sucker | shameless

chapter three

𝗘𝗣𝗜𝗦𝗢𝗗𝗘 𝗢𝗡𝗘

I rest my elbows on the edge of the sink. I let out a shaky breath, I looked in the mirror. My skin is marked with paint, how the hell did this happen? Warmth spreads to my stomach, I don't like the feeling it leaves. I rub it an attempt to relieve the grumbles, I try to remember what I did but everything is a blur, I stand up straight gripping the sink. At least I didn't shave my eyebrows again, I visibly shudder when the image comes to mind.

One of my first manic episodes. God, I was in such a bad place. Trying to grapple off the roof with a homemade grappler, staying up all night, losing all of my money for Ian's birthday in gambling, painting the living room then stopping mid-way, losing the trust of all my siblings. The pills help so much even though it doesn't seem like it to an outsider. I mean, I had another episode today.

My skin itches from the paint, I restrain from scratches knowing I'd get it under my nails then I'd eventually have to rip them off. I take a deep breath trying to shake the itches. But it just grows stronger. Tears start in my eyes, the urge to itch is so bad. So so so fucking bad. A soft knock fills the air. I let out a sigh and wipe the welling tears,'' Yes.''

" Ellis? Are you okay?'' I look at myself in the mirror, paint covers me head to toe. Am I okay? No. Of course I'm not. I didn't take my pill today and had a manic episode. My hands start to shake and I run them through my hair, trying to keep them occupied. I squeeze my skull, Fuck you Monica. This is all your fucking fault. I let my hands drop clearing my throat'' Yeah, Carl. I'm fine. I'm sorry, do you need to use the bathroom?''

" No, can I come in?'' Oh god, he can't see me like this. He can't. He doesn't need to know his older sister is fucking crazy. I sit on the floor and lean against the tub. I hunch over and take my head in my hands again,'' No,'' I sigh,'' I just..'' I quiet down. I can't think of an excuse. I grip my hair and slowly start to pull. Tears prick my eyes, Carl slowly opens the door and closes it. He sits beside me and put his arm around me.

Just like when I have my bad days, they don't talk and hold me even If its only for a few seconds. Why can't I just be normal? I'm putting them through so much shit. I can barley remember a time where everyone wasn't worried about me. I can't remember a time where I wasn't worried about me. I let the tears fall.'' I had a bad day.''

He doesn't speak, he just slowly rubs my back. I can't do this to them, burden them with my fucked up mind. This is fucking stupid, I look like I just dunked myself in paint and now my 9 year old brother is comforting me. I'm so fucking pathetic. I take a deep breath and wipe my tears with a laugh,'' I'll be fine Carl.''

" Fiona tells me not to call you crazy.'' I snort, Fiona probably tells them not to say a lot of things, thinks it'll trigger me,'' I love you Carl.'' I pull him into my side and kiss his temple. We sit for awhile, I don't want to move just yet, then the moment would be over and I have to take a shower.

" Hey.'' I gulp hard at the thought of Fiona finding out that I painted myself and then tried to paint the sidewalk by rolling on it. And finding out I didn't take my pill this morning. I squeeze his shoulder,'' Don't tell Fiona about this. I don't need to give her more reasons to try and ship me off to a mental ward.''

He nods. I raise my eyebrows, he's not usually this quiet even when I have really bad days, I rub my shoulder against his,'' Hey! What's wrong?'' He shrugs. I continue to look at him waiting for him to explain,'' It's just... some kids at school keep saying that your crazy and gonna kill us all.'' Does he believe Im gonna have a bad day and fucking kill them, I speak as softly as I can so I don't scare him,'' You don't believe that do you?''

" Fuck no. I thought it was crazy cool when you punched the wall that one time and fixed up all the holes in our clothes. Then sewed that skull to my shirt, the girls at school loved it.'' I smile remembering all those times but the bad things out weigh the good. Shaving my eyebrows, painting the walls, the punching, the kicking, the screaming. The aftermath.

I sigh and pull myself up, I stand above Carl with my hands on my hips,'' Now get out so I can take a shower.'' I say in a playful way, I hold my hand out to him and yank him but catch him before he can fall forwards, he lets out a gasp in fear and I can't help but laugh. He rolls his eyes and opens the door walking out, Ian stops at the top of the stairs and stares at me. I quickly slam the door shut before he can do anything.

I turn and lean against the door and hold my breath keeping an ear out for his footsteps. Once they walk far enough away, I let out a sigh of relieve and fall down the door. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I let my head drop and try to build up the motivation to shower. I should walk around with paint on to show my shame, to show that I am fucked up. I quickly erase that thought, If Fiona saw me, she'd send me away faster then you can say sucker!

I gotta get up and shower, come on Ellis. You can do this! You got this! The words don't really help much but they do If I remember everything my family has told me the last 3 years, Ian's words will always stick with me the most," Ellis, you will come back to the person you truly are even if your mind sends you away for awhile, I know you will always come back and be my twin sister again.'' I mean everyone has at least one thing that always echoes in my mind when I can't get out of bed but Ian's words always echo in my brain.

I move my knees underneath me and push myself up. I take 3 deep breaths standing in front of the shower, I pull back the curtain and step in. I don't make any motion to move, my limbs aren't attached anymore. They're just baggage I have to carry around, come on! Stop stalling Ellis! You got this just turn on the shower and then muscle memory will kick in and remember what to do.

I sigh and before I can stop myself, I turn on the water, cold water hits me hard and I panic. Idiot! You're supposed to take off your clothes, shit! What am I gonna do with my clothes, now I have to figure out how I'm going to hide my clothes, I could throw them away! I got it! I'll bury them in the lawn and when Fiona and no one else is home then I'll wash them so I don't get caught. They can't find out! I won't let them!

I get used to the cold water but the feeling of my clothes sticking to me makes me gag. I quickly turn off the water and pull off the soaking clothes. I could just hide them in the house but with so many people here someone is bound to find them and then tell Fiona because why wouldn't they. One moment where they think I'm too unstable and I'm gone.

sorry for the late upload, i just forgot. im not doing so good but ill be fine soon and updating on the right time.