H E R...

Chapter 7: 𝐹𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝐻𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈

     Dr. Swazeck left me with my mother after checking her vitals one more time reassuring me that this would be a peaceful journey for her. I stood frozen, not really knowing what to do or say. For years I took for granted the time I would have with my mother. This is something I never prepared for nor thought would happen. I decided to sit in the chair opposite of her bed. I couldn't muster up enough courage to look at her yet. I don't know if it was shame, hurt, or fear. I just couldn't face her or the truth in this very moment.

After about fifteen minutes of sitting in complete silence with nothing but the machine sounds of my mom's life hanging in the balance, I decided the best thing I can do is just be close to her. I got up and slowly walked over to her bed and had to force myself to hold back the tears that coated my eyes. I didn't even recognize her fully but it was her. I took that moment to take in my mom's true beauty. Even though she was not her usually color or weight, she was so beautiful and the look of peace on her made me calmer.

"Hi mom." I couldn't stop the lone tear that fell from my eye.

"You look so peaceful. I want to say that I am sorry. I want you to know that I am not mad at you nor should you feel guilty. I am the one that should feel that way. I've sat and thought about all the moments that we had and I can say I profoundly regret what I see. I spent so much time angry and waiting for the day I can get away from everything.... even you."

That last statement broke me. It all made sense to me now. Her pressing me to stay in Atlanta and attend Spelman. She wanted me close. She wanted to spend time with me because she knew this day would come. She's hinted at things about her health and I never cared to engage or even care to ask. I was a horrible daughter.

"Mom, I'm so sorry." I said now completely losing my ability to fight the feeling I had.

I could not help but to cry. I was losing the only person I had now realizing I will have nobody. My mom tried to mend our relationship but I was never open to it. I held on to a grudge and it made me bitter and now I will never have the chance to mend our relationship.

I knew what I had to do and for the first time in years, I knew I could finally say those words.

"I forgive you. I know I've been distant, I know I've made you feel horrible all these years. I know I was never receptive of your apology....... I forgive you mom and I love you more than anything in this world. I pray you can pass over in peace with yourself and us. Please don't leave me feeling as though I don't love you. I'm so so sorry."

I couldn't complete any thoughts I had in this moment. I could not fully express how sorry I was. Part of me didn't know whether she forgave me or not. She could not respond, she was not awake. She laid there waiting on me to give the ok to let her go.

I cried for about an hour. I even managed to get in the bed with her and just lay with her. I was not ready to let my mom go but I knew it was too late for me to hold on. I should have done that years ago. I felt as though God was punishing me. One of the greatest commandment's is forgiveness. I failed at that and this is my punishment.

I blamed myself for everything. Thinking about how my mom suffered alone and spent nights in this place while I was at school happy to be away from here. Never knowing how much she needed me. But knowing how much I never cared if she did haunts me.

I did this to myself.

At that moment Dr. Swazeck came back in to check on me and ask the tough question.

"Are you ready Ms. Brown?"

I could not say the words I know I needed to say. Mom already had it planned out if this ever happened. She told them that once this day comes keep her alive long enough for me to see her one last time and only then can I give the go ahead once I was ready.

Even though I didn't deserve this, she made sure I would be able to at least say goodbye. At that moment I loved her more. I knew she would never want to stay in this state, so for the first time, I was not choosing to be selfish on this day.

"I'm ready. I've said goodbye and I just want her to be at peace and happy." I said honestly.

This was the hardest thing I'm sure I would ever have to do. But I wanted nothing more than for her to be at peace. Peace with everything.

"She will be, especially since she knows you were with her." Dr. Swazeck ensured me.

After about six minutes, a team of nurses came in to slowly one by one release my mother from the machines that were living for her. I watched and almost instantaneously heard my heart break more and more as they removed them. In that moment I could only think of the best things about my mom. How I would never hear her laugh again, never see her smile again, never witness her ridiculous attempt to stay trendy. Man, how could I not appreciate her for all of the wonderful things about her. I hate I let pain and hurt cloud my eyes for so long.

I held on to my mother's hand for what felt like forever trying to make up for the time I didn't. Only twelve hours ago I landed in Georgia. Now here we were at 6:43am they were pronouncing my mother dead.

I kissed my mother goodbye for the last time and I felt the last piece of my heart break.