Read It And Weep (Anthony Rizzo)

Thirty One~ Only Place To Go Is Up

Anthony

Once we return from Milwaukee I try to reach out to Hannah a bunch of times but she ignores my calls and texts. Manny says she's been around their grandparents house but not all that much and when she was there she seemed down. She avoids me when I'm at her their place and I haven't seen her around Wrigley. I don't know if I did something wrong or if there was something wrong, but it kills me not knowing.

I pull up to her grandparents house and for the first time all week I see her car there. I know I'm here to help Manny but if I can help her with whatever she's going through I want to do that too. So I jump out my car hoping to catch her before she sneaks away and let myself in. I see her standing in the kitchen and I freeze.

Her head shoots over to me and her eyes grow big. She freezes like a deer in the headlights as she stares right though me. I can almost feel her eyes on me as I try to move out of her glance, but I couldn't go anywhere.

"Sweetie are you okay" her grandma asks her from the living room.

"Yeah. I'm just going to go outside for some fresh air" she claims.

She blows right past me and out the door. I follow her and find her waiting on the front porch for me. She doesn't even say hi or how are you, she just looks at me with those damn eyes. "Mind telling me what's going on" I question.

"Mind rephrasing that so I don't get even more upset" she counters.

"I just" I grunt as I throw my hands in the air, "I don't even know what is happening. You acted like we didn't share a moment and like what happens on that stage wasn't important to us. How am I supposed to fix this if I don't even know what is happening" I defend.

"I already told you I don't want fixing" she reminds me.

"I need to at least know what is going on between us. You won't talk to me, you can't look me in the eyes and tell me what you're feeling" I argue.

"Because that's not your business Anthony. It's not your job to know what I feel" she insists.

"But I care about you" I plead.

"And you shouldn't! I don't know what we are but we're not friends. What we share is more than a friendship and you know it. None of this stuff we're doing should be happening. I shouldn't feel like this, I shouldn't be having these thoughts that I have when I look at you. I need some space to focus on what I'm trying to do and who I need to be" she begs.

"And why couldn't you have just told me that" I question.

"Because you don't listen! I know if I told you I needed space you would find any excuse to see me. Make up every excuse to talk to me and pull me back in" she argues.

"I just want you to be happy! Is that so bad" I ask.

"I don't want my happiness to be dependent on you. I've done that before and I'm not letting my heart break like that again. Every time I leave my happiness in the hands of someone else I end up hurt. And that night on that stage when we almost kissed I almost forgot everything I worked so hard for. I wanted to give up so much to stay in that moment with you and I can't do that. I wanted to, but I can't.

I have to keep moving forward and I can't get side tracked. I can't just walk a different path with you and stop to smell the roses along the way. I need to stay focused and make sure I'm where I need to be" she explains.

"And I get that. I just want to be a part of it" I beg.

"And I don't want you to get caught up in my mess. Relationships aren't my things and I hate the thought of me messing things up with you. You're a great guy Anthony and any woman would be lucky to have you. I just... I can't do this" she claims.

"And what's that" I question.

"I don't know" she screams. "I'm trying to figure it out. I tried to step away from you so I can see straight but it's all so blurry. It's like a puzzle where all the pieces look the same but they still need to finds its place. But I don't know where they go, it looks right but I know it's not. It's a mess and I can't figure it out" she explains.

"Let me help" I try.

"You're the problem" she claims.

"Am I? Am I what's causing all of this" I ask her.

She just sighs as she runs her hand down her face. "I don't expect you to understand Anthony. I know you deserve a answer about whatever is happening and I'm sorry I can't give you one. I'm sorry I can't just tell you how I feel and we live happily ever after.

But this isn't about sports. It's not win or lose. It's both of those things and so much more. And I'm not good at this stuff, it's always been like that. I want more for you than my messes I make" she explains.

"And what if I don't want whatever you think is out there for me? What if I want you" I ask.

"I'm not available" she defends.

"I can wait" I say.

She just stares at me as she shakes her head. I see her eyes start to water and my heart breaks to see her like that. "You know what I've learned after I got off that stage that night?

I learned that I'm scared to lose you. I'm scared that what we can be is more than I ever imagined, but I'm more scared that I can't handle it. I'm scared that someone else in my life will walk out on me because they found something better or realized that I'm too much. I don't want you to get tired of me like everyone else does. I don't want to wait for you to come home after a game just to not be what you want to see.

You said you can wait, but for what? I'm not worth it" she claims.

"You are though" I argue. "You're not just number one in my book, you're the only one and I don't care what you think you know about my feelings for you. I know for a fact that you're a great person no matter what you think of yourself. And I'll wait forever to show you what I see in you" I say putting my foot down.

"I don't know what to tell you Anthony. I don't want to hurt you" she whispers.

"The only thing that would hurt me is the way you kept avoiding me" I argue.

She lets out a long sigh as she shakes her head. "Listen, I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you. I didn't like it much either. But I'm scared" she whispers.

"I'm here for you" I promise. "And I'm not leaving."

She runs over and wraps her arms around me. I hug her back as her face gets pressed into my chest. I close my eyes as I hold her tight. "I got you" I promise.

"I'm sorry" she says and I smile a little.

"Apologies dont work, remember" I tease like she did all those months ago.

"Yeah. Only actions do" she says.

"So what's our next move" I wonder.

"I don't know. Can't be much worst than my last one" she admits.

"Only place to go from here is up" I tease.