What Could Have Been

Three Months After Palpatine's Death

In an instant he was gone, the weight of his heart had disappeared. His hands were cold from the death that was eating his insides raw. His eyes were red with tears, knowing he had all along been a Solo. Ben's hair laid tangled in black strands around his face, never to be bothered with again.

After awhile, I had realized that one thing was for certain. I had once loved. He had loved for centuries, while I had loved for seconds. The deprived heart which he carried was hollowed by my refusals. I was naïve and thought I could never love a man from the Dark Side. But that was the old me. That was when I dragged fear in my soul and let it pull me away. It has been months, yet I can still feel his smile. Ben's enormous hand had clung around my small waist; how warm it felt when I breathed again. His eyes had shown me a future that I wanted to live in. The peace reflected from his eyes had given me a hope- a reason to live on. But that was then. Since Ben's passing, I have cried every night and have stared off into the uncertain universe wondering why he hasn't come to me.

I told my friends at the base I was going for a walk, which was part of the truth. Poe nodded and gave his blessing that I could spend a few days in the forest. I never packed a bag or my lightsaber. I ran gracefully through the brush and beyond the tree line. Anywhere but the base was where I wanted to be. The people and droids dwindled in numbers the farther I ran. For the first time I felt a freedom- a moment of ecstasy.

No one had been seen in miles. Now I had started to walk along the firm, buckling dirt.

It was only me and my mind.

"Why!" I breathed in, choking on my own spit. My shoulders quaked and I could not catch air.

"Why!" This time I screamed true and shaky. I held a log above my head and threw it crazed. I wanted to feel myself throw the log rather than let The Force complete my motions. I wanted to feel anger course through my arms like it did once before.

"Ben! Forgive me!" I slammed my fists against the ground. They pulsed the land. Trees were uprooted and fried with the waves of anger that brought about lighting strikes.

I moved to sit on the log I threw so I could regulate myself. Tears itched at my cheeks and fell dead on my legs. My face had reddened as my back arched with every breath.

Something touched my shoulder. It was warm, welcoming, and comforting. I knew that hand. The hand I dreamed of one day holding and placing a ring upon. That was the hand that haunted me now and brought me a twisted chest pain.

"Ben." I whispered. The first time I have spoken his name in eons and I cannot help but to quiver at the word. I received no reply, but a little exhale that acted as a little laugh. If only the exhale had been full of real life and emotion. Do I dare turn around and face my weakness?

I turned around slowly, letting him into my vision inches at a time.

He wore white. A cape hung around his shoulders and ended at the back of his knees. His hair had appeared perfectly uniformed.

"It's you." His eyebrows raised as his eyes glistened, enlarged with admiration. I pinched my facial features tight as if it they had been in pain.

He glowed and stood upright like a bold man. I ran to hug him. The last thing I saw before the reunion was a tear falling down his cheek. His hands wrapped around my back as mine did the same. I cried, it was inevitable. It was muffled as my face was buried deep into his chest. His bare hand rubbed my back. He too cried. It was a cry out of shock. He did not breathe like me, but he breathed slow and tired. I pulled back and stared him in his brown eyes that still held a calling for the future.

I bit my lip and cried more.

"I'm here with you." He glanced down at me and tilted his head.

"Why haven't you seen me since?" I felt my eyelids sag with salty, saturated skin.

"It wasn't the right time. It never was or will be, but I am here. You needed healing time."

"I needed you." I held his hands. He smiled vaguely for a moment then wiped away the sorrow from under his eyes. Gingerly, he pressed his lips against my hand; it was icy cold and a reminder that he was not truly here with me.

He bent down and rested his forehead against mine. The feeling of knowing it actually was not the real Ben made my stomach lurch hard against my ribs. My heart quickened and pumped like a revving engine.

He kissed my forehead, tender and true, then rested his hands on my forearms.

"I love you." I whispered.

"I love you. Even if it meant I had to die for you to feel this way."

"Why have you shown up now?" I rested a hand against his chest.

"There is something I need to tell you." Ben had changed his tone. No longer were we a divided couple, but something very grave. His hand slipped down my arms and crossed over to my stomach where he held his hand.

"When I had healed you all that time ago, I had placed something important to me in your hands." He closed his eyes, his hand still touched my stomach.

"Do you feel it?" He opened his eyes and smiled at me in silky comfort. I followed him and felt my belly as well. Life. A child- Ben's child.

"Ben?" I stared up at him in more tears.

"All I ever wanted was a child of my own. It had been my dying wish to be a father." He smiled and sobbed. The only thing I could do was kiss his cheek. I felt the uneven smoothness of his scar while holding my belly. The man who was to exterminate the Jedi now fathered one within me.

Han and Leia appeared holding hands behind him.

"We love you, Rey." They approved of becoming grandparents of mine and Ben's child. I smiled back at the apparitions that began to de-materialize.

"Are you happy?" Ben hunched over me.

"I don't know anymore. The only thing I ever wanted is gone." A tear slipped shyly down my cheek.

Ben laughed wholesome and light.
"I had wanted to be with you since I first heard of you. It was spoken to me that it was fate. I was to marry you, as you were to marry me. Together, it was said balance could finally bring peace to everyone." Ben had looked innocent now. He once wore a mask infected by terror. Without it, he became the kindest soul.

"I cannot stay any longer." I dropped my head. Ben had taken my chin and raised my scared face to his own.

"Promise me this child. If I cannot be with you, I want half of me to live by your side at the very least." Ben bit his lower lip and cupped my cheek in his hand. I nodded viciously and let my cries become heard.

"When the time is right I will find you again. I cannot be your crutch unfortunately." Ben looked up to the sky and blinked away the tears. He sniffled and turned away. Composure held him disciplined as his white cape waved in the breeze. Within moments he was gone.

I sat on the log again, but I had nothing in me to cry over. A few short breaths relieved me of my failed duties.

"What's you're name?" I closed my eyes and felt my stomach for answers.

There were none.