Raw Winter

Chapter 34: All There Is

Rawintr didn't know how long she had been sleeping. The first time she woke up she felt fine, but found after that, most things were painful. So she slept deeply, had a dreamless sleep, and only awoke to eat. Yulsylus stayed by her side for most of it. Whistle proved himself to be an effective leader in her absence.

And then one day she felt fine. Not that she didn't still ache, still felt her organs shift and swish inside her, but now she felt ready to get up and take up her work once more. She was ready to see things through.

She walked out and everyone greeted her with great excitement, jostling against her and congratulating her on recovery.

"I can't believe you on a sea serpent on your own like that," Mesmar said with a toothy grin. "Not just anyone could have done something like that."

Rawintr responded with a low growl. She found the way they were gathering around her, touching her and clinging to her unnerving, and the sound she made was a simple reminder. They knew it about her and backed off a little.

It also confused her. She remembered what had happened differently. She had done nothing close to besting the beast. She had come close to dying, and it nearly swallowed her whole. She looked at Yulsylus, who just gave her a subtle smile and shrugged.

"It was a noble sight," he commented, "the way you threw yourself at it with no regard for your own safety. I imagine you wanted to protect the rest of us."

"I wanted to survive," she answered gruffly. She couldn't remember what was running through her head if she tried.

"What now, captain?" Kircan asked, grinning at her. His hand gripped her shoulder, and she stared hard and fast at him.

"Please don't touch me," she said, her voice low and gravelly. It was a clear warning.

"What? This? This isn't anything," he said, shaking her shoulder a bit.

"I'm your captain," she reminded him while she still had a hold of her temper, "and I want you to stop touching me." Her voice crackled from her chest, low and throaty. The others were looking between her and him, but it was clear they didn't know which to support. She could see the way they were watching her, and it wasn't as if they had lost an ounce of respect, but she knew what they were looking for.

"You aren't afraid of me, are you? I mean nothing by it, and you know I would never hurt you. Why don't you let it go, captain?" Kircan said, clearly thinking this was some sort of game they were playing.

Her muscles ached, and she felt her stomach swishing with acid. She was in no mood for playing and her hand shot out. It was a solid fist, and he staggered as it connected with his jaw. It forced him to let go of her after that. She glared at him, remembering how he used to be quiet and didn't talk to anyone and measuring if it was a mistake to indulge him as his hand went up to his face where she punched him.

She snorted, and said, "As your captain, you would do well not to trifle with me when I give you an order. Understand, Kircan?"

The man gave her a look that could have been a glare, but—lucky for him—the expression shifted to humility, his eyes casting to the deck.

"I hear you loud and clear, captain," he said.

She nodded and walked past him to survey the rest of the ship. "Why don't we set sail for Catinol's keep if we aren't already in route? It'll be rough going forward."

The rest were silent, still processing what happened and what they exchanged, but once it processed in their heads, they raised their voices in agreement. Despite his pride being injured, even Kircan gave a nod or two. She glanced at him and nodded for him to walk alongside her, as close to an apology as she could give.

He hesitated before joining her at her side. There was still tension between them, but a good deal of it had bled off.

"There's a city just before where Catinol's Keep is," Kircan told her a day or so later. It was easy navigating, but they knew they were going to run into naval ships sooner or later "I think we may be able to stock up right before we hit this place. There's also another thing I wanted to talk about, Captain."

"What might that be?" She looked at him, but already had a few ideas about what it might be about.

"If this place is where the guy that ordered a hit on your mother lives, then we can't be far from the town where you grew up, right? This next town might even be where your mother is, or might have people who know where she is if she's still alive," he said.

A few others were nearby, and Adders said, "We wanted to know what you were going to do if we went there and you happened to find her first."

"Would we get to meet her?" Mesmar said, appearing excited about it. "Maybe we could get Marcal to cook her something up. I bet being a baker and all, she doesn't get anyone cooking for often."

Rawintr bit her lip. She hadn't really thought about what she would do if she saw her mother again, let alone if it would change anything if it happened before she got revenge. For one, she wasn't sure she wanted her knowing she was a pirate captain now. For another, she couldn't imagine her mother staying in the area and going back to her old life after losing her daughter and shop. If she survived the attack, she would probably run away to find somewhere safer to live.

And what would she do if she found out she was really dead?

And what would she do if she found her mother was still there like she remembered her, but she had a new family with a new daughter and maybe even a husband? Or a son. She wouldn't blame her for forgetting about her and moving on, but it would hurt to see.

Wasn't that what she had done with her own daughter? Forgotten about her? Left her behind? She felt her heart quicken as she imagined abandoning this altogether and going back to where her daughter was and getting her back from Dr. Windwell. She wondered if Tirenen had found her, had her right now, and if Dr. Windwell was dead for helping her. Maybe Tirenen was looking for her or lying in wait, knowing she would have to come back for her daughter.

Her breathing grew heavier and heavier, and she did not know how to stop it. It had been so long since she had hung around in Marcal's kitchen since becoming a captain. She wanted to hide there now.

"Rawintr," Yulsylus said in a sharp voice, and she looked at him. His hand gripped tightly around her forearm and he let go after he knew he had her attention. She felt as if he had been calling for a while now by his tone. She felt her face heating up.

The others around the table were looking at her as well, appearing worried and unnerved.

She waved her hand dismissively and said, "I was just thinking over our options. Let's skip restocking and go straight for the keep as we've been calling it. If we're successful, we'll have more than enough to restock us from looting alone. If we're not, we won't need it. We'll be dead or arrested, and I don't want to waste any more time than we need to. Since I'm bringing it up, if anyone has a problem with it, they should bring that forward now. I don't want to bring anyone with me who isn't willing to take the risk."

They looked at each other as she stared each of them down, but knew it wasn't about the potential danger. It was about what they had just seen. Her jaw clenched.

They then looked back at her, and they were all smiling and encouraging. They raised their fists together in camaraderie and agreement.

"For Rawintr and her mother," Chresher said, and the rest cheered in agreement.

Rawintr didn't know what to say, so she raised her fist as well. She wondered what could make men like these follow her into hell's maw.

Yulsylus leaned in and whispered in her ear, "Let me know how you're feeling from the sea serpent after. I don't want you to push yourself too quickly."

She nodded. Perhaps what she had done with the sea serpent was all there was to it, but she didn't believe that's all there is.