How To Drown Me

Chapter 6 - Pain

The next day, I had woken up fairly early. How much did I sleep, did I even sleep properly, I just kept coming up empty handed in search for an answer.

I could never sleep really well. Maybe I was too tired to think of anything at all. I didn't even remember most of what I was doing yesterday, but it didn't really matter to me. I was used to feeling like I was forever stuck in a fog.

"Hmm..What's the time anyways.."I mutter to myself, frowning when I didn't see my phone anywhere.

Wait.

I shoot up in a sitting position on my bed, my mind a little more clear now.

"What day it is? Do I have class?"

My frown felt permanent, my heart hitting my ribcage harshly. Panic setting in fast. This was the last year of high school and if I missed another day, I was truly screwed. All of my health problems be damned, I couldn't afford more days.

Granted, every time I missed school, it was because I wasn't feeling well. Somewhere around the start of high school my health took a drastic turn for the worse. Before that it was somewhat acceptable. I only had a weak immune system, that used to be my only issue.

Then my issue turned into arrhythmia, and with that came the feeling of being suffocated and the chest pain. There was always some kind of pain. After that, came another problem that my doctors only named recently. Maybe a few months ago. Stomach pain that never really seemed to leave.

I couldn't eat anything I wanted, I had to watch what kind of food I ate. Because if I ate the wrong thing, my stomach would start hurting, more than it should. And there were even times when I felt like throwing up, even if I didn't eat a lot. A few months ago, they told me it was a chronic inflammation.

Chronic pain.

So often it could last a full day, almost seeming like it would never end. I don't know when, but it all became tied to my emotions. Or so my sister sometimes says, anyway. I was sure there was some truth to that though. Too much emotions followed with abdominal pain. That was often my case.

And that was another reason why I would force myself to feel as little as possible.

I was snapped out of it once I noticed where my phone was. It was out on the small coffee table in the living room. I felt my stomach drop, quickly going through all of the possibilities. Someone took my phone, alright, but what for?

Surely they didn't want to go through my phone like when I was younger. And if they did do that..What if they see what I have in my notes? All of the pathetic poetry related to my ex and all of the heartbreak..Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. It didn't really take long.

I pick up my phone and when I turn it on, I almost laugh in relief. So it was friday, but I still had enough time before class. I had just enough time to make myself presentable and be in school 'till eight am.

And then I notice I was alone. Did no one bother to at least attempt waking me? Again?

I sigh and decide to dial Chloe's number. She didn't answer. I remember she said not to call while she's at work. Ah yes, I almost forgot that. I rolled my eyes and went back into my room.

So someone took my phone and didn't bother to give it back, most likely my father. He didn't put too much meaning into small acts such as those, he must have simply forgot. But then they also forgot about me having class.

I frown once more, heading to brush my long hair in front of the relatively small mirror I had in my room. I carefully brush away any tangle as I squint, searching for mistakes. Everything needed to be perfect.

I despised having my hair be out of place.

"You look so ridiculous with your hair tied. Why do you try? We all already know you're fucking ugly."

I shake my head, as if that would drive away the bad memories and bad thoughts. It was years ago, you were just a kid. It wasn't even bullying exactly, was it? Real bullying is a lot worse, so what if people called you names and made fun of you? It's normal, it happens.

But then again, it didn't stop there..No, no, control yourself. You were just an awkward kid, you deserved a push back into reality.

You can't afford to be weak.

I stared back at the reflection in the mirror, barely aware of how fast I latched onto my arm, sinking my nails into my sensitive skin harshly. Only when it started to sting, I blinked and became aware of what I was doing. Gently prying my nails away, I rub at the marks left to soothe the slight stinging.

Why do I keep doing this? I hated pain, but I couldn't seem to stop bringing it to myself. I was a walking contradiction.

Deep down, I knew I felt like I deserved it. I just wasn't ready to admit to myself that I was already in pieces, torn apart beyond repair.