H E R...

Chapter 8: 𝒜𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑒...

"I'm sorry for your loss

"My condolences"

"Your mother was an amazing woman"

"If there's anything I can do, you let me know"

I can hear the sorry's and sense the pity at my mother's wake, but I couldn't feel anything. I was not present. She had been gone for a week now. Everyday I felt I was waking up into the same nightmare, not really in touch with reality yet.

I don't know how I was able to manage the funeral services. Or even get through the funeral and repast at all. I guess I could thank my mom's coworkers from the hospital. Since that day in the hospital, I have not cried. I can't explain it but I may have been in shock all week.

Both Shyann and Paris came to be by my side during the funeral. I appreciated them both. It was the first time they got to meet. I hated the circumstance. I wanted them to meet in a more happier setting. Having both my best friends with me meant the most. Shyann had to go back home today and Paris had to fly out for a work trip to London. They both felt really bad about leaving me alone but I reassured them that I would be fine. I didn't want life to stop for them because mine was falling apart. Besides, talking about my feelings is something that proves difficult to do right now.

"Thank you for coming again." I muttered out the only words I could form.

"It's no problem, and again call sweetie. If you need to."

My mother's friend from her job hugged me tightly one last time before leaving.

I closed the front door behind them and stood there for the first time in complete silence. I didn't realize how harming silence could be. Without even acknowledging my feelings I broke down and cried for what seemed like hours. It's almost as if I cried out a week's worth of tears.

After sitting in the doorway crying into my lap, I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I needed to wash the pain away, the clothes I wore held a grief I could not explain. I needed to be free of everything.

After showering, I put on a long black t-shirt and some shorts. Walking past my mother's room was the hardest thing I had to do. I contemplated sleeping in her bed but I knew it would only cause me pain. Instead I settled for the downstairs couch. I rarely used it so I wouldn't be plagued by memories of my mom.

After grabbing some water from the fridge, I went over to the couch sat down and turned on an episode of "Girlfriends". Something about watching this show helped me stay calm. I would image myself as an attorney like Joan and let my imagination take me away. It always worked.

The very next day I woke up with the sun shinning brightly through the windows. For the first time I woke up and was not greeted with sadness. I figured it was because the hardest part was over. Preparing to say goodbye to my mother's physical form was just as hard as saying goodbye to her in that hospital. Now all I had to do was grieve. But even that was showing difficulty to do. I knew if I let grief take over me, I'll be stuck in an unhealthy place. With an entire year of school left in front of me, I needed to be focused. I was determined to see Harvard all the way through. I had even more motivation to do so. But could I make it through?

Tired from the many things plaguing my mind, I decided I should finally try to eat something. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I headed to the kitchen.

Going into the kitchen made my stomach drop, but I was surely expecting all of the things I would be feeling being home. Every room here held some kind of memory of my mom. Even if it was small.