Sanditon revisited

12: In the spirit of forgiveness

Author's note: So, the small change in how Sidney thinks of Charlotte which I sneaked in in previous chapter, was that he stopped thinking of her as Miss Heywood. He still calls her that but thinks of her as Charlotte, as opposed to Mrs C who stays Mrs C in his mind even when he sees himself forced to call her Eliza.

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In which weather is sunny but minds are clouded

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He had deliberately stayed away from Charlotte for a few days after the return to Sanditon to try to sort out his thoughts but stayed in town as he felt obliged to keep an eye on Georgiana. When he finally ran into her at Mrs. Griffiths' school house he was so ridiculously happy to see her that he on impulse asked if she would mind if he waited for her downstairs. She looked astonished over the request and he found that he wished she was not. He wanted her to know how much he had come to enjoy her company, even if he did not necessarily wish for her to know he felt like a nervous school boy standing there waiting, hat in hand. Knowing he would bring Mrs. Campion to Sanditon shortly he did not feel at liberty to share those feelings with her, but as they walked down the main street side by side, he was more at ease than he had been since the evening of the ball. His shoulders relaxed, the muscles at the back of his neck magically loosened up and his jaw became less tight as he felt compelled to smile at her.

When she told him he was not nearly as unfeeling as he pretended to be, he took it as the compliment it was and was pleased to have managed to in some way show her he was not the insensitive man she had accused him of being. Jokingly he asked her to keep it to herself because he had a reputation to uphold, but truly enjoyed the feeling of sharing a secret with her. She understood him like no one else and he had come to appreciate that.

Simultaneously, there was a streak of desperation to his feelings during the short walk to Trafalgar house. There was so much he would have liked to talk to her about, but did not know how to say. He struggled with how to initiate the conversation given the relationship they had, or rather lack of such. They had no official ties and no feelings had been mentioned except his presumed lack thereof. To the world she was Tom's guest and he the brother, nothing more. He was not certain what they were to each other in her mind.

He wanted to explain to her and apologise for abandoning her at the ball, but she had not come there are his partner and they had made no promises except what he had imagined seeing in her eyes, so he would appear foolish if he attempted that conversation. He wanted to tell her, warn her, that Mrs. Campion was coming for the regatta, but again, if this meant nothing to Charlotte he would seem like a presumptuous fool. So Sidney mentioned nothing of this, just basked in the warmth of her smile for a while, relieved that her face was less stony than it had been on the way back from London and postponed thinking of the predicament he foresaw it would be to have the two women near each other, with Mrs. Campion expecting him to entertain her. He did not think Charlotte would demand anything from him, but that did not mean that he did not want to give it.

Too soon they reached the door of Trafalgar house. He was reluctant to leave her but had no valid reason to linger as he already had met with Tom earlier.

"Er, I am travelling back to London this afternoon."

"But you will return for the regatta?" His heart stirred when her expression turned anxious, but did she care about him for him, or only as a participant in the event?

"It is just a brief visit and I will return tomorrow evening, so I will be here for the regatta. I would not miss it for the world", he smiled down on her, but there was a sadness in that smile as he knew he would not return alone and would not be able to spend the day with her as he had liked to.