Deep Wells

HOPE IS A DANGEROUS THING FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE

I left not because I do not love you. Not because I no longer needed you. And not because I do not want to see you. I left, simply because I have to. I did not not have the choice. Nor have I ever had the capacity to make my own decision at the time.

And now that I am back, is it far too late for me to be with you again?

Perhaps.

But is it such a horrible thing for me to hope that I still want to see you - to be with you? Or to even think that at some point in your life you have missed me so dearly? But have you? Have you ever thought of me? Of all the thousand possibilities that could have happened if I were there with you? Have you ever admired me as much as I have adored you?

I will never know for sure.

You are too far away from me. I may have fantasised about you, to be with you but I know that it will never happen. You are after all, way beyond my reach. And you, out of all people, of course, deserved someone else who would be capable. And would be more than willing to fight for you. Be with you. And never leave you.

But have you ever dreamed of me even?

Because I have. Almost everyday, the moment I left and the very second I came back only to see you with someone else - my mind ran into wilderness of what ifs and could have beens. Have I stayed by your side, would I be so much happier? Have I never left you, would I never have to drown in this sorrow that is now rather consuming all that I have? Would I?

Every piece of me dreaded for your physical and spiritual presence yet I fail to reach you. And so, slowly, I disintegrated along with the memories of our past. I am left with nothing but bits and pieces of our moments together. Things we have shared. Happiness I once had. Love I have never felt from anyone else but you. Only you.

I can never let go.

And so I am left with nothing but to hold onto the distant memories of our past together. The times we have spent and wasted. For everything you have given me and for every piece of me that was fading from this melancholy that I carry, as I watch you and your new beloved together, I thought I have died. Multiple times.

Everyday I religiously grieve for the love I have lost. I mourn for you. And for myself , who, in the process have also ceased to exist. Because I know that the moment I have lost you, it also felt as if I lost myself too.

Forever, I will carry you in my heart no matter what. I will carry your name wherever you go, wherever I go - I will not leave you behind. Never again.

I promise.

I love you.

Yours faithfully,

Dawn

6/12/2019 Thank you for reading!

I wrote this quickly whilst I was at work this morning. There are just times that when my sensitivity kicks in, I cannot help but to write. Listening to Lana del Rey's reverb version of 'Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have' has also captivated me on so many levels that has eventually, forced me to write something like this.

I have always been fascinated when I read or work on something that has to do with stream of consciousness. I always thought that it flows more based on emotions, bits and pieces of memories and dreams that the writer/reader have been keeping in the deepest realms of their minds. And as I work on the process of my recovery (after what? Tons of doctor appointments every week) there are just some things that I have never really thought of before and now are beginning to come back to me. It's bizarre, I cannot fully explain it.

Anyway, hopefully I'd be able to work more on 'Irretrievable' or on short pieces like this one.

Thank you again