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Back to square one. I was officially back to square one and boy does it suck. A damn shame he would cut me off, he knew he was the only one I could get pure substances free of the additives others used.
It wasn't that he was the only supplier either but he was the only one I trusted and if not from him, who the hell would I get stuff from? Houston was huge but his reach was larger so it's damn near impossible.
The plan was clear, I'd have to use Yarrow. The question was how, especially when he'd seen and heard Cas so he wouldn't act stupid but just maybe it could work. I shook the tiny manilla folder where the last pill fell out in my palm. Fuck.
I walked down the stairs where Xara and her friend sat sprawled out on the couch, "Morning Xara, Xara's friend. You both staying home all day?" I searched the kitchen cabinet for a granola bar and a green tea cup in the drawer popping it in the Keurig.
She leaned over the back of the couch watching me, "I don't think so but later on if you leave will you text me please?"
"You tryna keep tabs on me?" I stirred the cup with honey and sweetener.
"No, later on we might get hungry so if you're already out you could bring us something back?" She smiled.
I bit into the bar, "Well why didn't you start out with that, that's fine I'll call to check up but don't start that indecisive shit, know what you both want."
"Loud and clear soldier" she saluted me giggling.
I shook my head grabbing my purse and keys heading out to my car, "lock up for me" I yelled.
No sooner than I turned the car on adjusting my seat Valencia's name displayed and the phone rung, "Why good morning to my most favorite human being!"
I chuckled "Top of the morning to you, how can I be of assistance? You're not up for nothing."
"Where has this banter come from?" She gasped.
"Girl if you don't talk, now what's up?" I smiled
"I'm not gonna hold you, You haven't had this much enthusiasm since last summer and you were sober then, what's gotten into you?"
"How observant you are friend, if you must know I ran out yesterday and Cas won't put out for me so I'm screwed. He's back on this kick for me to get clean and do you know that nigga threatened me when I tried to pick up some more. It was ridiculous." I recalled annoyance souring my tone.
"Have you considered that maybe he's on to something, imagine the difference it could make. I hate seeing you so dependent on them and you can't pop pills forever, the shit's lame." She lectured.
"I'm not looking for a sponsor."
"Never said you were.."
"Then hear me when I say I get it I do but ya'll wanting me to put myself first isn't what I want at this moment. What I want is for my dealer to stop acting stingy and give me what I need."
The phone went silent for a minute just hearing the road, "People really care about you, I hate that you can't see how much." She hung up.
This is what I hated, why put the blame on me when I'm not forcing you to feel that way. I keep it hundred percent honest and it's as if no one listens to the fact that what they want and what I want are two separate things.
I hit my hand against the steering wheel taking one deep breath before I turn the music up focusing on the road once again.
...
The day went by with me getting my nails done a milky white with my ring finger being a soft pink on both hands, and I'd gotten a sew-in. I hated being always left alone with my thoughts but I couldn't deny dismissing Val was rude.
So after my appointments I picked up cinnamon rolls and her favorite iced coffee driving to her place. Just because I have ridiculous problems doesn't mean I get to be a prick to her when it's just because she cares.
I knocked twice waiting before she called out "Who is it?"
"It's me."
She pulled the door open rolling her eyes, "I'm sorry for what I was saying earlier, there's no excuse for how I speak to you sometimes and I appreciate that you care a lot about me. I don't like being or feeling like this, trust me I don't. So take my apology?" I presented the box and coffee.
Her smile was slow to form "I could never truly be mad at you okay, it's just that I don't want to have to worry about losing you to an overdose or worse bury you. You're my best friend and I don't have to but I blame myself for even letting you get this far with it."
"Don't blame yourself, it's one me. Does this mean you forgive me?" She pulled me in for a hug.
"Of course. You gonna stay and enjoy them with me?"
"I need to go apologize to Cas."
...
Standing out side the big house intimidated me because I never expected him to pull a gun on me but, what do you do in that type of situation? I clearly wasn't gonna listen to him any other way.
"Texting me your next plan? I already told you no." he said walking down the driveway.
"Look Casty, I'm sorry. I apologize for how I acted with you and I never want to put you in an uncomfortable position with me. It wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings seeing me like that." I murmured.
"Look at me." He stood directly in front of me. "I love you like you're my own but you gotta understand how much the shit hurts."
"I'm gonna try."
"What's your reason?"
"I have to have a reason." I huffed.
"If you don't then what's the point?"
"You and Val care about me and I can't keep lying to my family. It's a horrible feeling."
"Thanks for being honest with me kid." He chuckled. "And don't do anything stupid either."
