To Zion

16

"Have I been..." His eyes met mine, full of confusion, and my heart sank. "What?"

He was so confused that he took a step back, giving me an odd look and staring at me with puzzled eyes. "What letters?"

"C'mon, Miller! I've seen through you, so there's no point in pretending you don't know what I'm talking about." I laughed, but Miller's face looked even more confused, and my one-sided mirth sounded hollow.

"Zion, I don't—"

"Just admit it." There was definitely a plea in my voice now. Stop messing with my emotions, I wanted to add.

"Zion, I'm not lying to you."

I met his eyes, but ignored the honesty there. Why else would he be telling me now that he liked me? Why else would he think that I liked him? Up to this point I hadn't known him well enough to even consider him as someone I liked. But if he was the secret admirer...

I couldn't explain my feelings for whoever this admirer was, but I knew I wasn't going to even consider anyone else until I found them. I was attached to them without even realizing it. Fascinated by their feelings for me. I couldn't help that I liked knowing they loved me. It was flattering in a way I'd never been flattered before. If they loved me, wasn't there a good chance I could eventually love them back? It was worth a try to me, and so I had to find whoever this was.

"If you didn't, then who did?" I muttered, more to myself than to Miller.

"What letters are you talking about, Zion?" He looked confused, and also a little concerned, his lips parted slightly, and his hand reaching out to touch my. I stepped back slightly, and tried to ignore the hurt that flashed briefly through his eyes.

"You know what? Never mind." I forced a laugh, that sounded fake even to me. Miller opened his mouth to answer, but I kept talking, my voice strained and unnatural.

"Don't we have some packing to do? Let's get it done so you can finally move in with some people who are going to care about you."

I started off again, making sure to stay a foot or two in front of Miller. I needed to collect my thoughts. I needed to figure out what I was going to say to Miller, and if I really liked him back for him, and not for the idea of him being my admirer.

"Zion...umm, this is my house." Miller's voice was hesitant, and I looked behind me to see him standing a few yards away, in front of the house I'd been in before.

"Right." I retraced my steps, and followed him into his house.

Neither of us spoke much while packed up his things. Miller pointed out a few things I could helped with, and thanked me when I did them, but besides that, he was very quite. I saw him watching me a few times while I packed. For once, I wished his mom was in the house, so we'd at least have a distraction from the tension.

I did a lot of thinking while we packed. And basically, it came to this. It wasn't fair for me to lead Miller on if he wasn't the secret admirer, and I wasn't interested. But was I interested? Yes? But not enough to forget this secret admirer business and try a relationship with Miller.

I coughed, and Miller looked up from the suitcase he was zipping up.

"Miller, I—" Imagining telling someone you aren't interested, and telling someone are two very different things. As soon as I met his eyes, I couldn't form the words. I pulled nervously at the hem of my t-shirt, feeling Miller's eyes watching my movement.

"Is this about earlier?" He sounded hurt and confused.

"Yeah..."

He had given me an opening, but I couldn't take it. I couldn't let him down. Maybe I could try to like him more?

"I figured there was something on your mind. You've been kinda distant."

There was an awkward pause. I felt his eyes on me, knew that I needed to tell him, but nothing in me wanted to hurt Miller.

"We can sit? Then maybe you can tell me what's on your mind." He gestured to his bed, and I nodded absentmindedly. I sat a few inches away from him, gathering my thoughts.

"It's just this. I've been getting these letters...love letters, I guess. From a secret admirer. And I just assumed they were from you. You didn't say you liked me until after I got a few, and so I just...I assumed..."

"I didn't write them. I'm sorry."

"It's just that I'd you didn't...if it's someone else's..." I tugged at the hem of my shirt again, not willing to meet his eyes.

"You don't like me, do you?" He tried to hide the break in his voice, but I heard it just the same. Never in my life had I felt like more of a jerk.

"The person in the letter just sounded like they liked me so much, and I feel like if attached to them somehow. I don't know how to explain it."

"I like you so much." Miller almost whispered, and I covered my face with my hands.

"I know, and I don't know why. And I'm so sorry. I just need to find who this person is before I...before I—"

"Waste your time on me. I get it." He stood up quickly, walking the few steps to his window and looking out. I couldn't see his face anymore, but I hoped it wasn't as hurt as his voice sounded.

"Miller, it's not like that. It's just that I don't even know what my feelings are right now, and I don't want to lead you on when I don't feel the same."

"Zion, I understand." He held up his hand for me to stop talking. His shoulders rose quickly, and I stood up from the bed, taking a step towards him.

"Can I just ask one thing?"

"Of course." I watched him gather his thoughts. Or maybe he was trying to gather up his feelings I had just destroyed. Even with his back to me I could tell he was close to tears, and that knowledge broke my heart.

"Do you like Jason? Is that why you can't like me?"

The question was so unexpected, that I struggled to find a good answer. I mean, I did like Jason, but that's not why I didn't like Miller in the same way that he liked me. And besides, this wasn't really the time to say that I found Jason hot and was extremely flattered when he flirted with me.

"I—well—"

"I thought so. When I saw him talking to you in class..." He left his sentence unfinished. I saw his hand clenched at his side.

"How the fuck did I think I had a chance?" He muttered angrily to himself.

"Miller, it's not like that. I think you're a really nice person, and you're good—"

"Zion, please stop. I understand your feelings, but I don't want your pity. I-I'll finish packing by myself, I'd you don't mind." His voice broke again, and I almost took a step nearer, but he didn't want me there. I had done enough.

"I'm sorry." I wanted to explain more, to make him feel better, but I didn't know what to say. Why did he even like me?

"You were just being honest before I got my hopes up. Don't be sorry."

"I know, but—"

"Zion, please leave." The quaver in his voice was more than apparent now, and I realized then that he was just holding himself together in front of me.

"Okay. I'm sorry." I added as I closed the door behind me.

I had just made it outside when I heard him crying. I hurried away as quickly as I could, hating myself more than I ever had before.

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