Don't Leave Me|| BTS

don't ever think it can't happen to you.

"Did you go to Mapo Bridge to hurt yourself?"

"That was my original intention. But I didn't attempt to do anything I swear. I just went and thought and then left," I admitted waiting for a response but it got too quiet so I continued, "An officer escorted me back to the car and I drove to the studio from there."

"What did you do at the studio?"

I didn't know what to say to that. Why do they care? Do they assume something's wrong? How do I lie without lying?

"I just sat in front of my computer but I didn't actually get any work done."

It was quiet for a moment and I waited for someone to say something. I kept my glaze downwards, counting the lines on my fingers, over, and over, and--

"Hyung, have you maybe thought about talking to someone?"

No. I haven't.

"No, but I don't need to."

"You know if you tell, you'll have to describe what I did for them to do anything about it. You'll have to admit what I did. You think you can do that?"

"We can't help if you don't let us, Yoongi Hyung," Tae added sadly.

"I know," I said, and that's it.

I knew that. Of course I knew that. I didn't need help. I wanted it.

Seokjin looked to Namjoon, silently asking him what they should do with me. I knew those looks too.

"Suga Hyung," Namjoon started, he waited until I met his eyes, "We're here when you need to talk. Okay?"

He should've said wanted. I'll never think I need to. I can get through this without bothering anyone. Wants, and needs are different. Wants are selfish. Namjoon didn't say want, he said when I need to. Do I need to? No, I don't need anything. My life is not in danger. I want to talk, I want their help. But I do not need it. I know this sounds ridiculous.

I wish he would have said 'want to'.

"I know Namjoon. I don't need anything right now. I'm okay."

I'm alive. That's all that matters.

"Okay. We're here if you need anything. We'll let you sleep."

Taehyung sit next to me for a bit longer, he waits for Namjoon and Jin to close the door.

"Do you want to take up my offer on cuddling hyung?"

I really needed to take my pants off, and lay on my stomach.

"No Taetae, it's okay. Go play with Jungkook and Jimin, I know they're waiting for you."

Taehyung doesn't say anything, he observes my face, looking for any sign of doubt, any sign that I didn't mean that and I actually wanted to cuddle. But I didn't.

"Well okay hyung, I'll be in the living room. We'll wake you when we're getting ready to leave."

He gets up, and I swing my legs back over the bed. Once he closes the door I hurriedly take the clothes I clumsy threw over my desk chair, I strip to observe the damage. I stand in front of the mirror in my boxers and long sleeve shirt, tightly gripping the pants and hoodie. I take my pants and my hoodie and put them with my collection of ruined clothes I can no longer look at in my top drawer to the farthest right. I look back in the mirror, I had hand markings above my collar bones, a very subtle thumb print reaching my neck. Dark circle bruises, purple peaking out from the center scattered across the sides of my stomach, they ached but not as bad as my backside.

Starting from right above my ass and down, it was like one big bruise, all connected half way down the back of my thigh. I realize I'm staring for too long and finally climb into bed, even the soft pants are too much against my bruised skin. 

It takes me a minute to feel safe enough to go to sleep.

• • •

I wake up to shouting and pressure on the bed, Jungkook and Jin are loudly bickering over who gets to drive to the mall, and Jimin, Hoseok & Tae are leaning over me waiting for my eyes to open. Hoseok is practically on top of me, but I don't pay them any mind. I push J-hope back so I can sit up, somehow I managed to lay back on my back while I was sleeping. I forced myself not to make any sudden moves to show I'm in pain.

"Get ready Hyung, we're leaving in 10," Hoseok said.

I wait for them to leave, before I get up and rush to lock the door.

I dig through the drawers before I find comfy sweat pants, incredibles themed socks, and a big hoodie that swallowed me and if I pulled it down past my hips it would nearly go past my knees. I put on a black hat, and mask to rest under my chin. I wanted to be covered up as much as possible.

"You know Hyung, it's not winter anymore," Jimin teased when I came out into the living room where everyone was waiting, and playing on their phones.

I just nodded.

"Let him wake up," Namjoon said knowing there's times I just need to be silent while I process everything around me.

I follow everyone out.

When we get back I'm sitting on the couch with Jungkook watching him as he unpackages my phone to get it all set up for me.

Jimin and Taehyung are playing video games. J-Hope is sitting on the floor across from couch leaning against the coffee table facing me and Jungkook while he plays on his phone. Namjoon is doing the dishes and Seokjin is cooking.

I sit and wait.

I'm trying to be as good as possible.

I won't cause anymore problems. I promised myself that.

I try to be quiet, and collected. I don't want to be annoying or loud.

"Do you want me to download Twitter and Instagram for you?" Jungkook asked making me come back to reality.

"Sure."

I'm getting overstimulated, I think. The game controllers are loud, so is the guns firing on the game, I can hear Seokjin chopping vegetables and J-hope humming.

I get up for water.

There's a loud bang, glass shattered. I stand there, afraid to move.

"Yoongi! That's was my grandmother's glass she gave to me," Seokjin yelled.

I look at the pieces on the floor, I notice a piece with a painted on daisy. Yeah that was the glass.

"Are you not going to say sorry Hyung?" Namjoon sneered, he seemed more angry.

"I just bought you a phone and you go do this? You're so careless. You didn't even think. Why didn't you look at the glass before using it?"

"I'm–"

"No shut up. Go. I'll clean up your mess."

Seokjin's grandmother was dead. She couldn't make him another one.

I couldn't move. My body shut down.

Seokjin shoved me and I feel a piece go into my foot.

"Look! Now you're going to stain the floor. Go! You're so useless."

• • •

I wake up to my body flailing, and I'm screaming.

It was a dream. It was just a dream.