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"I'm proud of you! Three weeks is a long time compared to months and sobriety is no easy challenge so kudos to you. However I can't help but to hear animosity towards everyone?"
I look around the room focusing on the grandfather clock that ticks every second "I just feel like everyone's been acting weird with me." I look down fidgeting with my bracelet "I don't know, it's like Castriel's been acting strange. We talk and it feels like he's hiding something from me or that he's not telling me the whole truth and it makes me question him. I can't help but question our friendship especially when I look to him for approval. Val's been avoiding me which is weird because normally she's always there so there's that. My family's been tiptoeing around me, like they're afraid to say something wrong or set me off. It's as if they're walking on eggshells around me and it's driving me crazy because it makes me feel like I should have never said anything."
"These are all valid emotions but have you taken a step back and tried stepping in their shoes?"
"No.. not really." I faltered.
"You seek approval but you don't ask Castriel for the criteria, maybe with Valencia she requires space because it can be tough on others to be supportive as well even if it doesn't seem like it, and your family could be doing the best they can. But there's a way to get to the bottom of all this." She tells me sweetly.
"And that is?"
"Communication. You have all these feelings but they do more harm than good if not expressed and talked about not only to me your therapist but to the actual people as well."
"I guess I never thought to talk to them but, what would I say? Hey you're being a weirdo, explain yourself." I laugh.
"If that's how you need the conversation, so be it. The point is to communicate it all. This week I want you to work on conversing with the people you think about."
"Thanks Ms.Lily, I'll give it a shot but if shit goes sideways I'm bailing on the idea okay." I raise my eyebrows at her.
"Then you'll have to tell me how you aborted the mission next session." She joked.
I walked out the office building feeling accomplished given it was the second week I'd successfully made it to the therapy session and talked. The first was spent trying to get comfortable and want to open up.
Lily was a nice older woman with a sweet and soft voice who gave out lollipops at the end of each session. She was patient and that was what I needed given everyone was constantly pushing me.
The past three weeks were anything but easy and if I could give up I would but I can't, when people won't let me. When I told my parents what I'd been doing they were disappointed for sure but I'm 20 so what good would it be to harp on my wrongs when I was trying to make them right.
Keeping up with classes was rough when I was too tired to move and being kept up at night from sweats didn't help. Everything was hard and sure I was trying my best but I would be lying if I say I didn't want to give up. I was restless and eating wasn't a pass time to enjoy either when I never felt hungry.
...
"Fuck it feels like you're cheating!" I whined to Val as we played ice hockey at the arcade. This was our second game, her winning the first, and about to win again.
"I can't cheat, it's literally impossible when we're on opposite sides." She laughs "So what was it you wanted to talk about, this is definitely a choice." She points to where we are.
I snicker "I wanted to see if we were cool is all. I don't know it... lately it feels like you've been ignoring me. I text you sometimes and sure you answer but it's always late and you haven't sat with me during lunch in weeks so I just wanted to know if we're cool." I explain as the game goes.
I look up from the puck and she looks guilty "It's nothing, you're thinking too much into it."
She tries to keep playing but I stop the puck when it slides to my side, "It's not nothing. You can tell me, whatever it is okay."
She takes a minute, "I don't know if I want to keep being your friend."
My heart drops, everything around me falls silent.
"I didn't want to be the reason you relapse or anything so I didn't want to say anything and that's fucked up of me so I'm sorry but it's true. It took me a while to see but, you're a shitty friend." She confessed.
"I'm-I'm sorry I know I haven't been the best and that's me and my fucked up problems and self but I don't understand we hung out everyday we talked we-"
"Did we, or was it me talking to a wall? You never truly conversed with me, I talked and you sat there listening but that's not what it means to be friends. You never want to come with me or do anything, talk about anything the shit gets old."
"So because I opt out of a few parties you don't want to be friends?" I criticized.
"What's my favorite thing to do?"
"Huh" I scrunched my face.
"I invite you all the time and you turn me down, what have I been inviting you to do with me?"
"I- um I don't know, skating?" I guessed.
"Pottery, I've been trying to get you to go to a class with me but you always shut me down and for what? To sit home and pop pills? I can't depend on you and that's something I should be able to do. I should be able to depend on my friends, especially one I called my best friend."
"Okay. Alright I apologize but I'm better now okay I can go now!"
"You're a little too late." She breathed.
"So your done talking to me? What's this mean?" I sputtered.
"This isn't a bad thing or any falling out, I just think we need space. You're on this recovery journey and I can't keep being a crutch." She uttered grabbing her bag from the hook beside her. "I had fun, keep up the good work you're improving so much already! One day we can get together again and do something like this again" she looked around the arcade walking towards me, "but as of now I think it's best if we go our own way."
She gave me a hug and left leaving me stuck. I'd lost who I thought was my best friend but that was wrong of me to say. She was mines but I wasn't hers. A droplet of water hit my hand, it was a tear. But do I even deserve to cry?
