A Queen's War

Beg On His Knees

He would do anything to please me. He would tear the Earth itself in half with his bare hands if he had to. To him I was untouchable sapphire and he was a lowly the if.

"Wanting what only a the if could want," he had said at one time. " And what I want, is you."

But he could never have me. Not really.

I was royalty how the hell did he expect it to ever work out?! His high expectations, his greed and his lust and his downfall, were not by me! They were not a product of my fault. It wasn't my fault. I had no power over any of that.

It....it wasn't my fault.

He was too...too stupid and too hopeful. An idiot really.

So...........

Why do I feel guilty?

I didn't do anything. I didn't ask for any of it, and honestly I asked for it all to stop. I asked God for it all to just, go away and I didn't care where it went. Just away from me. And in a, ha, in a morbid sense I got just what I wanted.

And I don't regret any of it either. Which is the problem. I feel guilty without regret, so do I even feel guilty at all?

The question will never give me peace. It will forever haunt me and my psyche. I shall one day be on my death bed, a shriveled up violet rose, thinking and pinning for the answer.

Maybe by then I'll finally have a nation bending to my will. A husband already on the grave or alive, I wouldn't care, and children around me.

I can't help but remember my Grandmother's last days .

She was sick with the sweat and other ailments that plague her from after my mother was born.

I remember Mother made a big ordeal of visiting her in her final days; she had begged father to let my brothers come.

He refused.

So we went by ourselves. My Mother and I. Bundled up so tight in wool and furs, making our way to the cold north. We were greeted in St. Petersburg and quickly rushed to my Grandmother's bed chamber.

My aunts, Hermine and Katherine, were there with their children and their husband's bastards. It was kind of unusual.
I saw Genevieve and wanted to leave as quickly as possible.

I remember Grandmother's final words were something about love being useless and both useful.

I get what she means now.

I can't help but wonder, did she have to learn that the hard way? In that case I just hope my answer won't take forever to come.

I look out the window of my moving carriage and cool my sharp features of Selene.

I don't like England. All they have to offer are plain in comparison to everywhere else!

I huff through my nose and look down at my lap where a letter from King Henry himself lay. He orders me to court immediately, he apparently wants to chat like representatives for our nations. Aka, like our selves.

I'm guessing he wants and Anglo- Greek alliance and he's hoping I can make that happen. I hope that he's not like the other Kings who think I'll just marry a noble of theirs for an alliance. I want money. And I will get money for my nation.

Wars are expensive after all.

I smile at the thought that I'll be going home soon. I can travel to Russia too next summer if I bare an heir on schedule.

I feel my red stained lip quirk at the corner.

Catherine comes from a grand line. But  not a notoriously fertile stock it seems. Though she was able to birth a daughter, because she is a girl in a mans world she'll be under her husbands thumb. Its cruel, but the truth. She really needs to rethink her approach to this.

From my understanding of the current scandal, Henry wants to marry his mistress Anne Boleyn and annual his marriage to Catherine. Probably because she lied to him on multiple fronts on the basis of their marriage, scolded him for having affairs that are in his right, and always shot for her own political gain without shame. It didn't help that they still don't have a son and she was barren.

He was going to get his divorce though. Not from the Pope though, that's for sure. But there are other ways.

I kind of just want to go to court to entertain myself. Maybe even learn what not  to do and who to keep away from. It'll be fun at a court summons for once.

That's when I smiled for real.