Voir Dire (N.H.)

twenty-two

Kelsey felt her heart racing. She was on edge, stuck in a loop of scanning the room every five minutes for someone that didn't belong. She knew she shouldn't be. She could be here by coincidence. In 40 Love, the bar owned by Niall's best friend, having nothing to do with the fact that it was also the location of the unofficial after party of Niall's album release event.

Kelsey jumped as Becca set a hand on her shoulder, handing her a much needed glass of vodka cran to calm her nerves.

"You're fine," Becca said, seemingly reading Kelsey's thoughts. Kelsey nodded, trying to convince herself that it was indeed fine.

Niall and Kelsey had made the decision that, on the contrary to what Niall's label believed, they would continue dating. However, their dating nowadays consisted much of what it did when they first started seeing each other: time at Niall's house with no exposure to the outside world. It wasn't ideal, but Kelsey knew that it was the only way they could be together without facing the repercussions of Niall's management. And being with Niall was more than enough for now. Plus, with Niall's promotion of the new album and Kelsey's LSAT test date just two weeks away, there hadn't been much free time to spend together anyway.

But Kelsey had wanted to be at the album release. She had wanted to support him on this momentous occasion, and to congratulate him on the hard work he'd put in. They'd come to the decision that no one would be the wiser if she showed up at 40 Love with Becca for the afterparty. Krystal would be there with Niall, and Kelsey and Niall would have no contact. But she would be there, at least physically present, to show her support for the man that loved her.

The man who loved her. Even thinking about those words still sent butterflies through Kelsey's stomach.

It had happened one lazy night. Kelsey had her nose buried deep in her LSAT study books, her test date fast approaching. Her legs were strung on top of Niall's on the sofa, and he was absentmindedly  rubbing her feet after her long shift at the bar. She could feel that he was staring at her, and so she brought her face out of her book momentarily, shoving her yellow highlighter back into her book.

"What?" she giggled, raising an eyebrow. Niall's cheeks grew slightly redder at the being caught in the act.

"You're so cute when you've got your nose stuck in that book," he leaned over, tapping his finger on the tip of her nose.

Kelsey rolled her eyes. She looked anything but cute at the moment, with her hair in a knot at the top of her head and her face bare minus a few smudges of leftover mascara near the corner of her eyelashes.

Niall scooted over next to her on the couch, wrapping his arms around her chest and nuzzling his head into her hair. "I love you," Niall mumbled, his words barely audible.

Kelsey felt her world freeze. Kelsey wanted to say the words back. She felt them in her bones. A part of her did love Niall. But no matter how strong the feelings were in her heart, the thoughts in her brain were stronger. Every time she'd said those three words before she'd been burned. So she thought maybe this time, if she kept those words to herself, she'd get to be loved a little while longer before her heart was broken.

So instead of saying those three little words back, Kelsey turned around and brought her lips to Niall's. Because, for now, her actions would have to take the place of the words she couldn't bring herself to say. 

Kelsey caught a glimpse of Niall from across the bar, bringing her back to reality. He hadn't stopped glowing since he'd arrived nearly an hour ago. His custom-made Paul Smith navy blue suit fitting him in all the right places, a few more buttons at the top beginning to come undone to reveal some tufts of chest hair. His laugh echoed through the bar, making Kelsey's heart flutter. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen Niall as happy as he was right now. Although she wished she could be standing next to him, arms intertwined at his side, there was something about the sense of forbidden love that made it all so much more exciting. The stolen glances they shared from across the crowded bar. The way Niall's hand lingered on the small of Kelsey's back as he squeezed by her on his way to his next conversation. The tension was building, and Kelsey couldn't wait to celebrate with him when they got home later this evening.