Don't Leave Me|| BTS

you hurt me so badly i stopped hurting at all & i think thats a bad sign

I want to be held like a child. I want to cry, sob, wail, and break things. And I want to be told that that's okay.

Cause I'm hurting.

And all I want is for it all to stop.

I've gotten used to waking up in a cold sweat every time I slept in my own bed. So lately I been falling asleep on the couch or in my studio.

I can't bare to be in the same bed he hurt me on, with the same sheets, the same pillows, and the same mattress.

I recently bought a weight blanket and a new pillow, just so I can sleep more comfortably when I'm not in a bed. But sometimes my feet get tangled and they're weighted down and I start to panic.  Something as simple as tangling my legs in a blanket. It makes me realize.

I'll never be the same.

"Ah fuck," I muttered as my body on reflex sprung forwards, I smacked myself in the head, punching my thighs angrily.

All I wanted was a full 8 hours of sleep. I couldn't even have that.

I picked up my phone to check the time, it read 5:45am. I kicked my blankets back and got up from the couch. The others know it's been hard for me to sleep in my own bed lately, but it seems that even sleeping in a completely different room didn't help.

I made my way to the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of red wine from the shelf then my pills from the countertop. I popped three in (my required amount) then washed it down with the wine. I checked for clean glasses but they were dirty. I took the whole bottle with me anyways. I sneaked into my bedroom to retrieve some new clothes, then headed to the bathroom. I stripped in front of the mirror and starred at myself for a while. I was so different now. When did my body start looking like this? When did it change?

I turned the water on and sat on the floor of the tub, taking the shower head down with me. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my body raw.

I never wanted to hurt myself so badly.

When the water turned cold I stayed still, feeling all my body parts tense up. My non existent muscles went stiff. I stayed put just for a couple more minutes before I finally turned the water off when my teeth started chattering. I wrapped myself in a towel and walked out, forgetting my clothes on the toilet. I sat in the living room freezing, and naked.

I don't deserve clothes, or warmth. I don't deserve anything at all.

"Yoongi?"

I looked up, Seokjin was standing above and looking at me. Confusion written on his tired face.

"Hm?"

"Where are your clothes?"

I looked down at my towel, then back at my Hyung, "the bathroom." My hair was still dripping wet, I didn't dry it.

"Get up, your getting the couch wet. I'll bring your clothes, go sit on your bed."

I nodded, though he knew when he said 'my bed', I was really just going to sit on his.

He brought me my clothes like he promised, and looked away despite seeing me naked before so I can put on my boxers. I slipped my pants and shirt on, then he snatched the towel, sat down behind me and dried my hair.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Not really."

"We're here when you're ready."

I thought about just letting him have that. I knew they were there, but I don't want their help. I don't think I do.

"I don't want to cause problems."

"I just want to know who, Yoongi."

"That's asking a lot," I kind of chuckled, it wasn't a joke. But it was funny that he thought it would be that easy. He asks and I tell? I'm not a easy person, Seokjin should know this.

"I know," he sighed, suddenly brushing my tangled hair now, "Can I ask yes and no questions?"

"Sure."

((TW))

What could possibly go wrong? I can just lie.

"Did he–"

"He didn't rape me."

"Did he put his hands on you? Did he do things you weren't comfortable with or things you didn't consent to?"

"Yes."

"That's rape Yoongi-ah."

"No it's not, it's assault?"

He didn't hold me down or choke he, he didn't insert anything inside of me.

"No, Yoongi. Look at me," I didn't look at him, "Whoever it was. He raped you. That's the definition of rape."

"He didn't make me have sex," I finally turned to him, we were criss-crossed and facing each other on his bed.

"That's not the only way you can rape someone," he held my head weirdly, cuffing my cheek in his palm, "Just because it wasn't as bad as you thought it could be, doesn't make it less wrong."

I looked down before I could burst into tears.

"Hey," he said quietly, "I'm so sorry I was so hard on you. I didn't know you were going through this alone sweetheart."

"I didn't want to make any one upset," I sniffled cause it was getting harder and harder to hold myself together, "If I continued going along with what he wanted from me that means he wouldn't move onto someone else."

"You're not an object. You're not a toy. You don't deserve to be used like that. It's sick, it's disgusting, and it angers me you would do that, continue to put yourself in that situation just to protect others. If you tell us, we'll help you fight against him."

"I don't want to tell anyone, Hyung. I don't want anyone finding out."

It was quiet for a moment. Until Seokjin finally spoke again.

"Do we work with him?"

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. LieLielielielielie.

"Yes."

I hate myself.

"You have to report him Yoongi-ah."

"No."

"When was the first time?"

"Woah this hotel room is so nice," I looked in amazement, he smiled, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

"I got it for us."

"Four months ago."

"When was the last time?"

"Ah, ah, ah. You're doing so good for me."

He jerked off while he touch me, thinking I was asleep the whole time, only talking to himself.

"Three weeks ago."

"Hyung....why did you let that go on for so long?"

"Jungkookie why are you awake?"

"I should be asking you two that. Anyways it's not that early, I was planning on going to the gym before breakfast."

I smiled, that's my chance, I looked to Seokjin and back to Jungkook.

"Can I come Kookie?" I jumped up, ignoring Seokjin's questioning looks.

"Sure Yoongi Hyung, I'm going to get my gym bag and keys and we can drive there."

"I can drive Kookie."

"I got it Hyung don't worry."

And I'm saved.

A/N: it's getting harder to write this, so I'm sorry the updates will probably be more far apart then before. I didn't realize it would be this hard to just write what I've been through, through someone else. Hope you all understand, and enjoy the story.