How To Drown Me

Chapter 7 - Painkillers

I scowl at nothing in particular, as I press my hands on my stomach. A light pain came with out warning as I was getting ready for school.

"Maybe a little bit of warmth will be soothing.." I contemplate for a second on packing a jacket in my bag, and decide to grab it quickly.

My mother always used to tell me when I was younger how if I'm not well dressed my stomach will hurt. Quite often, so it became something normal to consider. Surely I needed a jacket. I didn't want to make my current pain worse.

I look at my reflection again and I can't help but frown. My heart rate slowly picking up, I didn't feel completely fine. What was the exact problem? The stomach pain wasn't so severe now, it was bearable. I had everything ready for class. I'll be on time.

So what the hell is wrong?

I knew my hands were lightly shaking and I ignored that. It wasn't something impossible to deal with. I didn't want to think about it too much.

And then I remembered I had pills, right in my drawer. Left from the countless of times I've used them when I wasn't feeling well, I knew I had a few left there. I had replaced the empty box relatively recently and didn't use the entire thing. But now was a good enough reason. Just to be sure everything would be okay and that I wouldn't be in pain more than I already was now.

Painkillers always helped, so there was no doubt in my mind I would go through the day fine if I took one now, before I left.

Mind made up, I opened my drawer and after rummaging through it, I picked up the little box that had the painkillers. I feel relief once I see there, indeed, are more left in the box. I go into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water to take my pill. I could never take any pills with out water, it was a habit that was hard to break.

I finally felt ready for the day. But even though I had my slight reassurance after taking my pill, I still ended up taking a cab to school. I lived an hour away and this way I felt the best. Despite the slight amount of guilt and disappointment in myself that I ended up feeling on my way to school. I was wasting my father's money and I knew they'd be mad.

Though, the fact that I knew I had responsibilities today made me force the excessive thinking out of my system. I had other things I needed to focus on at the moment.

I entered the classroom and with out really looking at anything besides the first empty seat I saw, went to make myself comfortable. First desk and alone, classic. It didn't truly bother me though, only sometimes. Most of the time I liked having peace and quiet, it was more easy to focus if I didn't have any of my classmates sitting next to me. The other times, I had to wonder why it was so difficult to talk to people in every situation imaginable.

"Well, it's all on you, of course. People notice your attitude is just screaming for them to go away."Chloe advised me, telling me the same exact thing over the years again and again.

It's all on you.

My expression turned frozen as I was lost in my thoughts, mindlessly doing my almost every day routine. Pull out your books on your desk, go through them or your phone while you wait for the teacher to arrive, just so you don't seem like a lonely loser, having no one to talk to.

Just like a robot.

It's not as if I didn't spoke at all in a day, I can and I do. The thing is, none of them were my actual friends and that fact used to hurt me more than a little bit. I hated how no one seemed to want to talk to me, even if I tried my best to be friendly. I hated how to me it seemed that everyone there had someone, just not me. But after three years, I got used to it and I stopped trying. I would be out of here soon enough anyways.

"Hey, this seat taken?"

I look up to find Faith, one of my classmates whom I sometimes spoke to. We used to be somewhat friends in the start of high school, but back then I was a lot more naive and didn't notice that she wasn't particularly fond of me. She used to often throw casual insults at me in the disguise of jokes or advice.

"Oh, your outfit is cool! Even I would wear that, no lie!"

"You? You got a good grade, really? Well, it's good that you're deciding to improve."

I stop myself from rolling my eyes, having to force yet another phony smile to my face.

"Nah, it's not."I gesture, moving my bag to my side of the desk, to give her space.

"Ah, thanks. I'm sitting next to my good friend Crystal of course, so I need that chair."She laughed as if she made a joke, while I kept my expression blank.

And that was the end of that conversation. Hating myself for having a small part of me hope someone would want to sit with me, I make sure to keep my gaze trained only in front of me, I didn't wanna turn around. I knew I would  be ignored if I tried engaging in any kind of conversation with them. They were not my friends, no one there was.

The only thing that never seemed to fail me were my painkillers..They made everything better.

'Pills might as well be my best friend..Ha!'I think to myself, not really feeling anything at all.

All of the pain had disappeared, I was left feeling slightly numb. A half smile appears on my face as my thoughts go straight to a person who gave me this advice. That pills helped with emotional pain, as well. And he was very well right.

"What makes things even worse is remembering how he used to look at me..Now he just looks at me like I'm the worst thing in the world! "I cry, desperately trying to hide my red, tear stained face from the man sitting next to me.

"Let me tell you a special remedy for heartbreak.."He finally speaks, after having listened to another one of my pathetic rants about Delton.

I look over to him, and somewhat stupidly, I hoped he could really tell me something useful. The pain was eating me from the inside and I couldn't take it anymore.

He pulls out something from his pocket and when I get a better look, I realize it's pills. Just like the ones I needed for my health problems. Were they the same thing? Already so used to pills, I didn't question anything. I only waited for him to speak.

"Take these, they will make it go away. Take one of these..And you won't feel a thing anymore."Connor tells me, and it was strangely comforting.