and no sound is coming out and everyone thinks you're perfectly fine. but you're not. you're not fine at all. you are so alone and so many people are around you but you just can't feel them. everything is just so over. you're so broken that you can't even tell that you were ever whole. and you can't see anything the way that you used to. and all you can think about is why you can't be happy. and you just cry because there's nothing else you can do. and it's not fair. because you see everyone else with smiles on their faces and laughs coming out of their mouths and you're just wondering why you can't have that. it's not fair. because there is no reason that you should have to go through this pain. but you are. and you're hurting so bad. and you just want it to be over. and the worst part is that no matter how much you reach out it still seems like no one can even hear you. and they never see how much you cry yourself to sleep at night. and they never see how you can't even go a single day without having a mental breakdown. and they always believe the fake smiles on your face because you're not the type of person that would be suicidal. AND ITS NOT FAIR. nothing is ever fair for you. because life shouldn't be this hard. waking up shouldn't be this hard. being happy shouldn't be this hard. feeling alone shouldn't be this easy. feeling worthless shouldn't be this easy. feeling. nothing. shouldn't. be. this. easy. nothing should ever make you feel like this. how are you even alive anymore. and why aren't you happy. what is so wrong with me that i can't be happy. why. this isn't fair. why. no one ever stays. no one ever makes sure that you're okay. and no one ever asks if you're fine. and you're not fine. and you'll never be fine. and you can't help but apologize because you still feel like it's all your fault. you blame all your worthlessness on yourself. and that's not okay. because it's not your fault. none of this is your fault. but you still just sit there. and cry until you can't cry anymore. and then you just sit there. with a blank look on your face. and you just can't handle it. and you think that life would be so much easier if you actually weren't here. but you know you can't just leave like that. but you know that you really want to. and you hate it. you hate everything. you hate yourself. and you hate that you're existing. and you just need it to stop. you need everything to stop. and yet, you just sit there and you're crying and shaking and no sound is coming out and everyone thinks you're perfectly fine.