Quiet

Chapter Seventy: Thankful Him For

The darkness turned into this dull pink shade. It was really annoying. I heard everyone and I knew who everyone was who came into the room. The darkness though lasted days upon days. Dad had made many calls in my room holding my hand. Ryleigh held my other squeezing it ever so often hoping for my reflexes to work and squeeze it back. The doctors told mom and dad though the longer I was non-responsive, comatose state, the worse the odds of me waking up looking worse. Dad cried for what felt like hours and it literally made me feel like there was a brick being thrown at my chest with every wicked sob.

I thought I heard people come and pray over me but I knew that to be wrong because no one I knew was super religious maybe I was officially dead and I could come back to tell everyone there is such a thing.

On what seemed like the third day of complete and total darkness no soft pink. I heard Alex humming to a tune I knew so well. He was strumming along to the song missing you. I heard the shaky notes and it wasn't perfect but Alex was trying to keep it together. Jack came in and made jokes that made him laugh but it wasn't a real laugh. Dad snorted at some of them never leaving unless it was to let mom in. Dad stayed most of the time though. Rian came in and said he was leaving something. Knowing Rian it was probably a teddy bear. Zack came in and didn't say much but tapped something into the palm of my hand. I had to shuffle through my mind to make up what he was trying to tell me.

.. / -- .. ... ... / -.-- --- ..-

I miss you... Zack of all people who I stole from and pissed off a lot, well I pissed Rian off a lot too, missed me. He let go of my hand and it dangled on the other side of the bed. I then felt his hands move it to my side. Ryleigh would come back in and squeeze my hand trying to tell me it was okay. It was our way of communicating. I couldn't get my hands to move or my eyes to open. I wanted to breathe on my own.

I could hear all the machines their steady beeping and the compression of air from the ventilator. Beckett brought Kolbi in a few times. The small little girl would lay her head on my chest. I could feel her listening to my heart and try tapping it out on my chest as well but having trouble. Rian would be so happy with her attempting to keep a rhythm. Beckett never could stay long most days. He apologized over and over again.

The most violent assault on my brain making me think I was truly crazy came on day five. It was Alex. Brendon had left to get coffee. Rian was in the room with him. Mom was out getting something to eat while dad got coffee. They had gone together after mom and dad fighting.

"Logan, I know you're in there somewhere deep inside your own mind. I know you're in there. The girl who likes to pick dandelions and says the deepest things that come from the galaxies. The person I talked nonsense with at 2 am. The person we stopped touring for. Jesus if this has anything to do with Kolbi when you wake up I will slap you silly. I miss your hoarse voice and signs. I miss your smile and I think I speak for everyone when we say we miss you. You're missing out on the good times' kid. I know you want us to be happy but it's hard being happy in such a place of sadness. I want you to wake up on your own terms in your own time. Just please wake up and come back to us." Alex whispered in my ear.

I heard every word while I heard the song lullabies begin to play off someone's phone. I couldn't handle that in this state of black. I wanted to scream for it to stop but all that I could listen to is the heart monitor and ventilator.

It finally happened though. Dad came back in the room with mom. Alex and Rian were talking about letting Jack and Ryleigh come in or Ryleigh and Josh. They knew that Ryleigh wanted to come in but Josh had made the trip over. Tyler couldn't leave Jenna which was understandable. The heart monitor began to spike along with the O2 stats. Dad held my hand and pressed a nurse call button as the room went silent for a moment.

"That isn't supposed to happen, is it? Doesn't that mean she is... she is giving up?" Rian said in a shaky voice as Alex stood there completely silent.

The darkness consumed me again and I couldn't take the bitter silence. I screamed into his dark abyss so pissed off. I wanted to take it all back. I wish I never stole the pills from Zack's bag. I wished I never would have fought with Beckett. I wish I would have never taken that pill. I wish, I wish... I wish I could just wake up.

I felt dad's handhold mine closer as he pressed his lips to mine. Alex decided not to leave that night. A few other bands had come to tell dad that they were here for him and mom. I knew the voice-only have met them a few times. I knew them to be Pete and Patrick. Pete had Brough a pizza for Alex and Dad neither of them wanted to eat it. The smell of the pork and cheese was enough to make anyone's mouth water. I felt my salivary glands make my mouth water. But it wasn't really mine it was mine in the darkness. Alex played a few songs that night and it was all songs I had heard a few times. No words were said as dad took the guitar and began to play this is gospel.

I saw the dull pink light again in the middle of dad strumming on Alex's acoustic guitar. I didn't let the dull light leave me this time. I fought it and the heart monitor began to pick up my heart rate. It read out loud 180. I heard feet rush into the room and shine lights in my eyes as my eyelids dropped closed again. I had to force them to stay open as I blink violently as they kept shining light into my eyes. I knew they were checking my pupils. They then began to examine me and told me they were taking out the breathing tube.

"Okay Logan this is going to be pretty painful but I need you to cough for me." A doctor said and I nodded just wanting to breathe in my own air.

I coughed and kept coughing as someone went to get me a cup of water. Alex stood their giving me a sad smile. Dad stood beside me crying. I was drenched in sweat as he leaned down wrapping my head in a tight hug. I felt his tears now assault my skin as I leaned into his arms. He kissed my head so hard it was almost as holding me was a reassurance I was real.

"Welcome back Ms. Urie," A doctor said and I drank from my cup of water.

I gave a thumbs up and looked at Alex.

"T-Tobias said you were right," I said looking directly at him letting his eyes pierce into mine.

"About what?" He asked a little confused.

"I am the shit." I chuckled a breathless chuckle as dad even let out a laugh at that one as Alex came over to hug me.

"Well, whoever Tobias is I have a lot to thank him for," Alex said in my ear when dad finally let him hug me.

"Me too," I whispered back to Alex as we looked in each other's eyes.

It was at that moment I think we both knew there was more to our friendship than just creating music. There was this understanding of loss and wanting answers we would not receive but could create for ourselves.