To Zion

14

I seemed to be having a lot of those moments recently where I just looked in my mirror and tried to search my heart. What did I feel anyways? Because, sooner or later, I would need to find out, and act on it.

Did I even like Miller? I mean, I knew how affected I had been by their kiss, and there was definitely something about them that attracted me, but I couldn't say that I'd ever had feelings before. In fact, until they kissed me, I'd never thought of them in any way but friendly. I wanted to help them as much as I could, especially now, when they were dealing with so much. What would it even be like to be in a relationship with someone who was suicidal? As much as I wanted to help, ultimately, Miller needed to love themself before they loved me. Where they even ready for a relationship?

Was I?

I'd never even tried to be in a relationship before. I wasn't that old, but still, the thought had never really occurred to me. I guess, growing up with a story of my own broken family, and living with so many children with even worse stories, relationships didn't ever seem that exciting to me. From what I had seen, they didn't last very long.

And then, even if I did kind of like Miller, I knew I had some kind of feeling for Jason.

"Is it just because he's hot?" I asked my reflection in the mirror, hoping to find some answer there.

The sound of my text tone pulled my mind away from my predicament. It was Anne. I'd almost forgotten about my agreement to study with her. Her text asked if this was a good time to come over. I didn't know how to say no without offending, so I told her that it was. I sent the address, and took one last look in my mirror.

"I guess we will have to finish our heart-to-heart later tonight."

I was still a little wary about asking my guardians anything, but if someone was coming over, I probably should make sure they were ok with it. I made my way downstairs, looking around for Laura. I found her working at her desk in her study. I knew she was a writer, and spent any time she could find writing her book. I wasn't comfortable enough around her to ask her about it yet.

"Yes, Zion?" She smiled up at me, and I leaned against the doorframe, pulling at the sleeve of my sweater.

"One of my friends from school wanted to come over and study with me. Is that ok?"

"Oh...sure. I don't see why not." She smiled up at me again, and this time I managed a smile in return. She was really nice, she just wasn't the person i had grown fond of these last five years.

"How are you, Zion? Miguel told me he heard you...well, he thought he heard you crying last night." Miguel was the other foster child living with them. He was only six, and had the room across from me.

"Oh, I..." I looked around, anywhere but into her sympathetic blue eyes. "I had a nightmare last night. It's been a very long time since I had one, and I guess I was just, more affected since it's been so long." I finished by looking at my toes. Had I really cried loud enough for Miguel to hear?

"Zion, you can always talk to me or Dave. I know you were very close with Austin and Gloria, your last foster parents, and you can call them anytime."

"I'm really fine. It was just a bad dream." She didn't look convinced, but nodded. When I turned to leave, I could tell she was watching me.

I hadn't dreamed about my dad in a long time. Over four years now. I walked back up to my room, images from my dream coming back to my mind. Laying back on my bed, I closed my eyes, trying to remember something else besides the harsh sound of shattering glass, the screams, sirens...

There was a quiet knock on my door, and I sat up quickly, telling whoever it was that they could come in.

"Your mom said I could just walk up."

"She's not my mom."

Anne blinked, obviously uncomfortable, her books held tightly in her hands.

"Oh, I just assumed—"

"It's ok." I smiled. "This is my foster home."

"Oh I see. Well, I was thinking we could start with math? Unless you had another subject?"

We studied together for about half an hour, but I think Anne could tell I wasn't really paying attention. My mind was a total mess, and I couldn't concentrate.

"Anne, can I ask you something?"

She nodded, tucking her feet under her. I'd never asked anyone this, but I needed to start narrowing down suspects. I didn't care who it was at this point, I just needed to know.

"Anne, I've been getting these letters recently at school. I have no idea who they are from." I got up off the better, shuffling through the notes in the top drawer of my dresser until I found the first note I had received.

"Anne...you didn't write these, did you?"

I held the paper out to her, watching as her eyes scanned the words written there.

"Well, it looks as messy as my handwriting, and I think you're a really nice guy, but I definitely didn't write that."

I sighed in relief, flopping back into my bed with the paper held close to my chest.

"Well, you don't have to act so happy about it." She laughed, dark eyes sparkling as she looked down at me.

"Oh! I didn't mean it like that! It's just, there's already two people who like me, and I didn't want to—"

"Zion, I get it." Her hand rested on my shoulder for a brief second. "But I want to hear about all of this now. And you say two people like you?" She let out a low whistle, and I laughed, feeling my cheeks heating up like they had so often in recent days.

So, I started at the beginning. Told her about the first note I had gotten. I even showed her my list of suspect I had drawn up. She smiled when she saw her own name there, and made a big deal of crossing it off with one of my pens. It kind of felt good to see my list getting narrowed down, even if it was only by one person.

Then I found myself telling her about Jason, how flustered I felt around him, and how gorgeous he was. How I couldn't believe he was even talking to me. I hesitated before talking about Miller, but something about Anne just made me feel like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge. So, I told her about our kiss, about them confessing their feelings, and about my doubts.

"Well, if they both like you, and you like both of them...you should just get with them both."

I sat up quickly, turning to look at her with wide eyes.

"Jesus, Zion, I was just kidding. But seriously, polyamorous relationships are becoming more normalized. In fact, Bella Thorne—"

"Anne, that's not happening."

"Ah well, it was just a suggestion." She tucked her short, dark hair behind her ear, resting her cheek on her hand as she thought.

"I would ask Miller if they sent you these." She pointed to the letter in my hand.

"Really? I was hoping that they'd just...tell me if it was them."

"Maybe it just hasn't come up? Or maybe...do they know that Jason likes you?"

"Well, Jason was talking to me at the end of class yesterday, and Miller was there. They were acting kind of weird when I tried to talk to them after Jason left."

Anne was looking at me very closely, her head still tilted to the side.

"And you can't guess why?"

I racked my brain for a reason, but still couldn't understand what was wrong. "No." I answered unhelpfully, and Anne laughed.

"Zion, I think you need to figure this one out for yourself. And ask yourself which one of them you want more. Hopefully one of them is the secret admirer. That would simplify things, I think. Because then a third person won't be thrown into the mix."

"But what if I decide on one of them, and then the other one turns out to be the admirer? I don't know who it is, but...I know I feel something for whoever wrote these. It's like, like we have some sort of connection."

"Then I think you need to ask one or both of them right away."