Blue Sky // Josh Kiszka

Love the one you're with

"And then the next morning, he didn't remember anything," I finish the story, sounding a bit desperate.

"Oh my God," Ashley breathes from her place across from me, sitting on my bed. "Oh my God," she repeats, louder this time, a laugh coming out of her mouth.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Sky, I can't believe you're freaking out because of this. This is perfect!" Ashley's eyes sparkle with excitement.

"Perfect?" I ask in disbelief. "How can this be perfect? He is my best friend."

"Hey, stop right there," she says, pointing her finger at me. "I'm your best friend. Josh is an amazing guy, who makes you happy and who happens to be in love with you. And if you weren't such a fool, you would be with him already."

I wait for her to laugh, but her eyes tell me she's dead serious. "What about Jake?" I whisper.

"What about him?" She almost yells, making me lean back onto the headboard. "Sky, Jake is a fucking jerk. He doesn't want you, he just likes to know he has you, because it's good for his ego."

Her words feel like a knife twisting inside my chest. I want to think it hurts because she's my friend and she's being mean, but the truth is it hurts because she's right.

"Look," she begins, softening her voice and moving to sit next to me. "Jake is with your sister, it doesn't matter how many times he kissed your neck, if he wanted to be with you, he would." Her right hand comes to rest on my thigh, her thumb drawing circles on the skin, trying to comfort me.

"Josh is amazing and he's so good to you. You shine when you're near him and the way you two act? That's not a friends thing. You know what I think? You already like him."

"What do you mean?" I ask, looking into her eyes.

"You know that Arctic Monkeys song you like? 'Too busy being yours-'"

"'To fall for somebody new'," I finish.

"Well, I think you already have, you're just too busy to realize. And that's Jake's fault, because he keeps messing with your head."

I don't answer, because I don't know what to say. How can you be in love with someone and not realize it? It doesn't make any sense. If I felt something like that for Josh I would be with him, I mean, I'm not stupid. If I liked him back I wouldn't be freaking out. Right?

I change the subject after this, but I can't stop thinking about what she said. Even though I think it's ridiculous to assume I'm in love with Josh without acknowledging it, I don't think she's all wrong.

Jake is indeed messing with my head and, yes, his actions might be stopping me from moving on. Josh is amazing and being with him doesn't sound like a terrible idea, but what if everything goes wrong and I lose one of the most important person in my life?

-

Ashley goes to New York to spend the summer with her grandmother like she does every year, leaving me alone with her words, which play in my head every time I see Josh. I go to his house every day, just like I did last summer, helping him with the films and watching the rehearsals. I try to avoid Jake when I'm there. I never sit next to him, I never allow us to be alone in the same room and I do my best to keep my eyes from meeting his.

I wanted to avoid Josh a little bit as well, to maybe help him get over me or something, but I end up doing the exact opposite. I never knew what was like to be desired, but after drunk Josh told me how he felt, I learned it's a pretty good feeling.

It feels kind of wrong, but I crave for his touch now. Whenever he embraces me and his heart beats hard and fast and I know I'm the one doing it, it just makes me want more.