Read It And Weep (Anthony Rizzo)

Twenty Nine~ Walking In A Shadow

Anthony

Chemotherapy is a horrible thing. But most of the time it's the only things that keeps some of us alive. In people like Manny's situation where his cancer was in a gland this is a important part of recovery. Even though they took out his thyroid, since it was in a gland there is a better chance that it can spread and comes back in another gland. So to try and prevent further issues they are giving him four rounds of chemo and then if they don't see his cells diving and growing then he will be free to return to his life. And if it's still there then we continue with therapy until they're gone.

Today is the second of his four treatments. It's been a little over a month since he had surgery and he's been doing pretty good. The first round of chemo was hard for him, the human body isn't meant to carry around that much medication and function normally. It makes your mouth dry and it's hard to swallow. You lose your appetite making you sick to your stomach. Then you throw up and then starts it all over again.

Luckily for Manny before this he was pretty healthy so his body wasn't completely taken out by the chemotherapy drugs. But there's nothing comfortable about this.

"I think I'm starting to lose my hair already" he sighs as he has a chunk in his hand. "I'm just going to shave it all at this point. I don't want to watch it go" he claims.

"I'll get my head shaved too. We'll do it together" I promise him.

"You don't have to do that" he laughs.

"I know, but I want to. I said we were going to do this together and I mean it" I assure him.

"And what are you going to say when people ask why you decided to shave your head" he wonders. No one really knew of this situation so me being completely bald would drag a lot of attention to me.

"That I wanted to feel the wind against my scalp" I tease.

"If that's what you want" he chuckles.

We sit through the next few hours and I just try to keep him from thinking about the drugs dripping into his body. We joke about things not so heavy and like always I have a good time. Manny was my best friend I had out here and I hate the circumstances that brought us together. But I love the time we spend together.

"So are you going back to school" I wonder.

He shrugs his shoulders as he lets out a sigh. "It depends on where I am at the end of chemo. I have my undergraduate degree and the next step is to go off to medical school next. Then once I do my oncology studies maybe I can work here at Luries, but there's still so much work left to do. I can do late start classes this semester or maybe do online courses. But I'm trying to get my PHD, I doubt I can shortcut that one" he claims.

"You want to work here" I question.

"Yeah! I always have. My grandparents didn't want me to. Said that's too much school and it wouldn't be worth it. My money and time would be better spent somewhere else I could focus on helping myself and not others.

But the money isn't what makes it worth it. Not even the time. Just being with the kids and seeing them smile... that's what makes it worth it" he explains.

"See, I always knew I liked you. And it's because you're a lot like me" I tease making him laugh.

"I think you would be great as a doctor here. Then I can mess with you all the time" I insist.

"If I ever make it out of here. It feels like I might never leave" he sighs.

I feel my heart drops because I know the feeling. Like there's no hope. No point. Like you can't keep going on. But the world needs people like him and I wasn't going to lose him.

"You will make it" I promise. "And when you do you'll show your grandparents why god kept you here. They'll see that you can't change the world, but you can change peoples world."

"I don't know. They think Hannah is this all powerful person, and in a lot of aspects they're right. But they constantly want me to be like her... I'll never be like her. Sometimes I feel like we're not even related because we're so different. She's so strong and aware of the world she's in. She can make things happen from pure will and all this power she has in her. Meanwhile I don't even know where I am in my life a lot of the times" he sighs.

"You shouldn't compare yourself to other people. Why try to compare their path to yours when you're not going to the same place" I ask him.

"My whole life my grandparents compared me to her. And it's not her fault, she always made sure that I knew she supported me in whatever I wanted to do. Hannah never wanted me to be like her but she did want me to have a good life and have the opportunity to do whatever I wanted with it. She tutored me and she drove me around until I could drive myself. She's been my biggest fan and my number one supporter since day one. When our parents left she promised me our life wouldn't be empty without them, and it wasn't.

She just has a big shadow she casts behind her everywhere she goes because she's larger than life. And in a way it's helped me because I have always had high standards and I had a lot of achievements in my life because I was trying to keep up with her.

But when you find out you have cancer those achievements doesn't mean as much anymore" he admits.

"It doesn't. And maybe you won't find anything that ever will. Cancer takes things we will never be able to get back. But you can't worry about being like your sister. You should be the best you you can be" I insist.

"If I want to be the best I can be then as much as I hate to admit it, I should be a lot like my sister" he chuckles.

"Yeah. She's pretty great" I admit.

"That she is. I just will never tell her that. She hears it all the time and that's half her problem. The other half is that her life revolves around our family and it's kind of a mess right now" he claims.

"It might not be looking good but you have a good family. Sure it's not perfect or complete, but your grandparents love you a lot even if they put a lot of pressure on you and your sister is willing to give up everything to make sure you're okay. And I'm here too" I smirk.

"Yeah. I guess it could be worse" he admits.

"That's the attitude" I laugh.