I don't know how it is to feel close to death. Because, I never felt that. Even though, all the time, since I was a kid, I whined about being dead, but I never had a close encounter with it. Instead, I stood at the door of my insanity. Every single emotions, known to the humankind, hitting me all at the same time to push me inside. Inside that door, where it's dark. Pitch black.
But each and every time, I'm at that door something inside me holds onto the door-frame and keeps me from going inside. Whenever my emotions hit me hard, I feel like, "this is it". But somehow I still manage to be on the safe side, sane side.
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Today, when I woke up from my nap in the evening, I was cold. There was an unknown feeling, which made me hug myself and rub hands on my forearm to warm up, a bit. As I went outside the my house, it was already dark. I stood in the middle of the road, with no slippers, or anything. I saw the headlight of a motorbike, which was coming in my direction. I stood there, hoping I might get hit by it. I hoped. But it's wasn't enough.
When that motorbike came near me, there were two police officers. They stopped and quickly asked me what had happened. Disappointed, I was. I replied that I was waiting for someone. Someone was death. But how I could have explained that to them.
As soon as those two police officers went away, my mother was out of the house. She asked whether that was a neighbor of ours. I replied that with saying no, they were police officers.
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There was a lump in my throat. I knew, if I even tried to speak a single syllable, I would break. I would start crying. That's when, I quickly pulled my phone out of charger and picked up my earphones before running upstairs to my room. I quickly locked my room, as soon as I was inside. I played the music on my phone loud. I wanted to distract myself. I sat on my rocking chair, pulling up my legs and hugging them as the loud music entered my ears.
Within few minutes, I was crying. I want to scream, so desperately. But I couldn't. Because, I knew that it would make my family come upstairs and ask me questions, which I didnt want. I felt tear roll down my both cheeks. I took deep breaths, trying so hard to calm myself down. But it didn't help, at all. And again, the feeling of screaming and crying was back. Out of frustration, of not being able to scream, or cry properly; I banged my head back at the chair headrest. It hurt like hell. But the pain didn't even lasted longer than few minutes. Again, I was crying.
