11:11 (a larry fanfiction)

Chapter 41

Chapter 41

“What do you mean Harry’s dead? This isn’t funny Louis, where is he and what happened?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” I was now yelling, terrified of my own voice. “He’s upstairs, I want to take those pills and die with him.”

“Where is daddy?” Nicole asked with her innocent eyes.

“He’s sleeping honey.” My voice was cracking. I didn’t want to cry in front of my daughter and show weakness.

I didn’t know what to do. My mind wasn’t accepting this. I was having a mental break down.

Before I knew it my hand was bleeding after I had punched the wall instinctively.

“Louis calm the fuck down and let’s call the other boys!”

“Do what you want.”

I was running as fast as I could and I was out of the house in fresh air. I started breathing but I couldn’t take it. It was too much to take in. My fingernails were scratching through my skin deep and fast. Harry was gone. I hadn’t appreciated him when it was time.

What was I gonna say tomorrow at the funeral? So much was building up in only one day. In only one hour. So many unsaid words, so many unfinished plans, so many regrets. Nothing could be changed now. It was killing me. I didn’t need pills to die, the loneliness, the depression was killing me.

My heart was aching. I didn’t want to go home and see Harry on our bed, dead, breathless, so beautiful, so pale, so young and all because of me. I couldn’t bear the thought.

I woke up and there was a suit on the chair. It would be harder to get up in the morning when you were rudely shocked into consciousness by the alarm. Zayn had put it there knowing I’d be a mess all alone. Slowly slipping on my suit and tying my tie. The first time I had noticed a picture frame on the table on Harry’s side of the bed. It was me and him. Tears were coming and I had to stop them.

So many stuff left un-said and nothing hurt more than stuff un-said. I should’ve cherished him when I had the chance. It was so fucking late and I know I had been telling myself this all day and night but it was the ugly truth.

I was walking down the street, towards the cemetery, finding myself searching for familiar faces as I walked the high street. The first time I had seen Anne wandering past the gravestones, looking as aimless as I felt, I had fought the urge to go and give her a hug.

I walked right past the other boys. They didn’t deserve it. I had nobody, they were the only ones I had left and I was pushing them away too.

It was a small funeral. Family members, close friends and of course two or three paps. It was depressing, more than I had expected. Everyone was in black, everyone was crying, everyone was comforting me whilst I wanted to tell them all to fuck off because they knew nothing about Harry or me. Everything was blowing up, I was trying hard to look calm and chill and I was doing it right. Up until they started reading their speeches, that’s where I lost it. It wasn’t crying. It was sobbing. It was worse than anyone could imagine.

A warm and soft hand was placed on my shoulder, when I turned to see Anne.

“He loved you Louis. He really did.” She was crying and she pulled me and hugged me, just like she used to hug Harry.

“Louis would you like to say a few words?”

I took a look at Anne and she shook her head, telling me to go up there while handing me a rose.

“Me and Harry were close, very close and he meant a lot to me. We all saw him as a cheery boy all funny and cheeky but he was hurt, I don’t know who did that to him. All of his happiness was fake. He was hiding his true self. His true self which only I knew. And now you all know too. He was the type of person to make everyone feel better because he knew what it was like to feel shitty. The boy with the biggest heart I knew. Nobody could every replace him. Ever. Everything reminds me of him. The sound of the water to the children playing in the park. It’s been almost 24 hours, I don’t know how longer I’ll be able to do this without him by my side. Harry Styles,” I said looking at the coffin. “You will always be in my heart.”

Tears were falling from my eyes, I didn’t want people to see me in this condition so I ran back to my car and started crying in there. Playing with Anne’s rose in my hand. Harry was a rose because he was beautiful and dangerous, although I was never really fond of roses until he gave me one, but now I didn’t even like flowers because he wasn’t  the one I was getting them from.

~12 hours later~

I was going insane. I was so dizzy. Everything was a blur. It was 2am and I took seventeen shots of vodka just trying to forget his name but the only name I forgot was mine and sober or drunk he was the only thing on my mind.

My phone rang. Liam. We talked for about two hours.

“You’re just afraid that you will never love someone the way you loved Harry. It’s fear.”

“No Liam. Fear is that wicked language I start crying into the sheets when I realize that he was my sunshine and I was wearing an asteroid belt so I could suck in my stomach and be the boy I wanted him to fall in love with. When all is lost he is nothing and I have nothing. He’s gone do you understand that?! Do you understand!?” I said yelling and shut the phone shaking.

~3 weeks later~

“Louis, it has been three weeks since your band mate Harry Styles, died, we all know you were very close to him, how are you coping with his death?”

“Very badly. I miss him. So much. It’s my fault for everything.”

The audience started gasping, looking at each other, jaws were dropped, hands were over their mouths and the boys were looking at me too, shocked.

“This is surprising and a shock for everyone. What did you do?!”

“Kept him a secret.”