AT LAST, I COULD BREATHE | billy hargrove

finally.

chapter song: Fooled Around and Fell in Love - Elvin Bishop

warning: smutty as f*ck! 

finally.

After the initial shock of the diagnosis set in, Shawn insisted that I go home and rest. He reasoned that I needed to be out of the hospital after nearly three weeks in it, and I needed some fresh air to clear my head. I protested but was overruled once Billy offered his help with keeping an eye on me. Shawn trusted him, truly respected him, and he wouldn't want anyone else taking care of his baby sister.

This was how I ended up at home, under my covers, in my best friend's arms -- who I had just confessed my undying love for. The two of us stared at the ceiling, not daring to look at each other, with silence filling the room.

However, I knew the elephant in the room would have to be addressed at some point.

"Billy?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you sleep?"

"No," he replied in a whisper. He paused and my mouth ran dry. I knew it was coming. "Did you mean it?"

"Did I mean what?" I asked, playing dumb.

"What you said today...uh, in the, uh, the hospital room," he clarified, voice low but wavering with nerves.

I swallowed hard and stared at our hands intertwined together intently. Suddenly the room began to close in on me and it was increasingly getting harder to breathe. We were too close, and I needed space. I shot forward out of his arms and put my hands in my hair—slightly pulling at it to get my head straight.

"Are you okay?"

"Hell no."

He stayed quiet and tears sprung to my eyes in an instant. I could practically see the hurt on his face without looking.

"Billy, I rushed into my relationship with John. We went really fast and I threw around words like 'love' even though it was at best a temporary infatuation. Should've just been a summer fling or something but I guess I just thought he was really nice to look at and...I don't know. I was lonely and I craved that love that they talk about in the movies. I should've broken it off with him when I moved here but I didn't want to let go of Chicago, and he was the last real reason to go back."

I paused, trying to find the right words. "And then you crashed into my life and started screwing with everything."

This earned a laugh from him, making me smile. But I needed to tell him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth here. So, I kept my gaze forward and away from his enchanting eyes.

"This...what we have, Billy...this fucked-up, weird friendship where we keep doing this dance around each other. We try to pretend it's not like we would drop everyone else just to spend the day together. Try to pretend that I'm not jealous when you flirt or sleep with a girl just to make me jealous. Try to pretend that the reason you were so mad at my relationship with John wasn't that you wanted me more than he ever could.

"I meant every word I said, Billy. Every fucking word. I can't pretend anymore. I don't have it in me. Fuck, this is so heavy. You're so important to me and it's like that infatuation on crack. It's love—it has to be. And I know you meant it, too."

"What?"

"I heard you. when you said it. when I was in the coma—I heard you."

"You..." he cleared his throat. "You heard me?"