Sincerely, Anonymous

One Hundred-One

"I'm in love with you," was his response, "Naively, I wanted to confess. We don't always get what we want though, huh?"

"Oh yeah, I need to give you this, too.." he handed me a small book with a leather cover.

"What.. what is it?" I asked shakily, and he chuckled sheepishly.

"It was kind of a diary of sorts.. starting from the moment I first messaged you. I don't know, it was more romantic in my head, but.."

He sighed in frustration, and when I looked back up, his hands were buried in his black hair.

"Fuck, I'm pathetic!" He exclaimed, "Can you guess why I didn't show up the last time?"

"You didn't care enough," I murmured absently, tracing patterns on the book in my hands with my numb fingers.

"No," he responded, "Didn't I tell you that I care about you?"

"I was too afraid," he laughed bitterly, "How pathetic is that? I couldn't do it. I made you wait four hours in the cold because I couldn't face my fears. And my crackhead uncle had the dog bury my phone in the yard again so I didn't even tell you I was chickening out."

I opened the book, not responding to his little rant. I couldn't focus well enough to read it all, but my eyes caught a few bits from each page.

"She's so beautiful. I tried to get her to eat, but I don't think it worked."

I flipped more towards the end.

"I saw her dad dealing drugs again out back. Its either cocaine or heroin. Probably cocaine. I don't think she knows."

"She's had her curtains closed for a long time now. Is it wrong that I'm afraid of what she could be doing that I won't see?"

"She keeps going to the rooftop to eat her lunch. I'm so scared that she'll snap one day and decide to jump."

"I don't think she believes me when I say that I care. I wish she'd realize how amazing she is."

"She hasn't responded to me in three days. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do."

"She was on the railing. ON THE RAILING. She was going to jump. If I hadn't caught her in time.."

"I can't imagine her not being here. I don't know what to do. She says she wants to do it again. Someone fucking tell me what to do."

"I tried to meet her but I was too scared. She's pissed. She ended up waiting four hours for me. I can't believe I put her through that all for pathetic fear."

"I've been picking consistent fights around her locker to get myself and her in detention so I can make sure she's okay. My father is pissed, but I don't give a shit. I really hope I'm not fucking her over because of my stupid worry."

"I'm such a pathetic asshole. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. A bag of caramels isn't going to fix this."

"Please let her forgive me. I don't know what I'll do without her. I'm such a fucking idiot, and I know I got too attached to her too soon. I don't deserve someone so perfect."

Tears were falling onto the pages.

I shut the book, trembling. "You.. you're such an asshole.."

I sniffled, sobbing before reaching out blindly and punching him weakly in the chest. "I hate you so much.."

"I hate me too," he murmured, and I only cried harder. He cared. He actually cared. He cared about me.

"I lied," I cried out, "I don't hate you. I can't hate you. Even after I froze my ass off that night you stood me up--I can't hate you."

"I'm sorry.." His distance from me was too much.

"You said you'd hug me so tight that you'd squeeze the negativity right out of me, didn't you? Why--why don't you do it, then?"