i thought i had lost you // destiel au

Two

Dean wakes up with a bad headache. He wakes up alone, no one in the bed with him. He misses Castiel's arms around him. How every morning he'd squeeze him and give Dean a beautiful smile and a kiss. He misses how it felt when they made love. He misses his blue eyes. He misses how his name just rolled of his tongue. He just misses him. But he's gone, never coming back. To him.

Dean wipes tears from his eyes and looks down at his chest, seeing the name that he thought would ruin him forever. And it turns out it did, in the end it really did.

There's a knock on the door. Dean gets up to answer it and sees Sam there, looking at him sadly. He's already taller than him.

"Dean.. you smell like you've been drinking.."

"It's cus I have." Dean says blankly.

"You shouldn't drink around Jack, it's dangerous."

"I know but-" Dean holds his head in his hands. "I can't help it, Sammy. H-He's gone, a-and-"

Sam hugs Dean. It's comforting but not the same. "Dean, it's okay."

"No it's not.." Dean mumbles into Sam's shoulder.

The alpha sighs. "How about you take a break? Gabriel and I can take care of Jack for you."

It would be nice. Dean almost considers it, "No.. Jack's the only thing I have left, besides you. He's the closest thing I have to Cas. I can't leave him right now," Dean looks back to Jack, who's sleeping with drool leaving his mouth. "The little guy needs at least one parent around right now, you know?"

Sam frowns and nods. "Yeah I understand. Just quit the drinking, please."

Dean nods. They're both silent for a moment.

"Dean I'm really sorry about Ca-"

"Don't.. say his name, please.."

"Okay. I'll see you later." And Sam leaves.

Dean goes back to his bed and sits down. He looks over to Jack. He already knows how to talk, Dean managed to teach the little devil. Dean has told him all about Cas and how strong he is, how he'll one day come home to them and he can meet him.

Now Dean has to find a way to break it to him that, his father is dead.

"Oh God.." Dean whispers, bringing his head to his hands. Tears start pouring out. He hasn't been this on-edge since before Castiel left, fearful of this news. He wishes Cas could see their son. He got Dean's sandy hair and Castiel's beautiful blue eyes.

"Daddy?" A small tired voice asks, Jack was awake.

Dean quickly wipes his tears and smiles at Jack. "Yes angel?"

"What's wrong? Why crying?"

"I-I'm not- Jackie I'm not crying, you don't have to worry." Dean lies.

"You're crying.. Why?"

Dean gives up. He has to know eventually.
"Fine, um.. here-" Dean picks Jack up, setting him in his lap. "Something.. happened. Something bad happened.. to.. Castiel.." He runs his fingers through Jack's hair slowly. "I'm a-afraid-" Dean takes a second to not burst out crying. "I'm afraid he isn't coming h-home.."

Jack looks at Dean with confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Jack, your father he- He's-" Dean swears quietly. "He's dead. A-And he can't come back.."

Jack still doesn't understand the concept of death yet, so he doesn't get what he's saying. How bad the situation is. Dean sighs sadly.

"That's why I've been crying.." Dean sets him back down in his bed.

"But.. he's coming back?"

"N-No, he isn't.."

"But.. he has to? Daddy's strong, you said so,"

"I-I know he's strong. He's very strong.. But that doesn't mean he was immortal. I'm sorry Jackie.."

Dean lays down on the bed, never sleeping in the middle or on the side to his right, just in case he somehow comes back to him. That he'll wake up in Castiel's arms and it will all be okay. Dean cries silently, holding his necklace in his hand.

The necklace is a feather of Castiel's wings. He had it hexed by Rowena so it can't be destroyed, unbreakable. There's also a locket sharing the golden string, where he has a photo of him and Cas, the other side of him and Jack. He rubs his thumb on the soft black feather, it's what he does when he's feeling down. Cas gave him the feather when he was about to leave, plucking it off with a wince and handing it to Dean softly. Dean still remembers the day like it was yesterday.

—

Dean didn't realize he passed out until he was woken up by rumbling and shouts. He realizes the castle is under attack and runs for Jack, grabbing a few photos of Castiel before heading out the door. He runs to Sam and Gabriel's room in a panic,

"Sammy! Gabe!"

The door opens and Sam is standing there with a sword in hand, "Dean? What are you doing, you need to get out of here!"

"Well so do you! And I'm not leaving without you, so come on!"

Sam nods and grabs Gabe's hand, leading him out of the room. That's when they hear several footsteps and clanks of armor come their way. One shouts,

"The prince's omega!"

The words make Dean's eyes widen. They're looking for him. He turns back to Sam and Gabe, leaning down and giving the photos he grabbed to Jack.

"Don't lose any of these, okay?" Jack nods. Dean kisses him on the head. "I love you."

Dean turns back to Sam and Gabe. "Watch Jack. Please."

"What? Why? What about y-" Sam's interrupted.

"They're after me, you heard so yourself! Just take Jack and run! I don't want to be a danger to you guys!" Sam's about to interject but Dean cuts him off again. "Just go, please!" Dean begs.

Sam looks at Dean sadly but nods. "Okay, but don't die or I swear to God I'll kill you."

Dean smiles sadly. "I love you too," His voice goes stern again. "Now go!"

Sam takes Jack in his arms and helps Gabriel run. Dean looks back to the guards who are looking at him like they want to rip his guts out.

"Shit." Dean mutters, realizing what he's gotten himself into.

—

12.15.19