rockstar | c. baker

twenty three - the truth

amanda
—————

i honestly don't know how to feel.

i'm on the verge between extremely upset with myself and also completely relaxed.

which doesn't make sense because, well i just fucking cheated on the only guy who actually cared about me.

every time i feel like things are going good, and i'm happy to an extent, i self destruct.

it's like i can never let myself be happy.

i always have to stay on my toes and basically ruin any relationship i have.

—

"you're amazing."

"i'm not, you are."

rook and i have been residing in his bed for the past hour.

honestly it's been really calming in a way.

to not be worrying about what i have to do in the next hour, or who's house i'm staying at tonight, what i need to pack in my bag.

all the seriousness a relationship has isn't weighing me down.

the things i have to worry about with colson, i don't have to with rook.

well obviously because we aren't together, but it makes me feel like me again.

the single me, who didn't do relationships.

it's such a breathe of fresh air, not having to worry about what time i need to pick up colson from a studio, or where he has to be tonight.

it's a lot to handle.

especially when casie is involved.

don't get me wrong, i love that little girl to death, but it's hard being a parent figure. after all i'm still young.

maybe colson and i aren't meant to be together.

what am i thinking..

"i'm just trying to make pillow talk."
rook chuckled while playing with my fingers.

"pillow talk isn't my forte either. it's okay bub."
gently i ran my hand across his.

"bub? pet names already?"
teasing me playfully he kissed my cheek.

"okay, okay. no pet names..."

"it was cute."

"i shouldn't have called you that.."
i sighed sitting up.

"hey, look. i know you're..."
sitting up with me he starts.

"with colson? yeah. i'm a fucking bitch."

"don't say that. it takes two to tango. if he wants to blame someone he can blame me."

"no, i came onto you, i got in the shower with you!"
i shook my head at the thought.

what was i thinking?

"hey, i came onto you first. i kissed you twice, for fuck sake i tried to get you in bed many times before this."

"get me in bed..."

"that's not what i meant."

"it is, and it's fine. i shouldn't have come."

"if that's how you really feel.."

"it isn't."
replying i sighed with my face in my hands.

"he won't know. i promise."