How To Drown Me

Chapter 5 - Replaceable

"What the-....Where the hell am I?"I mutter to myself spinning around in a circle, almost feeling dazed.

I seemed to be standing on a hill I had never even seen before, which was looking out on the sea. It was a dark, cold night. I had no idea how I had gotten here. It seemed like just minutes ago, I had gotten back home from being in the mall for most of the day. I frown, taking in the place in front of me. Everything seemed..dead. Almost as if the world had finally lost all color and fell into an eternal gray.

"Ana."A voice behind me calls, tone chilling.

I freeze, mind running into overdrive fast. I thought I would be able to give no reaction..I was wrong. He still affected me, more than anyone knew. My tone was shaky when I addressed him as I turned around.

"De-..Delton?"

My lips slightly part in shock when I see him. We were only a few feet apart, but every muscle in my body was aching, acting as a warning..Not to approach.

Delton wasn't someone really of a dark heart, he never was. He might've been hurtful, though physically, I knew he wouldn't hurt me. But now..There was something so cold about him. He was looking at me like he wanted to kill me.

"It's your fault."He hissed, hatred in his eyes.

My heart drops and a familiar feeling takes over me. I felt like I was breaking in half all over again..And I didn't even know why I gave him that kind of power. He was always the one who could break me. Always the one trying to. Cautiously, I take small steps towards him.

"What did I do?"I sounded too sad, too heartbroken.

Again.

"It's what you didn't do. You weren't there."

There was nothing except hatred in his eyes, nothing at all. As he spoke this, he rolled up the sleeve of his shirt. My eyes widen in further shock.

No. No. No..He got worse.

"You're the reason I took those drugs. It's your fault."

I shake my head, forcing disbelief to mind, even though I knew things haven't changed..He will always think that I ruined his life. Yet I still kept lying to myself. We spent a while apart and during that time he started abusing drugs..I couldn't have known, and even so, I felt guilt.

Not being able to find any words of comfort for either him or myself, I stayed silent. Silence seemed to only anger him further, just like before. I never had the right thing to say. The only thing I know how to do is make him angry.

"It's your fault!"He yelled, expression morphing into fury.

Nothing's changed.. Ana, nothing's changed.. You're not worth it..

His words kept on ringing in my head, like a ticking bomb counting down 'till destruction.

I wake up with a gasp, short of oxygen. As I took a few seconds to calm myself, I realized it was just a nightmare. It was nothing more than a nightmare..I was still in my room.

Gripping my bed sheets like it would serve me any protection, I look around my room to assure myself everything was okay. Not one thing was out of it's place, everything was as I left it..But I still felt like there was something wrong, something, you could say, surreal.

"Just a bad dream..Relax..Relax.."I whisper to myself, rising up in a sitting position.

It was so surreal because it almost felt like reality. In a way, it was..Guilt always plagued me. His faults, his tortured mind..I felt responsible for not being able to help. Of course, I was aware he wasn't in any way my responsibility. But he was my deepest love, after all.

I hated seeing him hurt like I do.

I never knew why I cared in that amount, when the feelings weren't mutual. No..They really were not, were they? He knew I wasn't okay either, but it didn't matter to him. My pain made no difference in his life. Except for the time it served as his amusement. I shudder, ashamed, as more heavy memories plague me.

"Oh come on..You know you want me to kiss you."He smirks, arrogance in every spoken word.

He was right. I still had feelings for him, but anger was overpowering those feelings lately. So in that moment, I easily acted out my part. The anger was real. But the supposed hatred was not. I didn't want him to leave again, and deep down, I felt sick for that. I felt sick for being so easily weakened by the love that was supposed to do anything but that.

"You found a new girlfriend a month after we broke up, and now you're flirting with me? You're disgusting."I spat, my eyes narrowing as I stared at the man standing too close for comfort.

I didn't understand why was he doing this.

"Now now..Is that any way to treat an old flame?" Delton questions, and for a second, I felt like I was being made fun of.

A flame..Was that all I was worth? Something existing just to crash and burn down fast..Something you shouldn't want. Something replaceable.

My already pale skin turns slightly paler, as I realize that I indeed was replaceable.

The same sinking feeling filling me just like on that day, almost two years ago, I place my hand on my upper arm and dig my nails harshly into the skin. I wasn't sure how long I stayed frozen like that. My eyes focused on one spot, somewhere on the floor, yet I really saw nothing in that moment. After a short time I started feeling pain and I knew there would be marks as soon as I could stop. I didn't care if I made new scars for myself this way..I didn't.

I would always be replaceable, anyways.