AT LAST, I COULD BREATHE | billy hargrove

i'm done.

chapter song: When Doves Cry - Prince

i'm done.

When I got closer, I observed that Billy had a few tears that had fallen onto his sad face. His shoulders were dropped, and his head was hung low, staring at the ground while Max passed him to go into the house. Seeing how upset he was, I knew I had to do something. I couldn't just leave. I know we just had the worst fight in the history of fights but he really looked like he needed someone right now. I advanced on him slowly and took him into her arms lightly by his shoulders, and much to my surprise, he slumped into me in defeat.

"Let's go for a drive, my love," I whispered in the kindest voice I could muster at the moment.

I could tell he didn't want to be alone right then, and I think he was tired of fighting. Fighting me, fighting everyone and everything. He was just...exhausted.

I went to pull away, but his grip on my waist tightened and I went back into his arms. "Wait, I'm sorry, I just—I need..." He trailed, I figured he didn't really know what to say.

I laughed soundlessly—only my chest moving with a smile on my face, "It's okay, I don't mind, Billy." I guided my arms to run my fingertips back and forth across his denim-clad back in a comforting way.

He let out a large breath and slowly released me from his grasp. I intertwined our hands without another word and began to lead him down to my car, but he stopped me.

"What's wrong?" I asked in a hushed tone.

His voice was solemn and yearning. "I...I can't go. I have to stay here."

I nodded in understanding—disappointed but not mad. I gave him a lopsided, half-assed smile. "Okay, that's alright. Um, I'd better go then," I nervously chuckled, turning away sadly.

Before my hand left his, his velvety voice called my name. "Bo?"

I stopped in my tracks, concerned at the fact that he actually called me by my name and not a pet name like normal. It was this that signaled to me that he truly was in a bad place right now.

"Mhm?" I replied, my head cocked to the side.

"Uh..." he hesitated. Billy looked like he wanted to do something or say something but something inside him was preventing him from doing it. I concluded that it was his stubbornness that wouldn't let him. His face looked like a boy's, it had this sort of innocence and vulnerability to it that couldn't be faked even by the best actor in Hollywood. I took a step toward him, keeping only a few inches between us and he stared down at me in wonder—an expression I mirrored looking back up.

"Listen, I know we're on the outs right now, but that doesn't change the fact that you can tell me anything and not to be too soft, but I'm here for you no matter what." He cracked a small, relieved grin at my statement but still didn't say anything. I took my unoccupied hand and placed it on his cheek, forcing him to look at me in the eyes. And when I spoke it was just above a whisper, "Tell me what's on your mind, love."

It appeared as though he was debating in his mind on whether or not to share what he was feeling, but I already knew what the final ruling would be. He wouldn't tell me. I think we both knew that.

Instead, I just released his hand and took him into my arms one more time, and he actually sighed like this was what he was waiting for. This is what he wanted to ask me about. He wanted another hug. I smiled at the thought and buried my head into his neck, smelling cigarettes and beer and this natural aroma I couldn't describe accurately to you even if I tried. It was like some kind of spicy, cologne-y, wonderful musk that honestly made me not want to let go. He squeezed me tight against his Greek-god-like body and even lifted me off the ground a bit so he wasn't leaning too far down since my 5'2" ass could barely reach him. If I'm being honest— and I always am— I loved how tall Billy was: not too tall so he's a giant next to me, but tall enough so he feels good about himself and tall enough for me to reach up to because I lowkey have a thing for that. I don't really know if you can classify that as a kink but it's definitely on my list if I was to be asked what my type of man is.

Another small kink is men who are normally cold, sarcastic hardasses only being soft for their significant other—meaning me. God, there is nothing better than knowing you have a badass bagged.

Anyway, back to our little embrace. Billy set me back down after a few seconds and I giggled a little bit when he did so, finally making him smile at me. His arms were still wrapped around my waist and my arms were around his broad and muscular shoulders (I can't deny the fact that I was drooling on the inside) and it truly looked like those cliche kissing moments in romantic comedies.

I suppose you could compare my life to a romantic comedy except my best friend hates my boyfriend and I'm the only one who laughs at my jokes, so.

Christ, I keep veering off course. Billy fixated his baby blue eyes on mine, but they quickly fell to my lips. We both took sharp breaths in as his eyes flickered back up to mine and he bit his lip. The pretty-boy blonde slowly began to inch his face closer to mine and I almost—almost leaned into him. His nose brushed mine and I cursed at myself inside for letting him get so close. The electric blue eyes I never got sick of looking at stayed glued to mine while I felt his breath fan over my face gently.

"Billy," I whispered.

"Please," he begged. "Please don't."

"I can't, you know I can't."

"Just...just this once," he breathed. His eyes implored mine and made me see how legitimately serious he was about this. "I need to just once, please, Bo."

I think I hated myself the most because of the fact of how fucking badly I wanted to give him what he wanted. I preach about not cheating and everything that goes along with that, but here I was with this drop-dead gorgeous man in front of me in a tight embrace and he's fucking begging me to kiss him and I wanted to. Christ, I wanted to so bad. Those flawless and full pink lips gliding over mine, showing me how much I meant to him while he captured me in an immensely sweet kiss. I wanted that.

I broke eye contact with him and stared at his chest, refusing to grant him what he needed. "You're fucking kidding," Billy scoffed. He dropped his hands from my waist and promptly moved away from me so my arms fell off of him to my sides in defeat. "You know what, Bo? You know what?" I looked back to him, tears threatening to spill over. "I hope he fucking breaks your heart. I hope to God he does."

My mouth dropped in shock at his venomous wish and a heartbroken exhale exited my body. His hurtful, threatening facial expression wavered for just a moment seeing how much those words hurt.

The malicious face replaced the regretful one and he looked up at the sky before he stared back down at me. "Don't you even dare come running to me when he does it. Don't you fucking dare. I'm fucking done with you. Have a shitty night 'cause I know I will."

And so Billy Hargrove turned back around and stomped away, retreating angrily back into his home, leaving me on his front lawn, crying.

"FUCK!!" I screamed once I entered my car, banging my hands as hard as I possibly could on the steering wheel. My body was racked with sobs and I could barely catch my breath. I knew that was hardly going to be the end of Billy and I's relationship but how long would I be without him? Why would he even try to make a move on me when he knows I'm taken and I won't do anything? Haven't we established this several times over? Can he just not handle rejection? Was he secretly hoping I would give into him like I hypocritely desired? Another pressing question: why the fuck did I want it? I love John but I was ready for Billy to kiss me and I was ready to feel something during it. What the fuck am I doing?