How To Drown Me

Chapter 8 - Addict

I couldn't help but wonder where he is today..He disappeared many months ago and it was impossible to find out anything about that. Connor always made himself impossible to find.

He is what you'd consider the local shady person you knew was trouble with out even trying. And still, I found myself befriending him when I was younger. Truth be told, I barely remember how our friendship started..If you can call it so.

All I knew was that suddenly I had him to talk to on the rare chances I saw him on my walks home. Him, and his best friend Sean. They seemed attached to the hip back then. But I wouldn't say we were really close.

I just used the word friends because I was desperate to make myself seem like the normal kids who had tons of friends and weren't often lonely, like I was.

I do remember my father's warnings and slightly judgemental looks towards Connor's entire existence. That was after I had stupidly revealed that I had a few conversations with him and that he seemed nice. After he told me just how naive I really was to believe an older boy would be friends with me, I felt too stupid to say anything more. And that grew into a habit.

I just couldn't open up to people with out them calling me horribly empty headed for my beliefs or likes. I already expected that reaction from everyone, so I preferred not telling anyone too much.

My heart drops as I think more of Connor. He was the person who took pity and made me realize the truth, that my so called relationship with Delton was fake. He was the only person who truly wanted to hear what I had to say or feel.

"I told you in the start, you're making a fucking mistake! Did you listen, fuck no. But you were a kid then..Now you're not. Nothing can excuse your fucking stupidity now, Ana."He coldly states, and somehow, my chest felt freezing.

He always knew how to push me back into reality, away from my hopeless daydreaming.

"I..I know I was too naive. But I love him."I reply, my voice too small.

Saying I love him just felt like an excuse now, an excuse as to why I chased after someone who only made me feel like I was the worst person in the world.

"..So you do. But does he feel the same?"His tone sounded mocking.

I couldn't defend my love for Delton like I used to. I couldn't say anything about him anymore with out wanting to bow my head in shame. Deep down, I knew I didn't mean anything to him, I just needed to accept it.

"I-I don't know."

Why was my voice shaking? Why did I feel like a toddler who had done something bad and was being scolded? The situation certainly seemed that way.

"Alright. Since you so blindly believe the boy's every word.."He grabs my arm tightly and drags me with him, saying nothing else.

We had been sitting in the largest park of the town, and the conversation had lead yet again to Delton and the way he was treating me. Hurting me.

"Where are we going?"

"We are taking a pleasant walk, of course. You need to clear your mind."His accented voice was heavy with sarcasm, but I didn't question him.

Something was stopping me. Maybe it was my irregularly beating heart, or the nervous feeling that had overcome me all of a sudden.

"But, tell me Ana..How is he doing?"

"What?"I look over at him, in surprise.

"Why are you looking at me like that? I do know how to be concerned, you know."

Feeling guilty for not expecting anything like that from him, I frown, my eyes most likely apologetic. He did always say he could easily read me anyways.

"Don't worry, princess..I'm just asking is your little boyfriend recovering yet. He did tell you he would quit his drug abuse, didn't he?"

"Um..Yeah. Yeah, he did say he would try to stop. And of course that's nothing easy, but from what he says, he's been fine lately."

I did believe Delton was being honest. He had no reason to lie so much to me, right? But once I saw the pity in Connor's expression, I felt foolish once more.

"Oh..Are you sure?"He frowns.

"Why? What's wrong?"I softly question, dreading what he might tell me.

"Well..I don't want to upset you. But I heard otherwise."

My heart sinks.

"What did you hear?"

"Sean mentioned it briefly the other day..I think Delton lied to you, princess. That sister of his said how she caught him high, just a few days ago."

Of course Sean being his best friend shared that with him..And of course no one bothered to think if I needed to know. Only Connor was considerate enough of my feelings, apparently.

He brings his hand to my shoulder and squeezes it lightly, in support. Did he know I wanted to collapse? Why didn't Delton's sister say anything, why was Chanel covering for him? Of course Sean was her priority. I didn't know why was I surprised. Of course my feelings didn't matter there or anywhere else.

Who was I, except the reason Delton took drugs? I was nothing.

"He didn't stop..But Ana, he's an addict. Of course he lied. Well fuck, I bet there's more you don't know."

He's right..Delton lied before, so why wouldn't he lie to me some more. He hasn't done it in a while.

"What do you mean?"I look up at him, weakly.

"Oh..You'll find out."He replies, giving me more reasons to overthink.

I was tired of fighting for love I didn't get.

After that day, he disappeared fast. It's been a little over half a year since I last saw him. And on that day, he taught me how to make the pain go away. The pills made me forget every single reason why I felt dead. But still, his words rang in my mind, deep engraved into my memory. My heart turns cold.

Of course he lied.